STOP EATING, START CUTTING

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Firstly, I just have to get this off my chest. If surnames are all derived from somewhere then where the fuck did ‘Dickinson’ come from? Was a Celtic father found with his scabbard buried deep into his first born male heir? Was incest so common that people thought it would be socially acceptable to highlight inter-generational, familial buggery in such a way? Do people with the surname Dickinson not change their name by deedpoll as soon as they start Secondary school? It’s very bizarre and I had to share that with you educated readers, please let me know any trivia in the comments below. Anyway…

Hello MiniTrue fans, I hope you’re well. Are you eating your lunch? Are you working an 8+ hour day with a designated time somewhere in the middle that you thought was for sustenance foraging? Are you waiting in line at Pret A Manger or some pretentious, over-priced cafe where all the food is soaked in barley, quinoa and breast milk coulis? I thought so. Well guess what? The Daily Mail has revolutionised your lunch hour. The ‘Femail’ writer Katy Winter has opened up your world in that precious hour when you’re not glued to a monitor. Mail Online has found a way to stop you eating at lunchtime and improve not just your buns and tums but the areas of your body you didn’t even know about.

NO MORE KNINKLES: NOW THERE’S A £500 LUNCHTIME LIFT TO BANISH THAT SAGGY SKIN 

Kninkles - These Could Be Your Legs (Flickr /Heather & Mike)
Kninkles – These Could Be Your Legs (Flickr /Heather & Mike)

Kninkles. That’s knee wrinkles to you shallow mother-fuckers with no self awareness or feminist knowledge of the power of beauty. As the article points out, Kninkles are one of the biggest signs of aging along with liver spots and a catheter. They are the bane of your life and we can’t believe you’ve let them get so out of hand, you look older than Helen Mirren and you’re only 32. Lucky for you we’re at hand to highlight all of the mythical minefield areas of your body that you have let slide. Just imagine what the tops of your legs would have looked like if we hadn’t told you about the thigh gap? They would have looked like the two fat, clay-mation bikers from Michael Jackson’s ‘MoonWalker’ film squeezed into fabric, enveloping your vulva like nuzzling whales on a coat-of-arms for SeaWorld. Your legs would have looked shit.

Knife Yourself To Beauty (Flickr / aka Quique)
Knife Yourself To Beauty (Flickr / aka Quique)

Well praise be to Mail Online for bringing the shitty bits of your bodies into the spotlight, and be mindful this is only targeted at women because male knees age beautifully. When old men put their knees together it’s like a baby’s bottom which is why so many elderly male relatives sit grandchildren on their knees cause it’s soft like a fucking cloud alright? That’s fucking science, OK WOMEN? So, below is a list of the other areas of your body that you need to tone up, trim down, cut to pieces, pump full of chemicals and generally mangle into a state of beauty. Nip Tuck or No Fuck as they say in LA.

PULPY PERINEUM  = FATTY DEPOSITS BETWEEN YOUR VULVA AND ANUS

FOLLICINKLES = WRINKLES UNDER THE SKIN WHERE YOUR HAIR GROWS FROM

COOKIE JAR LIDS = CHUBBY EYELIDS

LUNAR LOBES = TOO MANY HELIXES ON YOUR OUTER EAR RESEMBLING CRATERS

EPIGLOTTITS = LARYNX WHICH RESEMBLES A BREAST OR NIPPLE

METATARESHOLES = CELLULITE ON THE TOP OF YOUR FEET

SCRAPULA = LACK OF TANNING UNDER YOUR ARMS

PAREIDOLICOOCH = THE IMAGE OF A FACE IN YOUR VAGINA

Beauty, Glamour & Personality (Flickr / spike55151)
Beauty, Glamour & Personality (Flickr / spike55151)

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

Don’t Let The Brown Get You Down

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

The Oscar winning actor, Philip Seymour Hoffman, died of a heroin overdose this week.

He was found dead by a friend in his New York apartment with up to 70 bags of heroin and other drugs around him.

He was an incredibly talented actor with a list of mesmerising roles behind him.

