Sweepin’ the (nuclear) clouds away.
On my way to where the fallout is sweet
Can you tell me how to get,
How to get to Downing Street?
The front cover of yesterday’s Mail was all about the French.
Naturally then, it is useless to us and should be ignored. Who cares if those baguette munching, onion infested, ‘Allo ‘Allo fetishists perform a FREXIT or not? It’s irresponsible of the Mail to even report it, so let’s move on shall we? Let’s get some UK politics up in this bitch!
The real meat of today’s conversation can be found on pages 10 & 11. A loving double page spread gently entitled ‘CORBYN’S DEFENCE DEBACLE’.
Open your eyes skin sacks! Jeremy Corbyn, raggedy leftie Jesus, is coming for you, he’s coming in the dead of night to destroy you and there’s nothing you can do about it. You can try to run, but he’ll wobble towards you relentlessly like the early onset of bowel cancer, threatening to vomit his diplomacy all over your crumpled face. Cry out in terror and stare into the cold dead eyes of horror, knowing that this is the face of your destruction, this is the face of WAR!!!!
At least that is…according to the DAILY MAIL.
Welcome, dear friends, to the Corbynocolypse.
You see, Jeremy Corbyn is the single greatest threat to mankind that has ever existed. His utter refusal to let his hand hover over the big red button, his reluctance to fuck Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi in the skull with millions of drone penises, and his un-want to write anything but a lovely birthday card to the commanders of the UK’s four Trident submarines spell only one thing: F-U-C-K-S-A-S-T-E-R.
And that Fucksaster, dear friends, has Quentin Letts, the Daily Mail’s premiere TV reporter, shitting into the pillow he normally saves for screaming into.
But don’t just take my word for it, listen to this fuck nugget with a gun for a nose:
“Quite literally if Jeremy Corbyn as prime minister enacted the policies he describes, he would have blood on his hands”.
Yes, on Sunday Jeremy Corbyn ‘languidly’ admitted in an interview with Andrew Marr that he would, where ever and whenever possible, advocate the creation of a nuclear-free world, and in the eyes of Quentin Letts, and a number of men who like to rub nuclear weapons up against their genitals in a sexual frenzy akin to that of a badger who’s blood has been replaced with liquid viagra, that stance is simply not good enough.
You see, the abolition of England’s nuclear arsenal would directly result in the good old U of K becoming the bitch crack baby of North Korea, interspersed with the country’s complete and utter dominance by the friendly chaps in the Islamic State. It’s just one small step before Blighty nationals have to take Sharia Driving Tests and are limited to using only Halal opticians. And in response to this threat, Quentin Letts spat on his cutlass, slapped an eye patch on his cat and triumphantly cried ‘THIS. SHALL. NOT. PASS!!!’ before running off into the weeds like a flatulent girl.
If anything, we need more nuclear weapons, just to show that we simply aren’t fucking around. Let’s stop pretending we’re friends with everyone and put the zen in xenophobia by strapping Corbyn to the front of a missile and bombing the fuck out of the Chinese. All it takes is one simple, strong show of force and the empire is back baby!
Bring a gun to a knife fight
All joking aside, one thing that continues to confuse me about the British establishment is our attitude towards nuclear weapons, coupled with our attitudes to carrying guns. When it comes to gun crime and the idea of making sure that all babies are given AK47s in the womb in case someone goes Columbine in the day care center we seem to be able to think on a much more rational level than our American ‘cousins’. The argument being this:
America: “Give everyone a gun! If everyone has a gun, then any would be spree shooter would be less likely to go off because they’ll be shot to fuck by all of the many good honest citizens carrying guns!”
England: “Fuck off. Twattard”.
The fallacy here is that America seems to think that if there are more guns in circulation, fewer people are going to be killed by them.
In England, we can see this for the oxymoron that it truly is, and have opted time and again not to hand out guns on the street like kids with some lemons and a bit of hope in their hearts. However, as soon as you replace the word gun with ‘nuclear missile’ everyone here goes all goey eyed and insists that the more of them we have, the fewer people will be killed by them.
Let’s get this straight. If a nuclear missile were to strike the UK tomorrow, and by some stroke of luck, before dying, one of our leaders were able to give the order to strike back, that WOULD NOT un-nuke the UK, the flowers wouldn’t all suddenly grow back, Big Ben wouldn’t stand up again on its own volition, we wouldn’t all hold hands and sing like unwashed hippies glistening after a campfire orgy soundtracked by Blind Melon, WE’D STILL ALL BE FUCKED BEYOND ALL RECOGNITION. You’ve seen Threads right? Cause that’s what it’ll be, just less 70s.
And here’s the crux, as long as they exist, we can be assured that nuclear weapons will destroy the world. The one and only way to stop that happening is to make sure there are no nuclear weapons in the world. Don’t give America more guns and hope fewer people die, take them all away and ensure nobody does.
If you’re interested in seeing the Corbyn/Marr interview in full, here it is: