MiniTrue – Saville Bait

We live in an age of pedophiles.

Pedogeddon is upon us.

Colonel Saville (Flickr / luna junkie)
Colonel Saville (Flickr / luna junkie)

Lock up your daughters…no literally lock up your daughters. I don’t mean literally in the newfangled sense that means maybe or figuratively or circumference or probably something new by the time you read this, I mean literally as in a literal manner. Don’t just tell them to stay in their room because pedos are like Sam from ‘Sabrina The Teenage Witch’, they’ll just climb in the fucking window.

You NEED to literally lock up your daughters. Why not build some kind of underground apartment? They’d be safe in there if you make sure they can’t get out, just keep telling yourself it’s for their own safety. You can’t have windows though and you better make sure it’s like Fort Knox down there, nobody in or out. Literally put your offspring under lock and key. Make sure you give them a lot of love and attention while they’re down there though, you don’t want them getting lonely or cold.  I don’t know why nobody’s had this idea before, you’d think The Mail would champion anyone with the ingenuity to do this themselves. Well here’s hoping someone out there is looking out for their kids properly because this week the Pedos are going to have a field day!

EMO ECO WARRIOR GIVES US AN ILLEGAL EYEFUL

Put 'Em Away Love (Flickr / Janine)
Put ‘Em Away Love (Flickr / Janine)

Elle Fanning, 15, has raised the eyebrows and the ire of the Mail Online by wearing a dress that doesn’t really show anything off or make her look very slutty at all. The issue, you see, is that there was something called a keyhole in her dress which was supposedly a bit risque.  It’s awful I know, but just in case you weren’t aghast at the sight of a dress there was a handy close up so you could get a really good look. Luckily the dress made her look older than her years which is a good trick to ward off baying pedos as they’d be confused by her maturity and forget to ogle her non-sexualised chest area. Let’s hope there are no foot fetish pedophiles because there were also close up images of Elle’s feet stuffed provocatively with tissue as she exited a salon, these kids are just asking for it!

The Mail have provided an even better solution to combat the dirty nonces though, they’ve provided you with all the details to get the teen tits chic look so you can go out into the street and confuse all the immigrant beasts preying on young children in your local area. Thank goodness for the Mail outwitting these predatory animals at every turn, but if in doubt remember, LOCK ‘EM UP (your daughters that is, not pedos cause they want them out so they have something to write about)!

Daily Mail Deathmatch: Shoesmith Vs. Bindel

Remember when everyone got really annoyed because cancer was stealing their pensions?

No?

I do.

I read The Daily Mail.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

Baby P.oundsign

The Mail is angry. The nation is angry. MPs are angry. The focal point of this combined rage? Former head of children’s services at Haringey Council, Baby P scapegoat extraordinaire and all round lover of warm baths: Sharon Shoesmith.

Shoesmith’s recent compensation payout for her unfair dismissal in the wake of the Baby P furor has genuinely left a sour taste of shit in everybody’s mouths. One dying MP even exclaimed: It stinks!  While Ed Balls added: It leaves a bad taste. In order to gauge public opinion, the Mail took to the streets thrusting bad fruit into the public’s face and then asking them if they thought people that killed kids were wankers.

Despite all of this aggression, the Mail is a firm believer in not hitting women. They’d rather set up a child’s paddling pool, fill it with jelly and watch two women fight till their clothes come off. So with that in mind, today they’ve wheeled out left wing writer, self proclaimed feminist and ‘all woman’ Julie Bindel to ‘punch Shoesmith so hard she swallows a tooth‘ in a celebrity showdown special that will finally, once and for all confirm that Shoesmith killed Baby P.

I was initially shocked to see the words left wing writer and feminist in the Daily Mail not being followed by ‘gregarious idiot’ or ‘prick’ and a quick Google search taught me that Bindel regularly writes for the Guardian…Needless to say I was confused. I was reeling.