All of these are relevant stories about a man who brought so much to his craft, but they’re not THE story. I’m sure those of you who watched him in ‘The Master’ or ‘Synecdoche, NY’ will believe THE story is about the power of his performances or his uncanny ability to own every film he was in no matter how small the role. I am certain that some feel THE story will be the world paying tribute to Mr. Hoffman for his raw talent. There may be some of you who feel THE story should be about drug use in Hollywood and the deaths of other actors like Heath Ledger or Pauly Shore and their addictions. This is not THE story. None of these are THE story. Do you want to know what THE story is?

Philip Seymour Hoffman looked pasty and drawn for his last photo opportunity

I mean what kind of self serving celebrity doesn’t bring their A-Game to every red carpet photo opp? It doesn’t matter if you’ve just vaginally shat out triplets and are suffering with severe post natal depression, you still make sure you look good for the cameras darling. It doesn’t matter if breast-feeding has left your nipples looking like someone tried to poach, scramble and fry two eggs and then regurgitated them onto someone’s fist, you still wear a designer outfit and strut. It doesn’t matter if you’re Nick Nolte, you still get someone to put you in a suit and smile for the paparazzi cause it’s your job.

What’s worse is this was his last photoshoot ever (apart from all the one’s we get of the coffin and the headstone in a few weeks but I don’t think it will be an open casket) so you’d think Mr. Hoffman would have made a bit more effort. I mean if he was so high on drugs shouldn’t he be smiling and waving his hand in front of his face to see the trails and putting ‘Ogden’s Nut Gone Flake’ on a portable turntable?

Isn’t heroin fun? Shouldn’t he have looked like this?

Give Us A Smile If It's Your Last (Flickr/JamieMoffett)
Give Us A Smile If It’s Your Last (Flickr/JamieMoffett)

Just look at the photos on the Daily Mail website and ask yourself wouldn’t it have been nicer for everybody mourning if he’d just cracked a smile? I mean the one’s of him in the Olive Green cardigan are upsetting and a bit dour but then there’s one which looks like someone took a picture of him and then screwed it up and threw it in the bin only to find out he died and they needed a few more snaps to sell. Why is it all crinkled and blurry like that? Poor guy didn’t even get a decent photographer for his final shoot, I hear Terry Richardson is really good at coaxing out the inner beauty of addicts. Why didn’t someone make sure Philip Seymour Hoffman had access to Terry Richardson instead of heroin? Why didn’t someone explain to Philip Seymour Hoffman that passion and ability mean nothing without a good stylist, a sharp suit and an exploitative photographer? Did nobody at Sundance give him some of those special celebrity eye-drops which dry out your eyeballs so you don’t look like your crying on camera? Did none of his friends, family or co-stars have an intervention about that straggly beard? Our heart goes out to him and his lack of fashion sense.

RIP Philip Seymour Hoffman – Rest In Photogenicness

In tribute to the Oscar winning actor here are a few of the loving comments from Mail Online in response to Philip Seymour Hoffman’s passing;

Should Terry Richardson have taken Philip Seymour Hoffman's Final Portrait? (Flickr/DOSOMETHINGSTUDIO)
Should Terry Richardson have taken Philip Seymour Hoffman’s Final Portrait? (Flickr/DOSOMETHINGSTUDIO)

“Selfish Way Out” Lawyer, Alwoodley Leeds

“I’m sorry, why should I care?” Yarply Twelve, Tn US

“Frankly my dear, I don;t want to look at a coward” Taff, Wales

“I don’t wish to be uncaring but I’ve never heard of him” Nick, Sumware UK

“He wasn’t that healthy. Shocker” Ian, Ilford UK

“He did look awful.” Sophia, Notts

“A very selfish act by a man who had it all” holinfl, Florida

“This is the face of fame” Avon Lady, Lancaster

“Learn to read” Menyr, UK

“Who?” Markus89, Manchester UK

BIGOT BREAK! Sorry Minorities, It’s OK To Like Chalkie White

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Do you remember this?

That Clown's Going Down (Flickr / Marksmanuk)
This Clown’s Going Down (Flickr / Marksmanuk)

How about this?

4246345480_e662b90be2_z
Operation Yewtree’s Latest MugShot (Flickr / Richard Cawood)

If you do, chances are that most of your childhood dreams are shattered anyway and you’re now a shallow husk who works out their day in a maelstrom of pain and hatred to all of those around you. You hate animals now because everytime you see a cute kitten video on The Youtube, you hear the Animal Hospital theme tune. You hate art and creative endeavors because everytime you think of picking up a brush you’re confronted with Rolf Harris’ gurning face. You hate being charitable or liking music because of the post Saville-Gate connotations and the thought that your favourite singer from a Welsh rock band could be a baby rapist! Nothing is sacred. The 80’s & 90’s have been torched and all that’s left is a generation of men and women with blood and maybe more on their hands. Are we to blame? Has all hope been lost for all of us who gunged over Crinkley Bottom?

