Well-come to the new year.
Yesterday I was smashed in the face with a realisation. It cut out my eyes and ran to the back of the bus with them to sit with the cool kids. This realisation shook me to my very core, emptying me and leaving only a hollow depressed husk in my place, a husk filled with bones that are weak and full of rickets.
As I sat on the bus reading my Daily Mail (I’ve now reached a point in which I’m fine with reading it in public) I realised two things:
- A) That I am about to enter my third month on this project. I’m now past the point of no return, my first trimester is over, the Daily Mail cannot legally abort me.
- B) That I hadn’t blogged in quite a while but I was still reading the Daily Mail. If I’m not blogging about it I’m really just reading the Daily Mail. In public.
The existential horror of the realisation that I am now just a reader of the Daily Mail literally stole the stinking commie liberal breath directly from my mouth. Needless to say I’ll be re-devoting myself to the blog in the coming months.
Monday nights airing of Channel 4’s new documentary, Benefits Street, finds the Daily Mail rearing its muscular neck mane like a racist Aslan ready to bite. The programme, which not only featured a twats guide to shoplifting but also seemed to pull an ‘Ian Watkins’ on the participants (it exploited them, this isn’t a Skype rape thing), has given the Daily Mail the perfect chainsaw on a stick with which to beat Channel 4 around the head with. But in order to do so, it had to join forces with its most hated enemy: The poor.
To understand why the Daily Mail would go to such unprecedented lengths as to actually try to take a poor person seriously, we have to first understand the reason for its hatred for Channel 4.
The conflict, which at one point almost cost the UK the entirety of GodManchester and claimed Neil Kinnock’s first set of legs, has been in a ‘cold’ phase for the last 30 years. But its origins stretch back to the beginnings of both organisations. It’s said that the two West African tribes from which the Daily Mail and Channel 4 originated from were once very close. The Tribes lived together in a wasteland on the edge of a lush forest and one day, with both tribes suffering from a lack of food, the people of Channel 4 tried to venture into the woods to find sustenance and wanted to take the Daily Mails with them. The Mail refused and so Channel 4 went alone. Some months later the last of the Daily Mail tribe were forced into the forest by predators. While wandering through the vegetation they came upon a clearing in which Channel 4 where having a pool party, all around them was food, liberal sex, midgets, drugs, people holding small birds, the misunderstood and the original Countdown presenter. John Snow’s great grandfather x15 wore a makeshift silly tie while telling people bad news. This revelry and frivolousness disgusted The Daily Mail and before turning their backs on Channel 4 forever they pissed in the pool, also jizzing a little bit. There has been blood on the hands of both houses ever since.
Channel 4 have a mandate to consistently break new ground, to diversify and bring new things to the table, which in the hands of anything else would be a pretty powerful ideology, however in the hands of Channel 4 it just results in shows like “The Secrets Of Repairmen Who Are Constantly Vomiting” or “Doggers Learning to be DJs”. But as shit as they are at following through with it, this set of rules does put them at the polar opposite of the spectrum to the Daily Mail. This is fundamentally why the two tribes are at war and why the Mail will stretch to any length to make Channel 4 look bad and finally, why it has aligned itself with the poor.
The residents of Benefits Street have stated that Channel 4 abused and duped them while filing the documentary. Claiming that the show was to be about a community that works together in times of need, the documentary team instead made the residents of said street ‘look like tramps’, most notably by rubbing dirt on their faces and adding KFC buckets and cans of lager into the background with special effects. The two most vocal proponents of this are of the family Dee, which consists of a mother and daughter combo who’s first names seem to be White and Black respectively, having made statements that Channel 4 “don’ duped and abused me, don’ make me look like de scum, I will cram myself inside dere tree blood jam jam jam, I am gonna Wicker Man that shit”.
Irrespective of the absolute tit bait coming out of their mouths, the Daily Mail have printed every word these malformed idiots care to utter, at one point wasting over a paragraph on street resident ‘Fungi’s’ constant repeated muttering of the opening lines of the Golden Girls theme tune. All the while thinly veiling their utter contempt for everyone involved; introducing victims by listing their criminal record, using statements like ‘raking in £900 in benefits’, ‘fucktard’ and ‘awful drunk trash bastard’. All this in an effort to make Channel 4 look slightly bad, not realising that all they really have to do is point at an episode of Hollyoaks.