However, things went ‘Littlejohn’ very quickly as after quickly establishing her left wing credentials Bindel publicly stated that she’d taught a micro pig to rip the jowls from a human women in less than 2 seconds and all she now needed was Shoesmith’s scent to get the job done. She continued by spending two paragraphs describing how she would drown Shoesmith while Chris Martin sings showtunes in the background, before rounding everything off by sharing how she’d play connect four and listen to liberal jazz on the ‘selfish infanticidal extra from Road Dahl’s ‘The Witches‘ freshly dug grave, while harvesting some organic feminine milk from the teet of a midget ferret. She signed off by saying: ‘All animals obey me, all animals are coming for you‘.

Now I’m scared of feminists. Thanks Mail.

Newsburst

You’re abusing your power MP’s tell energy giants – Apparently they’ve been rounding up the gas and giving it a jolly good kicking.

British Justice on trial – British Justice was today caught stealing cheese from Waitrose, Hugh Grant commented: ‘let’s lock this mother up!’

The web lacks any morals, say head of internet giant – his body apparently isn’t too fussed.

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Sportsweak: Sebastian Vettel’s condition is a massive blow to motorsport

In a discipline where lightening reflexes are one of the most important attributes, the tragic news has emerged this week that the new F1 world champ has lost this most basic natural talent shortly after winning his fourth title.

Vettel believes it will take him at least a decade to understand what happened to him as he crossed the finish line at Buddh International Circuit and won the championship at this weekend’s Indian Grand Prix. With other drivers being able to make split-second decisions on the track, this is clearly going to be a premature end for the once-gifted German.

"Where am I?"
“Where am I?”

Further evidence of the ten year lag in Vettel’s perception was on display at the end of the race. Receiving news from the pit that he should return for the usual post-match procedures, the Red Bull racer was clearly confused and had decided he was his 16 year-old self, mistaking the Indian tarmac for an out-of-hours Tesco car park. He set about spinning doughnuts in an effort to impress some GCSE students and emerged from the smoke clearly incensed at the idea that a mid-teen would wear something so hideously outmoded as driving gloves. Throwing said gloves into the crowd, he made his way to the podium where he commenced guzzling the celebratory Jeroboam of champagne.

"Wait until I get some neons on this bad boy..."
“Wait until I get some neons on this bad boy…”

After the obligatory drunken hugs and garbled projections of love for his team, Vettel was led out of the media spotlight and into the concerned arms of the Formula One family. Ordinarily, Eddie Jordan is kept away from the current drivers as many get too attached, but F1’s hairy Louis Walsh was on hand to get to the bottom of Seb’s confusion.  With the new champion suckling at Bernie Ecclestone’s decrepit teat (a sight from other drivers that we have become oh-too-familiar with), Eddie explained that Sebastian Vettel was now completely incapable of comprehending anything without a ten-year time lag. “He keeps going on about how he can’t believe that Concorde won’t fly again and that there’s this fabulous Russian lesbian schoolgirl pop duo he’s getting into.”

"Hands up who wants some White Lightening and not talk to girls?"
“Hands up who wants some White Lightening and to not talk to girls?”

Considering that the current dominion of the sport is still reeling in the fact that his hero, Michael Schumacher, has just won his sixth championship, it makes it impossible to see how he will even enter next year’s season.  In his head, he’s not even allowed to start learning to drive until next year.

Gary Lineker: Storm twat

Storms have ripped the UK into tiny immigrant covered smithereens!

£600,000 for killing english children!

Everybody in England is screaming, always!

Welcome to the Mail.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

When nature attacks!

I’ll say it, nature’s a bitch.

The Mail is angry today, exceedingly upset.