NO! Have no fear everyone, a slither of hope has arisen from the paedophilic cesspool of British Culture of our generation. A shining no nonse-sense phoenix has arisen from the ashes of controversy to bring light to this fine country again.

Snookering You Tonight, Bigot Break! (Flickr/ the justified sinner)
Snookering You Tonight, Bigot Break! (Flickr/ the justified sinner)

Jim Davidson might be a racist.

Jim Davidson might refuse entry to disabled people at his gigs or the Olympics.

Mr ‘Nick Nick’ himself might think women’s hands are merely fleshy urinals for him to piss in.

The Big Break star might be a horribly homophobic presenter who should have lost his celebrity status decades ago.

The cheeky chappy might find rape a laughing matter and look like a potato in drag.

Jim Davidson may hate Paul Daniels with a vengeance.

Jim Davidson might be all of these things, but he is not a paedophile. He missed out on Celebrity Big Brother last year because he was under investigation by the Saville posse, Operation Yewtree, but has since been told he will face no further action. Since then he’s gone on to win not just the 2014 installment of the hit Channel 5 show but also it seems, the heart of our nation. Frankly it seems all The Daily Mail’s dreams are coming true as now the 35 Romanians who’ve come to steal our jobs this year will truly see the face of our country in all it’s spud-a-like glory. Thank goodness we’ve been able to realise what crimes truly matter in this day and age, maybe now as a country we can begin to heal and move forward to an indigenous Britain again? Just remember to make Britain great again, all together;

“IT DOESN’T MATTER IF YOU’RE A RACIST, HOMOPHOBIC, ANTI-FEMINIST, PISS-OFFERING BIGOT WITH EUGENIC IDEALS & UNSAVORY HATRED AS LONG AS YOU DON’T TOUCH KIDS!”

Have fun children, it’s election time next year!

[Editor’s Note: At no point in this article are we stating that anyone referenced or pictured is a paedophile or a criminal of any kind unless they’ve been found guilty in a Court of Law.]

The Golden Age of Celebrities

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

“Pop Will Eat Itself”. So said David Quantick when writing about Jamie Wednesday in the NME about the cyclical, recycled nature of pop music. I don’t know if it’s finished the meal quite yet but Pop has definitely had a good go at self-cannibalism.

“Celebrities Will Eat Themselves”. So said Meerkuts after reading the Mail Online for ages and not knowing any of the names of these people who show skin, court cameras and look confused. Well at least Celebrities would eat themselves if the latest Atkin’s or 4:3 diet allowed them a nibble of their own forearm.

Diana Chinese Lingerie Ad (SpreadIt Style - Tim Roth)
Diana Chinese Lingerie Ad (SpreadIt Style – Tim Roth)

In 2013 and so far in 2014, Celebrities just aren’t cutting the mustard (unless it’s to spread on their inner thighs during Hot Yoga, helps release toxins). Carla Delevigne strutted about looking manly. Michelle Dockery flashed a bra. Someone called Snooki hid behind a bag. This isn’t news or even gossip, this is Tim Allen riffing on Lenny Bruce. It’s the remake of ‘The Great Escape’ with Justin Bieber riding a Segway to freedom as he saves an Anne-Frank-O-Gram who didn’t bother with a diary because she was listening to ‘Believe’. There’s no spark. I long for the day when our dignitaries and celebrities knew how to court a story. When people like Lord Longford knew how to get onto the Front Page and Prime Minister’s didn’t go on Desert Island Discs to choose ‘The Smiths’ songs, they stole milk, pissed off Northerners and started wars! The Mail is indigenously British and misses the halcyon days where News of The World was still with us and George Michael was straight, just look at what celebrities are up to in 2014;

Jasmine Waltz knows how to grab your breast-attention

What does this mean? Your best attention? The attention of your breasts? I don’t even know what this story is! Is it a pun? Is it a simile? Is it a double-entendre? Also what is it with phrases like “nearly-nude” and “barely-there”? I remember when you had clothed celebrities like Oliver Postgate and naked celebrities like Princess Diana. Imagine how different the coverage of her car crash would have been with today’s phrases. Something like “nearly-miss altercation in a Paris tunnel” or “barely-there near death experience”. The People’s Princess knew how to give us a good story!

