MiniTrue – TIT CRUTCH COMPANIES ARE LYING TO YOU!

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Here Ye Custodians of Chebs, Managers of Mammaries & Wardens of Wobbly Bits, YOU ARE BEING LIED TO!

I know I know, it’s hard to take in but just breathe for a moment. Let your heaving bosoms gently rise and fall like Paul Simon’s young lover’s did at 3AM on a Wednesday morning before he got arrested for stealing from an off-licence and the police came and took him away a few hours later. Calm yourself and your imprisoned milk dispensers as you process the shocking truth that, fashion labels and designer corporations, have been lying to you.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (Flickr / cattias.photos)
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (Flickr / cattias.photos)

Victoria’s Secret, which sounds like a 90’s sitcom starring Kirstie Alley, but is in actual fact a faceless behemoth of the lingerie market, hire lying pricks. Well actually they’re probably more tits or twats or cunts or arseholes as they seem to cater more to female undergarments. In they’re not any specific genitalia at all, they are lying dirty shits. Dirty lying turds smeared all over your genitalia in the shape of knickers, braziers and crotchless panties (that’s the image I was going for right there). Victoria’s Secret have lied to you.

Guiding us through this travesty is MARGOT PEPPERS of Mail Online, she is shocked at the sheer number of lingerie models who, in the harsh light of reality, don’t have massive breasts, pert bottoms or curvaceous cleavage. Looking at Margot’s other articles in the FEMAIL section it’s clear she has a predilection on all things body size, plastic surgery and fake beauty. Whether it’s the Anorexia Memoirs, her articles on why “it’s hard to make clothes look good on big women” or pieces about children and plastic surgery. I’ve not read these pieces so who knows what her stance is but it’s clear she has some unhealthy issues with all things cosmetic. So why has the Victoria Secret’s model debacle irked Margot and The Mail so much?

ADAM LEVINE’S FIANCEE, BEHATI PRINSLOO’S DRESS FIT LOOSELY OVER HER BARELY THERE CURVES

First off, this woman doesn’t even warrant a mention without her fiancee Mr. Levine, just so we’re clear on that. I don’t know who either Adam or Behati are but on the catwalk it appears Ms. Prinsloo was bursting out of her brazier, now she’s a withered stick with nothing to flaunt. How can we aspire to you now, you titless witch!?

21 YEAR OLD GIRL, CARLA DELEVINGNE, HAS A BOYISH FRAME RATHER THAN A VOLUPTUOUS ONE, WITH SLIM HIPS AND LACK OF CLEAVAGE

This poe-faced bitch has the audacity to be made up by professional make-up artists and model some of the most expensive lingerie and she allows it to change how she looks! Delevingne has admitted herself that she would like to be curvier but rather than wait around until she’s had a baby so she can fill out those bras naturally, she continues to pursue a career. What a TWAT!

ERIN HEATHERTON APPEARED WELL-ENDOWED ON RUNWAY BUT IN SYDNEY HER CURVES WERE ALL BUT INVISIBLE

How dare these young women strut their stuff about in front of us when in actuality they have nothing to show? It’s definitely not the fault of a shallow, greedy industry which prizes pre-teen bodies even when selling fully adult bras. It’s got nothing to do with newspapers and journalists forcing young women to aspire to thigh-gaps, size zero and no curves. It’s a world away from crude airbrushing, constant make-up and 15 year old pin up girls. It’s all the fault of these ruddy tarts who are lying to us about their bodies!

Thank goodness these ironing board bitches, these inverted-tit twats, these manly mammaried mother-fuckers had Victoria’s Secret lingerie to enhance their otherwise disgusting, bland bodies. The moral of the story, Lingerie Works!

NO TO FLAT CHESTS SAY DAILY MAIL (FLICKR / foolsplay07)
NO TO FLAT CHESTS SAY DAILY MAIL (FLICKR / foolsplay07)
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