BIGOT BREAK! Sorry Minorities, It’s OK To Like Chalkie White

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Do you remember this?

This Clown’s Going Down (Flickr / Marksmanuk)

How about this?

Operation Yewtree’s Latest MugShot (Flickr / Richard Cawood)

If you do, chances are that most of your childhood dreams are shattered anyway and you’re now a shallow husk who works out their day in a maelstrom of pain and hatred to all of those around you. You hate animals now because everytime you see a cute kitten video on The Youtube, you hear the Animal Hospital theme tune. You hate art and creative endeavors because everytime you think of picking up a brush you’re confronted with Rolf Harris’ gurning face. You hate being charitable or liking music because of the post Saville-Gate connotations and the thought that your favourite singer from a Welsh rock band could be a baby rapist! Nothing is sacred. The 80’s & 90’s have been torched and all that’s left is a generation of men and women with blood and maybe more on their hands. Are we to blame? Has all hope been lost for all of us who gunged over Crinkley Bottom?

NO! Have no fear everyone, a slither of hope has arisen from the paedophilic cesspool of British Culture of our generation. A shining no nonse-sense phoenix has arisen from the ashes of controversy to bring light to this fine country again.

Snookering You Tonight, Bigot Break! (Flickr/ the justified sinner)

Jim Davidson might be a racist.

Jim Davidson might refuse entry to disabled people at his gigs or the Olympics.

Mr ‘Nick Nick’ himself might think women’s hands are merely fleshy urinals for him to piss in.

The Big Break star might be a horribly homophobic presenter who should have lost his celebrity status decades ago.

The cheeky chappy might find rape a laughing matter and look like a potato in drag.

Jim Davidson may hate Paul Daniels with a vengeance.

Jim Davidson might be all of these things, but he is not a paedophile. He missed out on Celebrity Big Brother last year because he was under investigation by the Saville posse, Operation Yewtree, but has since been told he will face no further action. Since then he’s gone on to win not just the 2014 installment of the hit Channel 5 show but also it seems, the heart of our nation. Frankly it seems all The Daily Mail’s dreams are coming true as now the 35 Romanians who’ve come to steal our jobs this year will truly see the face of our country in all it’s spud-a-like glory. Thank goodness we’ve been able to realise what crimes truly matter in this day and age, maybe now as a country we can begin to heal and move forward to an indigenous Britain again? Just remember to make Britain great again, all together;

“IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU’RE A RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, ANTI-FEMINIST, PISS-OFFERING BIGOT WITH EUGENIC IDEALS & UNSAVORY HATRED AS LONG AS YOU DON’T TOUCH KIDS!”

Have fun children, it’s election time next year!

[Editor’s Note: At no point in this article are we stating that anyone referenced or pictured is a paedophile or a criminal of any kind unless they’ve been found guilty in a Court of Law.]

The Golden Age of Celebrities

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

“Pop Will Eat Itself”. So said David Quantick when writing about Jamie Wednesday in the NME about the cyclical, recycled nature of pop music. I don’t know if it’s finished the meal quite yet but Pop has definitely had a good go at self-cannibalism.

“Celebrities Will Eat Themselves”. So said Meerkuts after reading the Mail Online for ages and not knowing any of the names of these people who show skin, court cameras and look confused. Well at least Celebrities would eat themselves if the latest Atkin’s or 4:3 diet allowed them a nibble of their own forearm.

Diana Chinese Lingerie Ad (SpreadIt Style – Tim Roth)

In 2013 and so far in 2014, Celebrities just aren’t cutting the mustard (unless it’s to spread on their inner thighs during Hot Yoga, helps release toxins). Carla Delevigne strutted about looking manly. Michelle Dockery flashed a bra. Someone called Snooki hid behind a bag. This isn’t news or even gossip, this is Tim Allen riffing on Lenny Bruce. It’s the remake of ‘The Great Escape’ with Justin Bieber riding a Segway to freedom as he saves an Anne-Frank-O-Gram who didn’t bother with a diary because she was listening to ‘Believe’. There’s no spark. I long for the day when our dignitaries and celebrities knew how to court a story. When people like Lord Longford knew how to get onto the Front Page and Prime Minister’s didn’t go on Desert Island Discs to choose ‘The Smiths’ songs, they stole milk, pissed off Northerners and started wars! The Mail is indigenously British and misses the halcyon days where News of The World was still with us and George Michael was straight, just look at what celebrities are up to in 2014;