Baywatch - Peace, Love & Harmony (Flickr/Hedler)
Baywatch – Peace, Love & Harmony (Flickr/Hedler)

Kelly Brook makes fashion Faux-Pas as she goes bra-less to awards

Oi Kelly! Check your Filo-Fax girl. This is so 1996! Breasts are so passé in 2014. Just look at all the men on trial this year who have given up on breasts. Men who back in the nineties entertained our children, played us music and gave money to charity. Unfortunately Ms. Brook looks like a crazed deer stumbling around the red carpet throwing mammaries at people and her eyes are asking ‘Why? Why? Why are my tits broken?’. They’re not broken Kelly, they’re just in the wrong decade. In the 90’s Madonna adorned coffee tables with her private parts and Pamela Anderson turned up like this on family entertainment shows. Supposedly Michael Hesletine whispered to John Major in the Thatcher coup, “Don’t worry about the European Exchange Rate, ITV have got titties”.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

BBC = BLOODY BOLSHEVIK CUNTS

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

If there’s someone strange in your neighbourhood, who you gonna call? ‘MarxBusters’!                                                                            A non-fascist woman who thinks for herself, who you gonna call? ‘MarxBusters’!

Are you worried that this country is being overrun with Leftie losers? The Daily Mail is. Are you worried that our fragile, not-to-be-seen-or-heard offspring are being brainwashed by poets and conscientious objectors? The Daily Mail is. Do you feel that this is all the fault of that palace of prissiness, the home of humanism, the bloody BBC!?

Sherlock - Evidence of Marxist BBC (Flickr/GivingNot)
Sherlock – Evidence of Marxist BBC (Flickr/GivingNot)

Recently we uncovered that Sherlock, the hit TV series starring people from The Hobbit, has a strong case of left-of-centre bias and is trying to usurp the Tories for the election in 2015. If you watched the episode you would have seen Rupert Murdoch slandered, characters allowing homeless drug addicts into their street without a Neighbourhood Watch intervening and a 10 minute scene where the heroes kissed pumice stones, listened to folk and tried basket weaving. It was a shock to The Mail that Sherlock didn’t hold a street party to welcome all the Romanians to London offering them Watson’s job and laughing as Una Stubbs died from the cold whilst the immigrants were wrapped in space blankets made from benefits! The BBC love pedophiles remember? (In fact they were kind of like a Pedo Pimp in the 70’s what with Saville, Dave Lee Travis & Rolf Harris all being on their payroll)

Well don’t fear, after a successful campaign last year against Mr Marxist himself, Papa Miliband, the Daily Mail have set up ‘MarxBusters’! Anytime you hear Chris Packham standing up for the rights of a fox, we will out him and his chubby eyes as a Bolshie. Whenever someone cooks a pie that isn’t traditionally British on Great British Bake Off, we will vilify them and their left-wing hate speak! Here are the Daily Mail’s Top 5 Bolshevik BBC targets in 2014;

1. The Wombles

Do you remember The Wombles? Those carpet shag, eco-minded, communist squatters!? Did you know that over 85% of those crusty clots in masks at Occupy London watched The Wombles whilst growing up? Look what naive buffoons those Marxist melons were turned into by the BBC. It’s just outrageous that our License Fee goes towards such blatant liberal propaganda.

Tree Hugging Prick from BBC (Flickr/Jessicastjohn)
Tree Hugging Prick from BBC (Flickr/Jessicastjohn)

2. Steven Moffat

The man behind Sherlock and its vile, latitudinarian leanings. The man behind Dr. Who and the disappointing series where he promised the Doctor was dead and then retconned it really poorly. The man who wrote Coupling and has that weird kind of hair like Norman Osborne which makes him look like he’s trying to be sympathetic to people. He also wrote Chalk, I know someone who was in Chalk and they had dreadlocks and have stepped foot in Africa!