Except they don’t really know who to be angry at. The sky isn’t something you can satisfyingly take your rage out on. They’ve tried throwing bombs at it but they just come back down. They’ve tried stabbing rain, but it just gets the knife all wet. They’ve even tried swearing at clouds but mother nature gives nothing back. So instead the Mail has decided to start blaming everything in sight for the destruction of the UK yesterday in the vain hope that one of the accusations will stick. Broadband cables removed themselves from their tethers and mashed up some trees, Network Rail, probably in some sort of bonus fueled bender, ripped up its own tracks and threw the torrid remains at commuters while Michael Fish got into a fight with an evergreen. All of this is reported, interspersed with light hearted MET office facts about rain, pictures of the places that people died and shots of confused buses.

The Mail was angry. Angry and confused.

That was until this was tweeted:

Gary

Lineker. You vegetable selling soft faced footballing bastard.

It was here that everyone on staff at The Mail agreed on who should bear the full blame for yesterday’s carnage. So evident was their hate for the Ed Balls of football that there was almost no need for the ‘Anger at Lineker’s Tweet’ article. It’s tautology. The hate is steeped into the paper. Even when I was reading about the massive payout for the women that practically strangled Baby P with her own bare hands, Lineker came off as the bad guy.

Richard Littlejohn had this to say: He’s a furry eyed twat. I’d like to pour elephantiasis into him. 

Quentin Letts screamed into a pillow before adding: I want to mangle his little hands.

‘Send Linekunt back‘ is a nationwide campaign and will be officially launched in tomorrow’s Mail, so they aren’t calling for violence just yet. But they have hired Mel C (the dead eyed one from the Spice Girls) for the official opening and are laying on free wood for anyone who lands a punch on ‘the skinny hepatitis carrying aubergine‘.

However, the publication’s official Twitter feed stated this at midnight: I’ve had a few drinks, anyone got a pitchfork? Let’s burn ’em @GaryLineker.

Yes, The Mail’s latest hate campaign focuses on a long faced ex-footballer because nature is too abstract a concept.

HRH Dumps

It would be remiss of me if I didn’t mention some of this gash:

images

Bow-down to your goddamn king people of England! The Mail have been working themselves into such a frenzy about baby George’s christening that they practically gave themselves whooping cough. Cue images of photographers drooling over pictures of baby george drooling in some sort of partial regression that, if looked at in an artistic way, really says something about ageing and mankind and wanking.  In the corner of the scene the headline writers are in elated frenzy, tossing aside all of the ‘The French give you cancer‘ crap they normally go for and opting for simpler stuff like ‘Fucking BOW DOWN‘ or ‘Hands in the heir!‘ All is good in Mail land. News is being made.

The coverage has been ridiculous and, for someone who actively opts out of ‘giving a toss about the royals’, quite crushing. For one it’s repetitive. Secondly it’s pictures of a baby. I’ll look at one picture of a family member’s baby out of politeness, any more than that and I burn the album and tell them to ‘rack off‘. If I barely know you and you and you ask me to look at a picture of your kid I’ll stab you in the kidney and then relentlessly invite you to play Candy Crush Saga while you’re trying to heal.  This week the Daily Mail have made me look at 16 pictures of some bloody lizard baby born to wide shouldered people I don’t care about, followed up by articles called ‘why we all love a christening’ and ‘Christ, that baby’s hot’.  I am livid.

They also called it a souvenir issue,  badly made, badly opinionated, shoddily made piece of crap I held in my hands had the fucking audacity to call itself a souvenir issue. I was alive during the christening but I don’t walk around asking people to call me ‘souvenir Paul’. Wankers.

Newsburst

I fought off sex attacker…and so could you, by brave Nicola – ‘Brave’ Nicola is a gun fetishist. She smiles while waving an AK-47 ‘It’s easy’. 

We’ve ill-treated scots for 800 years, says Archbishop – And then he raised a glass to 800 more, singing ‘Fuck ’em and their shocks of red hair’ 

Briton charged with hacking US military from parents’ semi – I can’t even work this out. Do erections come with wi-fi? Do countries know coding? I guess it’s all possible…

P.S The Daily Mail of yesteryear was awesome.