Jasmine Waltz knows how to grab your breast-attention

What does this mean? Your best attention? The attention of your breasts? I don’t even know what this story is! Is it a pun? Is it a simile? Is it a double-entendre? Also what is it with phrases like “nearly-nude” and “barely-there”? I remember when you had clothed celebrities like Oliver Postgate and naked celebrities like Princess Diana. Imagine how different the coverage of her car crash would have been with today’s phrases. Something like “nearly-miss altercation in a Paris tunnel” or “barely-there near death experience”. The People’s Princess knew how to give us a good story!

Baywatch – Peace, Love & Harmony (Flickr/Hedler)

Kelly Brook makes fashion Faux-Pas as she goes bra-less to awards

Oi Kelly! Check your Filo-Fax girl. This is so 1996! Breasts are so passé in 2014. Just look at all the men on trial this year who have given up on breasts. Men who back in the nineties entertained our children, played us music and gave money to charity. Unfortunately Ms. Brook looks like a crazed deer stumbling around the red carpet throwing mammaries at people and her eyes are asking ‘Why? Why? Why are my tits broken?’. They’re not broken Kelly, they’re just in the wrong decade. In the 90’s Madonna adorned coffee tables with her private parts and Pamela Anderson turned up like this on family entertainment shows. Supposedly Michael Hesletine whispered to John Major in the Thatcher coup, “Don’t worry about the European Exchange Rate, ITV have got titties”.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

BBC = BLOODY BOLSHEVIK CUNTS

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

If there’s someone strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? ‘MarxBusters’!                                                                            A non-fascist woman who thinks for herself, who you gonna call? ‘MarxBusters’!

Are you worried that this country is being overrun with Leftie losers? The Daily Mail is. Are you worried that our fragile, not-to-be-seen-or-heard offspring are being brainwashed by poets and conscientious objectors? The Daily Mail is. Do you feel that this is all the fault of that palace of prissiness, the home of humanism, the bloody BBC!?

Sherlock – Evidence of Marxist BBC (Flickr/GivingNot)

Recently we uncovered that Sherlock, the hit TV series starring people from The Hobbit, has a strong case of left-of-centre bias and is trying to usurp the Tories for the election in 2015. If you watched the episode you would have seen Rupert Murdoch slandered, characters allowing homeless drug addicts into their street without a Neighbourhood Watch intervening and a 10 minute scene where the heroes kissed pumice stones, listened to folk and tried basket weaving. It was a shock to The Mail that Sherlock didn’t hold a street party to welcome all the Romanians to London offering them Watson’s job and laughing as Una Stubbs died from the cold whilst the immigrants were wrapped in space blankets made from benefits! The BBC love pedophiles remember? (In fact they were kind of like a Pedo Pimp in the 70’s what with Saville, Dave Lee Travis & Rolf Harris all being on their payroll)

Well don’t fear, after a successful campaign last year against Mr Marxist himself, Papa Miliband, the Daily Mail have set up ‘MarxBusters’! Anytime you hear Chris Packham standing up for the rights of a fox, we will out him and his chubby eyes as a Bolshie. Whenever someone cooks a pie that isn’t traditionally British on Great British Bake Off, we will vilify them and their left-wing hate speak! Here are the Daily Mail’s Top 5 Bolshevik BBC targets in 2014;

1. The Wombles

Do you remember The Wombles? Those carpet shag, eco-minded, communist squatters!? Did you know that over 85% of those crusty clots in masks at Occupy London watched The Wombles whilst growing up? Look what naive buffoons those Marxist melons were turned into by the BBC. It’s just outrageous that our License Fee goes towards such blatant liberal propaganda.

Tree Hugging Prick from BBC (Flickr/Jessicastjohn)

2. Steven Moffat

The man behind Sherlock and its vile, latitudinarian leanings. The man behind Dr. Who and the disappointing series where he promised the Doctor was dead and then retconned it really poorly. The man who wrote Coupling and has that weird kind of hair like Norman Osborne which makes him look like he’s trying to be sympathetic to people. He also wrote Chalk, I know someone who was in Chalk and they had dreadlocks and have stepped foot in Africa!