Moffat Laughing At Dead Soldiers Probably (Flickr/ zeropuntosedici)
Moffat Laughing At Dead Soldiers Probably (Flickr/ zeropuntosedici)

3.  Jeremy Paxman

Sam The Eagle himself. A man who knows about classical music and speaks out against Michael Gove. A man who has had a beard and conversed with Russell Brand. A man who worked for the BBC throughout the 1970’s, hmmm?

Paxman: Reasonable, Rational, Left-Wing (Flickr /jonathanmcintosh)
Paxman: Reasonable, Rational, Left-Wing (Flickr /jonathanmcintosh)

4. Barney Harwood

‘Blue Peter’. ‘Prank Patrol’. The terribly named ‘Hider in the House’. All of these things show a left-wing protege in the making. In the 60’s Blue Peter was about making things, being British and helping people. It seems Harwood and his crew are too liberal for that and so they just float balloons around people’s houses, disturbing the piece and trying to highlight there should be more ethnicity. Don’t worry people Barney is in The Mail’s sights!

Blue Peter's Gone Downhill (Flickr/UniofNotts)
Blue Peter’s Gone Downhill (Flickr/UniofNotts)

5. Doctor Who?

The flagship BBC show has flown under our radar for a while but with Moffat behind the wheel of the Tardis it’s sure to show its true Marxist colours soon. Helping distressed aliens come to Earth, mixing with all manner of non-British people, giving women positions of authority and breaking into a young girl’s house to dip his fishy finger in her custard. There’s a reason it’s been on the BBC for 50 years, it kowtows to every left-wing, pedophiliac  whim the BBC writes into it’s programming agenda. If it was up to the Time-Lord, England would change it’s name to Bucharest 2!

Dr Who Loves Immigrants (Flickr/mninha)
Dr Who Loves Immigrants (Flickr/mninha)

HAVE YOURSELF A VERY MAILY CHRISTMAS

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Christmas is a time of death.

“Look long at your Christmas tree, it may be the last one that you see

Thank God for your family, cause someday they’ll be dead”

Trey Parker, Dead Dead Dead

2013 has been a year of death. Maggie, Madiba, Ronnie Biggs & Lou Reed have all pushed up the daisies this year but the Mail haven’t had their hands in any of them. Well maybe a little bit with Mandela but let’s not talk about that!

Christmas is a Time of Death (Flickr / gwdesq)
Christmas is a Time of Death (Flickr / gwdesq)

Christmas is also a time of giving and nobody can accuse Our Mail of being a scrooge. Not even Ed Miliband and his dead, socialist Dad can accuse Our Mail of being a grinch. They’re a very giving bunch. Not even that pouting tart Ruby Tandoh from Great British Bake Off can accuse Our Mail of being a Humbug. They’re all about presents. Not even Immigrants and Terrorists with their job-grabbing hands and their benefit-soaked lifestyles can accuse Our Mail of being unseasonal. They’re all about forgiveness.

A Very Maily Christmas (Flickr/ tomylees)
A Very Maily Christmas (Flickr/ tomylees)

2013 has been a good year for Moral Outrage for Our Mail, some of it from the paper itself and some directed at it. Whether it was Moral Outrage at Muslims beheading soldiers in the street or even worse Jack Whitehall taking jibes at our beloved Queen Liz, The Mail fought the evil lefties. Whether it was the world attacking Our Mail for exposing David & Ed’s Dad as a pipe smoking commie or jumped up satirists trying to make fun of Mail Online with their weak attacks on Mail News, Sports & Showbiz, The Mail stood its ground.

So this Christmas here’s an idea for a Daily Mail special present.

Some avid readers might remember earlier this year, Richard LittleJohn used his gilded perch to heap scorn and derision on a Transgender teacher, Lucy Meadows. Thanks to Dick’s article this young lady man thing was driven to commit suicide, which means there’s one less midget loving freak who’ll be using the pointless transgender toilets at Sussex University. So this Christmas how about giving you a chance to vote for a newsworthy target who Rich LittleJohn, Baz Bambigoye and all the other writers can attack and hopefully force another left-wing, eco-friendly, homo-loving, feminist to top themselves.

Use the voting buttons below and have a very Maily Christmas!

SHUT UP PROLETARIATS! YOUR MAIL KNOWS BEST

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

You think you’re so fucking smart, right? oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo       You think if you wear an item of clothing you know what it says about you, right?                                                                             You think if you meet with an ex-lover or an old friend you know the feelings in your own heart?                                             You think you have any idea what goes on inside that silly little head of yours? Well you don’t.