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MiniTrue – Show Us Your Tits So We Can Hate Them Luv

MiniTrue – Culture You Can Swallow

BREAKING CULTURE NEWS THIS WEEK

Despite all being fame hungry, media whores it seems celebrities are playing a game of Hide & Seek with the cameras this week. These selfish women don’t seem to realise that if they’ve got a svelte figure or swimmers body they should never hold or wear anything that means we can’t get a good eyeful of their perky midriffs or chiselled tits! Why can’t they be more like Miley and bear it all? Here are the Daily Mail’s outraged findings this week!

How It Should Be - Stop Hiding Celebs! (Flickr / marsmet511)
How It Should Be – Stop Hiding Celebs! (Flickr / marsmet511)

SNOOKI (WHO?) HIDES HER NEW SVELTE FRAME BEHIND SHOPPING BAGS

KARLIE KLOSS HIDES SLENDER FRAME BEHIND BAGGY LEATHER FROCK

ISLA FISHER HIDES ATHLETIC FIGURE BENEATH OVERSIZE JUMPER AT THE GYM

MOLLY SIMS HIDES FACE BEHIND OVERSIZED SHADES AT HER SON’S SHOW

HAYDEN PANETTIERE HIDES STUNNING ENGAGEMENT RING AS SHE EXITS PLANE

SOMETHING TO HIDE? KENDRA WILKINSON WEARS LOOSE FITTING TOP!

HOPE THAT’S LANCOME! EMMA WATSON BLENDS INTO BACKGROUND

NEXT WEEK WE’LL LOOK AT THE DAILY MAIL’S THOUGHTS ON CELEBRITIES SHOWING TOO MUCH FLESH

OTHER NEWS

KANYE – “SHE’S MY PERFECT B*TCH!”

This week we’re looking at the KKK (Kanye Kim Kardashian) situation as reported by The Daily Mail, so lockdown your love, polish those diamonds and pray to Yeezus. If you didn’t know, this week Kanye ‘The 2nd Coming’ West proposed to his girlfriend Kim Kardashian. For Lizzie Smith of Mail Online this is huge news and reason for no less than 32 photos to remind us of what a grand and romantic gesture this evidently was. According to the Mail it was extravagant, too expensive, romantic, beautiful, star-studded, low-key and magical so go figure, but the real ‘Kimye’ news this week is Kim’s weight. The sex tape Queen has hit back at the media and her ex-husband for the apalling treatment she received about her weight. She was called ‘Shamu The Whale’ and the ‘Anti Atkins’ which the Mail took no time in showing us pics of and also accompanied with snaps from her ‘best’ bikini moments just so you could compare.

The most confusing moment in this whole Kimye Kanye Kaos wasn’t actually the picture of Kanye with three black KKK hoods behind him but the misleading pictures discussing their engagement. Kim Kardashian is obviously sensitive about the way she was treated by the media so it’s a bit strange to accompany the article with a picture of Kanye and director, Steve McQueen. Following a line about Kim & Kanye being long term friends with a picture of Kanye and the talented but slightly overweight film maker Steve McQueen and a caption saying “Fast Friends” was somewhat bizarre!

Fast Friends: Kanye & McQueen (Flickr / CornerHouse Manchester)
Fast Friends: Kanye & McQueen (Flickr / CornerHouse Manchester)

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

Daily Mail says: ‘F*** you internet!’

Today I remembered a time when I read books.

I also read comics back then.

Now all I read is The Daily Mail.

Everything is awful now.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

http//www.theinternetkissesballs.com

Shock news! Today David Camerameron attacked facebook with a kosh for being a hive of scum and villainy of equal landmass to Mos Eisley. In a thrilling turn of events the PM launched himself at Facebook brandishing drab knives, foaming at the mouth and screeching bloody obscenities in a vain effort to physically destroy a virtual social network.

Prime Minister Davey is upset because Facebook have refused to remove a video of a live beheading but have taken down all of the hot breast feeding vids. While he likes to see the future of Britain at the teet, he’s enraged by the fear that young ‘uns seeing these beheading videos will forcibly will their own heads off in an effort to ‘get the celebrity look’, so he’s double angry.