Moffat Laughing At Dead Soldiers Probably (Flickr/ zeropuntosedici)

3.  Jeremy Paxman

Sam The Eagle himself. A man who knows about classical music and speaks out against Michael Gove. A man who has had a beard and conversed with Russell Brand. A man who worked for the BBC throughout the 1970’s, hmmm?

Paxman: Reasonable, Rational, Left-Wing (Flickr /jonathanmcintosh)

4. Barney Harwood

‘Blue Peter’. ‘Prank Patrol’. The terribly named ‘Hider in the House’. All of these things show a left-wing protege in the making. In the 60’s Blue Peter was about making things, being British and helping people. It seems Harwood and his crew are too liberal for that and so they just float balloons around people’s houses, disturbing the piece and trying to highlight there should be more ethnicity. Don’t worry people Barney is in The Mail’s sights!

Blue Peter’s Gone Downhill (Flickr/UniofNotts)

5. Doctor Who?

The flagship BBC show has flown under our radar for a while but with Moffat behind the wheel of the Tardis it’s sure to show its true Marxist colours soon. Helping distressed aliens come to Earth, mixing with all manner of non-British people, giving women positions of authority and breaking into a young girl’s house to dip his fishy finger in her custard. There’s a reason it’s been on the BBC for 50 years, it kowtows to every left-wing, pedophiliac  whim the BBC writes into it’s programming agenda. If it was up to the Time-Lord, England would change it’s name to Bucharest 2!

Dr Who Loves Immigrants (Flickr/mninha)

Sportsweak: Human Bile

Following on from Ronaldo’s shock win at the Ballon d’Or last night, where the Portuguese former-Manchester United superstar broke down in tears, the Daily Mail ran a retrospective piece on the most memorable blubbing from the beautiful game.

Not to be outdone, Sportsweak thinks they’ve missed a trick.  We all remember Gazza’s sob-fest at Italia ’90, Butcher’s world-cup exit in ’86 or when Beckham cried tears of actual blood into Victoria’s skeletal lap because Fergie gave him his one and only taste of the infamous “hairdryer treatment”.

But tears are one thing.  We all have tears.  And we all have pus.  And poo.  And sick.  Some of us have really odd sick.  Let’s take a look at our countdown of the finest moments of passing bodily fluids in sport over the years.

1. To kick us off, if we didn’t already have her down as a national treasure we certainly did when Ms. Radcliffe decided to make a very public faux-poo by venting her frustration at London’s parking regulations.  The painted red line was quoted later as saying “I don’t know why she wanted to take it out on me, I can’t help it if I serve the same function as a yellow line.  That’s discrimination, that is.”

“Take THAT, loading restrictions!”

2. Then of course it’s our immigrant friend who, in more of a supportive role to the industry with her job at the Sports Direct Warehouse, decided to add to the rise in the immigrant population by dropping a sprog right in the toilets.  Human sack-of-spuds Mike Ashley (famous for referring to Yohan Cabaye as “Yohan Kebab”) later claimed “What seemed to be a pretty horrendous situation has turned out alright, because the little fella was blinding in trials at St. James’ last week.”  He is reported to have signed for the Magpies for a paltry £15,000,000.

Mike Ashley celebrates the signing of his new star striker

3. Tennis legend Pete Sampras showed his disdain for Alex Corretja when he threw his lunch up all over the fault line.  After his epic fifth-set tie-breaker win at the 1996 US Open, it was said that to recover from dehydration he needed two litres of Robinson’s Whole Orange Squash delivered intravenously.

Who knew anyone cared this much about Tennis?

4. Who can forget star of Space Jam, Michael Jordan’s epic “Flu Game” from the 1997 NBA Finals?  After he helped launch R Kelly into the stratosphere and inadvertently paved the way for future sex offenders to continue to produce hit records (even after conviction), Jordan clearly wanted to prove that he still had it on the court, regardless of whether some virus was going to knock him out.  It’s said that the following year he played a game with a bout of gastroenteritis and in ’98 he intentionally contracted excema so that defenders would be left holding flaked skin when they tried to block his legendary shots.