Have no fear, for Mail Mother is here for you. Mail Mother will spit on your cheek and rub off the chocolate stains.  Mail Mother will tell you who to love and what your friends really think about you.

MAIL MOTHER KNOWS BEST. Sleep well children.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Mail Mother Discipline Up In Here (Flickr / antefixus21)
Mail Mother Discipline Up In Here (Flickr / antefixus21)

So this week, MiniTrue’s ‘Mail Mother’ has cast her beady eye across Showbiz and told her brainless brood exactly what to think. Listen up celebrities, we’re watching you!

DIDN’T YOU SPLIT UP? JAMES NESBITT & ‘ESTRANGED’ WIFE SPOTTED AT HOBBIT PREMIERE

James Nesbitt, he of Cold Feet, The Hobbit and the one about deep sea mining just doesn’t know when to give up! He is also incapable of understanding the inner workings of his heart and the relationship he has with the mother of his two children. What kind of DumbleDick goes to a film premiere with a women he no longer gets blowjobs from? The two children they share and years of friendship are not a good enough reason. You spilt up Jimmy! Mail Mother says you should go stag & she’ll give you a toothless good time.

ALEXANDRA HOLLYWOOD HAS ABSOLUTELY, UNDENIABLY & WITHOUT A DOUBT GOT BACK WITH PAUL ‘SLEAZEBAG BUT SEXY’ HOLLYWOOD

The last year of infidelity, public breakups and Paul Hollywood’s leering behaviour on Great British Bake Off (See Our Delicious MiniTrue Coverage of GBBO here) means nothing. All that matters is a lady, who used to be married to a man, went for dinner, gave the man a hug and has a ring on. He’s a silver-haired fox who can make butter melt and then bake a scone with it, of course he’s winning her back and she’s falling for it. Ready, Set, BAKE! Mail Mother knows he won’t leave Alex with a soggy bottom!

GARNER’S NOT AFRAID OF CARBS OR LOVING HER CHILDREN

Jennifer Garner, who I imagine is an actress or model or singer, may well be in love with carbs. Ms. Garner may well have a sexual relationship with carbs. There’s even a remote possibility that she entices her offspring into eating the dreaded carbs. One thing we do know about Jennifer Garner is, she’s not afraid of carbs. It’s unlikely that the picture Mail Online snapped of her solemnly carrying her children and clutching a carb filled baguette is evidence of her facing her fears. This woman just isn’t afraid of them! Mail Mother knows a blinkered, fearless fool when she sees one. Be afraid Garner, be very afraid.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

All The Girls Love Mr. Hollywood (Flickr / Natman)
All The Girls Love Mr. Hollywood (Flickr / Natman)

SWALLOW THIS YOU CULTURE JUNKIES

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Ian Watkins - Sex Offendor (Flickr / sam_stott)
Ian Watkins – Sex Offender (Flickr / sam_stott)

Punnilingus (n): 

  • To arouse or entertain an ignorant party using coy wordplay or meaningless play-on-word references.

People are stupid. People need news. This is our motto over here at Mail HQ. People need news that they can stomach because the world can be  a cruel, unrelenting place.

PAEDO-HORROR: NU-METAL LEAD SINGER CHARGED WITH 13 SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES INCLUDING 2 FOR RAPING A BABY

Imagine reading that. Imagine reading that Ian Watkins had raped a baby in those cold harsh terms. Imagine having to take in news in such a clear, unbiased and direct manner. Imagine having to face up to the reality of news with no buffer. It just doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

ENFANT TERRIBLE: EVIL SHINOBI VS. CUTE DRAGON NINJA RESULTS IN PEACHES GELDOF TWEET FAIL

Now wasn’t that easier to stomach? Wasn’t that a nicer way to read that someone had sexually assaulted a 12 month old child? Doesn’t the world feel a better and safer place to live now? The government will sort out all the evil people, the army will sort out the non-English people and The X-Factor will stop the polar ice-caps melting. The Daily Mail is the new Buddhism.

Here are some of the easier to stomach, completely true play-on-word headlines from the world of Showbiz this week;

THE ONLY WAY IS BUSH-EX?

Is this a political attack on the Obama Administration? Is Mail Online showing its political colours by harking back to the days of 9/11 and the War on Terror? No, someone called Chloe from The Only Way is Essex fell into a bush.