Facebook claim that they will remove any beheading videos being posted for sadistic pleasure, but at the same time they will not take down any videos being used to condemn or highlight the atrocity of the act. This seems like a sound tactic, until you read that the video they are refusing to remove is called: ‘ZOMG! Challenge: Can anybody watch this video?

Unperturbed by his futile attempt to smash with his fists something that is essentially just information, Camerameroon leveled up and took the fight to Twitter: ‘it’s irresponsible of Facebook to post beheading videos, especially without warning’. In reference to the missing breast feeding videos he also added: ‘They must explain their actions to worried parents.’

But he still doesn’t seem to have grasped that Facebook isn’t a real person. It doesn’t post anything. It’s a website. His confusion is understandable though, he’s a dick.

Resolute in the face of all this virtual anger, The Daily Mail hit the unlike button on Cameron and argued for harsher controls of the internet while at the same time having a good old moan about regulation of the press:

‘When a rouge newspaper group was caught hacking voicemail [David Cameron] invoked the full panoply of a judge-led inquiry to explore yet tighter controls on an industry struggling to survive…yet the unregulated internet with its sites promoting paedophilia, suicide, pornography, terrorism and every imaginable perversion, is the real threat to society’s well being in 2013’.

Arguing for and against freedom of speech all in one paragraph. Textbook Mail.

Newsburst

Guardian leaks ‘let terrorists escape’ – In another national security shit up The Guardian HQ’s dodgy plumping allowed terrorists to escape police clutches again. When some piping outside liberal HQ burst all over the scene of a high octane police chase the pursuing officer’s clothes got really wet, making it very hard for them to run fast. Subsequently the terrorists escaped.

Don’t cry Ruby, you might be the next Nigella – Charles Saatchi has announced that he was so impressed with Ruby’s performance on GBBO that he’d really like to strangle the life out of her. Marriage is optional.

British Gas sacked me in hospital bed – Today it was revealed that the boss of energy giant British Gas would always ask staff to climb into a hospital bed with him before sacking them. ‘It was the only way I could do it’, he said, ‘I can only say ‘you’re fired’ when top and tailing’. 

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Sportsweak: Cristiano Ronaldo is radiating gamma rays from the decay of titanium-44

In no way a marketing ploy from sportswear giant Nike, it has come to light that Cristiano Ronaldo shares an uncanny resemblance to the remnants of a supernova.  Every England fan’s favourite winker has been able to find a sense of personal serenity by starlit training sessions that has brought him closer to extra-terrestrial life.

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What started out as a seemingly tired sports cliche, when a commentator dubbed a free-kick as if “from another planet”, has resulted in Ronaldo’s realisation at his ability to communicate on a astronomical level with constellations far beyond that of the trappings of the modern game.  After the comment, his boot makers were quick to respond.

Cristiano was always looking to find a way of interpreting his kindred stellar passions with his work on the pitch and now, thanks to the marvel of digital printing on synthetic materials, has been able to express his personality and style of play through the medium of footwear.

Ronaldo uses his fingers as antennae to communicate with celestial beings.
Ronaldo uses his fingers as antennae to communicate with celestial beings.

Accompanied by a video that perfectly juxtaposes his sprinting ability with vintage film of a monkey on a boat, it is believed that this short video is the first in a suite that shows Ronaldo’s passing prowess alongside a giraffe in a sportscar and his magical dribbling interspersed with images of a muskrat playing table tennis.

The Portuguese superstar wipes some ectoplasm on Bale's palm for good luck.
The Portuguese superstar wipes some ectoplasm on Bale’s palm for good luck.

The “celestial body that radiates energy” (or Ronaldo to his team mates) is going to prove that aliens are crap at the beautiful game when he dons his new boots and leaves Real Madrid next summer to join Alpha Centauri Wanderers on a season-long loan.