“Jesus, you’re like some kind of human snake. Am I going to catch this?”

5. Paul Scholes may not have been passing fluid, but it is an excuse to share one of the enduring images of my childhood and show his funny little willy one more time (plus an excuse to use the term “funny little willy” in pseudo-print).

Classic.

London 2050: A wobbling mess of massive dead eyed lard monsters

Hola.

When someone finds out I’m reading the Daily Mail their reaction is normally ‘are you a racist yet?’ Which, as far as questions go, is a pretty shitty icebreaker. However, the tacit racism that I’ve chosen to rub all over my face on a daily basis isn’t the thing that’s getting me down the most, the one thing that’s really starting to tattoo itself across my soul is the ‘shock fatigue’.

Every day I’m faced with another ‘shock report‘, a hot slice of ‘doomsday scenario‘, or a fresh pan of ‘nightmares of causality‘. Regardless of whether it’s the white bread brand that’s trying to turn England into a Muslim paradise or the French sneaking bad donkeys into UK horse skins, everyday The Daily Mail wheels out another banal, dead eyed 90’s RnB style threat to Cricket and Bruce Forsyth and everything England holds dear.

It’s exhausting.

My jaw is ageing at twice the speed of the rest of my body due to hanging agape so fucking often.

Hey Fatty. Put down that Jaffa Cake and read this!

Today’s ‘doomsday scenario’ has come about from the simple fact that you people won’t stop bloody eating. You won’t stop bloody eating and it’s killing you, killing you and everyone around you. By 2050 over half of the UK population will be obese and it’s all your fault because you’re one of them. But you don’t care that do you? You’re hungry aren’t you? I bet you’ve got a pasty on the go right now, just to ‘give you the energy to use the keyboard’. Just microwaving a chicken to ‘tide you over till breakfast’ are you?

You people make me sick.

A shock report published today by the National Obesity Forum simply repeated the words ‘The UK is crazy fat’ 500 times. Edwin Middlemannn of Croydon, as if trying to prove the report’s point, spent four hours rolling around on his back in the Whitgift Centre because he’d fallen and couldn’t raise his ubiquitous girth from the crisp sodden floor, while women in Thanington Whithout reported being bloated ALL DAY. Things are at crisis point.

It’s official, Great Britain is a lard sodden flesh hole. In fact, the only thing only thing ‘Great’ about Great Britain is its population’s BMI (zing!). Yes, according to today’s Mail, the grand old U of K is filled to bursting with waddling pig skins who breastfeed their children KFC mega buckets and are confused about how to eat properly, meat shapes who spend their days relentlessly shovelling margarine into the gaping chasms in their faces thinking they’ve taken the ‘healthy option’ by removing the wrapper. And according to the experts, it’s only going to get worse, Alabaster Lessfat, a cardiologist, stated today that this is ‘the greatest threat to health worldwide, as the population of the UK get too fat for our tiny Island they’ll simply start choking other nations with their girth’. In short, we’re all fucked.

The situation is so bad that Jamie Oliver is constantly vomiting: ‘Everywhere I look, all I can see is people who have stuffed balloons into their skin, I’m so sad I can’t play the drums anymore’. 

The only problem with all of this is that the report isn’t in any way based in fact. This is the only report of its kind that takes into account people who will be fat in the future.  The report states that people get fatter as they age, therefore, it can be said that everybody in the UK that is skinny now will be obese in the future. Therefore everybody in England is obese.

Using this same logic we can say that everybody in the world was, at one point, a child. Therefore if you’ve ever had sex on, with or near another human being you’re a pedophile. That’s not me calling you a pedophile, that’s the National Obesity Forum. The National Obesity Forum is calling you an obese pedophile. You gonna let that happen?

Daily Mail says “Channel 4 treat the poor like Watkins treats kids”

Well-come to the new year.

Yesterday I was smashed in the face with a realisation. It cut out my eyes and ran to the back of the bus with them to sit with the cool kids. This realisation shook me to my very core, emptying me and leaving only a hollow depressed husk in my place, a husk filled with bones that are weak and full of rickets.