FEELING AUS-SOME!

Hugh Jackman has cancer. A lot of people have cancer. Do we need information about cancer awareness? Do we need statistics about preventive, medicinal measures? No, we need to make a pun about his country of origin of course!

PROJECT RUN-AWAY! HEIDI KLUM SHOWS NO FEAR

It took me ages to get this one. I was trying to work out if it was to do with Boris Johnson, his IQ test and plans for a fifth London Airport or maybe to do with jet engine emissions. It’s not. She’s a model. Runway model. She held a tarantula. Arachnophobia. It just writes itself this stuff doesn’t it?

HAIR ‘MARE: KATE GARRAWAY SUFFERS FROM FLAT LOCKS

Slightly simpler train of thought this one, she had a “hair nightmare”. What’s more important is that this unkempt presenter turned up to work carrying her belongings in a blue plastic bag! This news headline should have read; ‘THIS WHORE-NING’! What kind of unbelievable shit carries stuff around in a blue plastic bag? I can’t tell you how mad this ITV shitbag made me. If the article hadn’t been preceded by the pun-tastic headline, I think I would have killed someone.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

Tearable Puns (Flickr / Ben+Sam)
Tearable Puns (Flickr / Ben+Sam)

MiniTrue – TIT CRUTCH COMPANIES ARE LYING TO YOU!

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Here Ye Custodians of Chebs, Managers of Mammaries & Wardens of Wobbly Bits, YOU ARE BEING LIED TO!

I know I know, it’s hard to take in but just breathe for a moment. Let your heaving bosoms gently rise and fall like Paul Simon’s young lover’s did at 3AM on a Wednesday morning before he got arrested for stealing from an off-licence and the police came and took him away a few hours later. Calm yourself and your imprisoned milk dispensers as you process the shocking truth that, fashion labels and designer corporations, have been lying to you.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (Flickr / cattias.photos)
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (Flickr / cattias.photos)

Victoria’s Secret, which sounds like a 90’s sitcom starring Kirstie Alley, but is in actual fact a faceless behemoth of the lingerie market, hire lying pricks. Well actually they’re probably more tits or twats or cunts or arseholes as they seem to cater more to female undergarments. In they’re not any specific genitalia at all, they are lying dirty shits. Dirty lying turds smeared all over your genitalia in the shape of knickers, braziers and crotchless panties (that’s the image I was going for right there). Victoria’s Secret have lied to you.

Guiding us through this travesty is MARGOT PEPPERS of Mail Online, she is shocked at the sheer number of lingerie models who, in the harsh light of reality, don’t have massive breasts, pert bottoms or curvaceous cleavage. Looking at Margot’s other articles in the FEMAIL section it’s clear she has a predilection on all things body size, plastic surgery and fake beauty. Whether it’s the Anorexia Memoirs, her articles on why “it’s hard to make clothes look good on big women” or pieces about children and plastic surgery. I’ve not read these pieces so who knows what her stance is but it’s clear she has some unhealthy issues with all things cosmetic. So why has the Victoria Secret’s model debacle irked Margot and The Mail so much?

ADAM LEVINE’S FIANCEE, BEHATI PRINSLOO’S DRESS FIT LOOSELY OVER HER BARELY THERE CURVES

First off, this woman doesn’t even warrant a mention without her fiancee Mr. Levine, just so we’re clear on that. I don’t know who either Adam or Behati are but on the catwalk it appears Ms. Prinsloo was bursting out of her brazier, now she’s a withered stick with nothing to flaunt. How can we aspire to you now, you titless witch!?

21 YEAR OLD GIRL, CARLA DELEVINGNE, HAS A BOYISH FRAME RATHER THAN A VOLUPTUOUS ONE, WITH SLIM HIPS AND LACK OF CLEAVAGE

This poe-faced bitch has the audacity to be made up by professional make-up artists and model some of the most expensive lingerie and she allows it to change how she looks! Delevingne has admitted herself that she would like to be curvier but rather than wait around until she’s had a baby so she can fill out those bras naturally, she continues to pursue a career. What a TWAT!

