The Golden Age of Celebrities


“Pop Will Eat Itself”. So said David Quantick when writing about Jamie Wednesday in the NME about the cyclical, recycled nature of pop music. I don’t know if it’s finished the meal quite yet but Pop has definitely had a good go at self-cannibalism.

“Celebrities Will Eat Themselves”. So said Meerkuts after reading the Mail Online for ages and not knowing any of the names of these people who show skin, court cameras and look confused. Well at least Celebrities would eat themselves if the latest Atkin’s or 4:3 diet allowed them a nibble of their own forearm.

Diana Chinese Lingerie Ad (SpreadIt Style - Tim Roth)
Diana Chinese Lingerie Ad (SpreadIt Style – Tim Roth)

In 2013 and so far in 2014, Celebrities just aren’t cutting the mustard (unless it’s to spread on their inner thighs during Hot Yoga, helps release toxins). Carla Delevigne strutted about looking manly. Michelle Dockery flashed a bra. Someone called Snooki hid behind a bag. This isn’t news or even gossip, this is Tim Allen riffing on Lenny Bruce. It’s the remake of ‘The Great Escape’ with Justin Bieber riding a Segway to freedom as he saves an Anne-Frank-O-Gram who didn’t bother with a diary because she was listening to ‘Believe’. There’s no spark. I long for the day when our dignitaries and celebrities knew how to court a story. When people like Lord Longford knew how to get onto the Front Page and Prime Minister’s didn’t go on Desert Island Discs to choose ‘The Smiths’ songs, they stole milk, pissed off Northerners and started wars! The Mail is indigenously British and misses the halcyon days where News of The World was still with us and George Michael was straight, just look at what celebrities are up to in 2014;

Jasmine Waltz knows how to grab your breast-attention

What does this mean? Your best attention? The attention of your breasts? I don’t even know what this story is! Is it a pun? Is it a simile? Is it a double-entendre? Also what is it with phrases like “nearly-nude” and “barely-there”? I remember when you had clothed celebrities like Oliver Postgate and naked celebrities like Princess Diana. Imagine how different the coverage of her car crash would have been with today’s phrases. Something like “nearly-miss altercation in a Paris tunnel” or “barely-there near death experience”. The People’s Princess knew how to give us a good story!

Baywatch - Peace, Love & Harmony (Flickr/Hedler)
Baywatch – Peace, Love & Harmony (Flickr/Hedler)

Kelly Brook makes fashion Faux-Pas as she goes bra-less to awards

Oi Kelly! Check your Filo-Fax girl. This is so 1996! Breasts are so passé in 2014. Just look at all the men on trial this year who have given up on breasts. Men who back in the nineties entertained our children, played us music and gave money to charity. Unfortunately Ms. Brook looks like a crazed deer stumbling around the red carpet throwing mammaries at people and her eyes are asking ‘Why? Why? Why are my tits broken?’. They’re not broken Kelly, they’re just in the wrong decade. In the 90’s Madonna adorned coffee tables with her private parts and Pamela Anderson turned up like this on family entertainment shows. Supposedly Michael Hesletine whispered to John Major in the Thatcher coup, “Don’t worry about the European Exchange Rate, ITV have got titties”.


– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ


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