Either that, or we’ve all been staring at those new boots for the last ten minutes.

My dad went to the UK and all I got was this malformed kidney

Hello.

Welcome back to Mail land. Welcome to Today’s Mail.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

Comin’ over here, stealin’ our health. 

Don’t you just bloody hate the NHS?

If they aren’t accidentally leaving a surgical goat inside an OAP or microwaving some guy’s kids, they’re nearly always leaving a disabled to die in a corridor or mistakenly giving a skinny person a gastric band. Yes, the NHS are shit, but you get what you pay for right?

Well. Not quite.

Y’see, the Mail have informed me today that there are hordes of sickly tourists waiting out in ‘Europe’, foaming at the beak to get into the UK and finally have that corn seen to on the NHS gravy train, all at the expense of the downtrodden old British taxpayer. The Health Tourists are coming!

I have to admit I’m glad they explained health tourism in the article as I had originally interpreted it as people going to the Isle of Wight for the weekend to witness the opening of a Fitness First.

Apparently, because we keep treating them, the health tourists keep pouring in, and the NHS are just making it easy for them. Throwing donated hearts at the nearest border, offering aftercare across Europe and paying for flights to and from the country (as long as you can prove you were ill on board) are just a few of the ways that the NHS bend over backwards for these infected outsiders. It really does seem that, as long as you’re foreign, there is such a thing as a free tracheostomy.

With this in mind, the Mail revealed a survey released today which estimates that health tourism’s ‘true cost to taxpayers is 100 times bigger than some estimates‘.

The true cost is 100 times bigger than some estimates‘. As I considered this I realised the fact that any estimate, even if that estimate is that the true cost of health tourism is 1% of the NHS budget for that period, means that all of the NHS budget for that period has immediately been spent. If this estimate is to be believed, than all of the money disappears the very moment any estimate is made.

I didn’t even want to consider the fact that the actual true cost of health tourism, if today’s survey is to be believed, is actually 100 times bigger than the estimate in today’s survey. 100 times bigger than 100 times bigger than the original 1% that I estimated.

So as soon as any estimate into the true cost of health tourism is made not only do we lose all of the NHS budget but we also owe the health tourists money? Screw it, I say we’re better off not knowing.

Kailish Chand, of the British Medical Association, said: ‘There is little evidence that health tourism is a significant burden on the NHS. THe £40 million written off by hospitals in England and Wales over the last four years is approximately 1% of the NHS budget for that period.’ 

We’re all fucked.

Newsburst

No…It can’t be them…Can it? – spoiler alert: it’s not. Yet the Mail still devote a two page spread to some royal lookalikes in a bath with a baby. Surely that space would be better used shouting at women or gays or something?

Side saddle is riding high again – I don’t know what any of this means. Apparently riding side saddle is back in fashion for women. To me this seems like a news report from Middle Earth. I’ve never meet any women that has an opinion on a horse.

Clone cure for baldness – This is brilliant, but when are they going to get around to curing baldness for humans? As far as I’m aware there’s only one clone on the planet and that’s a bloody sheep.

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MiniTrue – The Great British Bake Off Special

Uh-Huh Honey! So the big CULTURE NEWS in the US today might involve the KKK (KanyeKimKardashian) engagement but over here nothing can topple the might of the Great British Bake Off Final tonight.

So to celebrate I’ve decided to go back through the Daily Mail coverage of BBC2’s most celebrated show since Going Live! to see how right or wrong they got it.

Three, Two, One….Bake!

3, 2, 1...BAKE! (Image Courtesy Scalio / Flickr)
3, 2, 1…BAKE! (Image Courtesy Scalio / Flickr)

EPISODE 1:

VICT-GORE-IA SPONGE! FLESH FANCIES! SINEW STRUDEL!
Alasdair Glennie was horrified at the amount of accidental cuts suffered in the kitchen this year dubbing the show as having more gore than an episode of Casualty. Admittedly there were a few moments where contestents cut themselves and a blue plaster was shown on screen but it was hardly The Human Croquembouche. Surprisingly, it wasn’t just the splatter, our intrepid Mail reporter was even more upset that viewers were happy to see the blood, sweat and tears of #GBBO back on their screens. A man left.