ERIN HEATHERTON APPEARED WELL-ENDOWED ON RUNWAY BUT IN SYDNEY HER CURVES WERE ALL BUT INVISIBLE

How dare these young women strut their stuff about in front of us when in actuality they have nothing to show? It’s definitely not the fault of a shallow, greedy industry which prizes pre-teen bodies even when selling fully adult bras. It’s got nothing to do with newspapers and journalists forcing young women to aspire to thigh-gaps, size zero and no curves. It’s a world away from crude airbrushing, constant make-up and 15 year old pin up girls. It’s all the fault of these ruddy tarts who are lying to us about their bodies!

Thank goodness these ironing board bitches, these inverted-tit twats, these manly mammaried mother-fuckers had Victoria’s Secret lingerie to enhance their otherwise disgusting, bland bodies. The moral of the story, Lingerie Works!

NO TO FLAT CHESTS SAY DAILY MAIL (FLICKR / foolsplay07)
NO TO FLAT CHESTS SAY DAILY MAIL (FLICKR / foolsplay07)

MiniTrue – Egregious Exhibitionism linked to Evil Oestrogen

MiniTrue – Culture You Can Swallow

Estrogen fuels Exhibitionism? (Flickr/ Movie Stars and Rockets)
Estrogen fuels Exhibitionism? (Flickr/ Movie Stars and Rockets)

Girls are smelly. Girls are poopy. Girls are bad.

These facts have been known to us since the days of the playground and luckily, for men everywhere, the most popular media outlet in the world won’t let us forget it.  It seems that over the last week alone the Mail Online has found countless examples of these dirty oestrogen buckets flaunting themselves about as if the world wanted to catch a glimpse of their midriff. It’s not like these creatures of the softer sex were going about their daily lives and the only reason they “flashed” or “showed off” their bodies is because of a Paparazzi reporter with a long lens. God, how cynical are you? It’s quite clear from Mail Online that famous females can’t help but use their bodies to further their careers and it’s not paparazzi’s fault if they just happen to have a camera out when these tiresome tarts bare it all, is it? It’s not our Daily Mail’s fault that even if some of these silly girls, who pretend to have something to say about the world, are doing it whilst having legs, breasts and stomachs that they can’t help but showing off, is it?

The interesting thing to notice is that you don’t find men doing this. We all know celebrities are exhibitionists by nature but the Daily Mail has proven that although male showbiz types bare their talent for all to see, sadly their female counterparts just can’t help using their bodies to get an extra bit of media coverage. Praise the Testosterone Types with their restraint and ability to walk down a street without gusts of wind lifting up the back of their tops. Respect the Humble Hunks with their navigation of getting out of cars wearing clothes that don’t offer a chance to shove a camera up their crotch to see what brand of briefs they wear. Honour the Superior Studs with their strong strides which allow them to traverse a red carpet without cameramen being able to get the right angle on their thighs to see if they have achieved the allusive thigh gap. Thank goodness for showbiz men who don’t go in for that whole, ‘My body is my career‘ thing!

Girls are smelly. Girls are poopy. Girls are bad and it seems they just can’t keep their bloody clothes on. Here’s some examples from Mail Online of women who are obsessed with giving us an eyeful in last fortnight;

Even Eve Couldn't Resist Showing Her Side Boob (Flickr/timtak)
Even Eve Couldn’t Resist Showing Some Side Boob (Flickr/timtak)

IT’S LADY BRA-BRA! SINGER FLASHES HER BLACK LACE UNDERWEAR

MICHELLE DOCKERY FLASHES HER BRA AS SHE STRIKES A SEXY POSE

PEACHES GELDOF FLASHERS HER LEGS IN A BARELY-THERE DENIM SHORTS

ABS-OLUTELY FABULOUS! JULIANNE HOUGH FLASHES WASHBOARD ABS IN STREET

JENNIFER LAWRENCE SHOWS OFF HER SEXY CURVES & JUST A HINT OF MIDRIFF

PIXIE LOTT FAILS TO PROTECT MODESTY AS SHE DRUNKENLY LEAVES A NIGHTCLUB

CAROLINE FLACK FALLS VICTIM TO HER HEMLINE AND FLASHES HER UNDERWEAR

A CHEEKY DAY OUT! KIMBERLEY GARNER FLASHES HER BOTTOM AS SKIRT CAUGHT BY WIND

JENNIFER LAWRENCE REVEALS SIDE-BOOB AT HUNGER GAMES: CATHING FIRE PREMIERE

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