As I sat on the bus reading my Daily Mail (I’ve now reached a point in which I’m fine with reading it in public) I realised two things:

• A) That I am about to enter my third month on this project. I’m now past the point of no return, my first trimester is over, the Daily Mail cannot legally abort me.
• B) That I hadn’t blogged in quite a while but I was still reading the Daily Mail. If I’m not blogging about it I’m really just reading the Daily Mail. In public.

The existential horror of the realisation that I am now just a reader of the Daily Mail literally stole the stinking commie liberal breath directly from my mouth. Needless to say I’ll be re-devoting myself to the blog in the coming months.

 

Channel 4uck!

Monday nights airing of Channel 4’s new documentary, Benefits Street, finds the Daily Mail rearing its muscular neck mane like a racist Aslan ready to bite. The programme, which not only featured a twats guide to shoplifting but also seemed to pull an ‘Ian Watkins’ on the participants (it exploited them, this isn’t a Skype rape thing), has given the Daily Mail the perfect chainsaw on a stick with which to beat Channel 4 around the head with. But in order to do so, it had to join forces with its most hated enemy: The poor.

To understand why the Daily Mail would go to such unprecedented lengths as to actually try to take a poor person seriously, we have to first understand the reason for its hatred for Channel 4.

 The conflict, which at one point almost cost the UK the entirety of GodManchester and claimed Neil Kinnock’s first set of legs, has been in a ‘cold’ phase for the last 30 years. But its origins stretch back to the beginnings of both organisations. It’s said that the two West African tribes from which the Daily Mail and Channel 4 originated from were once very close. The Tribes lived together in a wasteland on the edge of a lush forest and one day, with both tribes suffering from a lack of food, the people of Channel 4 tried to venture into the woods to find sustenance and wanted to take the Daily Mails with them. The Mail refused and so Channel 4 went alone. Some months later the last of the Daily Mail tribe were forced into the forest by predators. While wandering through the vegetation they came upon a clearing in which Channel 4 where having a pool party, all around them was food, liberal sex, midgets, drugs, people holding small birds, the misunderstood and the original Countdown presenter. John Snow’s great grandfather x15 wore a makeshift silly tie while telling people bad news. This revelry and frivolousness disgusted The Daily Mail and before turning their backs on Channel 4 forever they pissed in the pool, also jizzing a little bit. There has been blood on the hands of both houses ever since.

Channel 4 have a mandate to consistently break new ground, to diversify and bring new things to the table, which in the hands of  anything else would be a pretty powerful ideology, however in the hands of Channel 4 it just results in shows like “The Secrets Of Repairmen Who Are Constantly Vomiting” or “Doggers Learning to be DJs”.  But as shit as they are at following through with it, this set of rules does put them at the polar opposite of the spectrum to the Daily Mail. This is fundamentally why the two tribes are at war and why the Mail will stretch to any length to make Channel 4 look bad and finally, why it has aligned itself with the poor.

The residents of Benefits Street have stated that Channel 4 abused and duped them while filing the documentary. Claiming that the show was to be about a community that works together in times of need, the documentary team instead made the residents of said street ‘look like tramps’, most notably by rubbing dirt on their faces and adding KFC buckets and cans of lager into the background with special effects.   The two most vocal proponents of this are of the family Dee, which consists of a mother and daughter combo who’s first names seem to be White and Black respectively, having made statements that Channel 4 “don’ duped and abused me, don’ make me look like de scum, I will cram myself inside dere tree blood  jam jam jam, I am gonna Wicker Man that shit”.

Irrespective of the absolute tit bait coming out of their mouths, the Daily Mail have printed every word these malformed idiots care to utter, at one point wasting over a paragraph on street resident ‘Fungi’s’ constant repeated muttering of the opening lines of the Golden Girls theme tune. All the while thinly veiling their utter contempt for everyone involved; introducing victims by listing their criminal record, using statements like ‘raking in £900 in benefits’, ‘fucktard’ and ‘awful drunk trash bastard’. All this in an effort to make Channel 4 look slightly bad, not realising that all they really have to do is point at an episode of Hollyoaks.