EPISODE 2:

RUDDY HELL, IT’S SOFT MEL!

This week, Laura Cox didn’t discuss the show’s contestants at all but chose to focus on the fact that Mel Giedroyc, a Lithuanian immigrant no less, puts on weight if she eats cake. I’m not sure if it’s a quote from Mel but according to this piece she puts on weight by “gorging on cakes, bread and quiche”. None of this would be remiss if it weren’t for the fact that adorning the article highlighting the cheery Mel’s weight there is a huge advert for how to make a Jam Roly Poly. Subtlety is not doesn’t even come close! A woman left and Mary Berry has Bingo Wings!

Mail Reports Mary Berry Has Bingo Wings (Flickr / Vicious Bits)
Mail Reports Mary Berry Has Bingo Wings (Flickr / Vicious Bits)

EPISODE 3:

TITS LIKE A CURDLED BLANCMANGE!

Week three and coverage from Jim Shelley started us down the road of no return to baking euphemisms which all seem to involve the female contestants. This week we were treated to his ability to derive some kind of innuendo into anything. Beca’s surprisingly ‘tiny macaroons’ and the ‘beautiful shine on her ganache’ as well as Mark’s ‘weeping meringues’. However the star line from this week’s coverage is when Kimberley mentioned she’d not made Crème Anglais before but knew what it should look like, which Mr. Shelley believes most girls should apply to more than just cooking. A man and a woman left this week and Paul Hollywood wants to give it to Ruby, Star Baker that is!

EPISODE 4:

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS WEEK WAS ABOUT!

A man left this week. Also Christopher Stevens got confused whilst writing about the programme and explained that if #GBBO was a sitcom it would be available on Iplayer a week earlier and so we wouldn’t have to wait for the next episode. I got confused and had to lie down.

EPISODE 5:

RUBY NEEDS A MAN TO HELP UNCLOG HER SULLEN PIPES!

Daleks are Metrosexual. That’s right according to Jim Shelley, the Dalek cake cooked on this weeks show was “original and, um, metrosexual”. I don’t know how and neither does Jim but it’s exciting news for all those who like Fantasy, Dominatrix, Metrosexual fan fiction, Ex-Sperm-Inate indeed. A man left this week which was upsetting for Ruby who when trying to make a piping bag fluttered her eyelashes to try getting a man to do it.

Daleks Are MetroSexual According to Jim Shelley (FLickr/Jonoakely)
Daleks Are MetroSexual According to Jim Shelley (FLickr/Jonoakely)

EPISODE 6:

PAUL HOLLYWOOD EXPOSES RUBY (aka HITLER) FILLINGS!

Jim Shelley is back again this week highlighting more double entendres (Sticky Buns, Exposed Fillings and more) and likening philosophy student, Ruby Tandoh, to a slutty war criminal in the proceedings. That’s right he likens her to Mata Hari, an exotic dancer who was convicted as a German spy and executed for war crimes killing more than 50,000 men. Basically he called her BITCHLER! A man left, he wasn’t responsible for war crimes but he used hemp in a tea loaf so was probably a leftie!

EPISODE 7:

GREAT BRITISH BLOKE OFF!

Controversy abounds this week as Glenn is voted off leaving an entirely hormonal, x chromosome cast of contestants. Mail Online writer, Alisdair Glennie, is aghast at the blatant sexism apparent in the favouritism towards women on the show despite two out of three past winners being male and an abysmal baking week for Glenn. He is backed up by celebrity chef Nigel Slater who tweeted he was sad to see Glenn go which supposedly amounts to complaining about the rampant sexism on the show. A man left this week, as if you didn’t fucking know everyone’s complaining about it!

Sexist Show as No Men Left For Week 8 (Flickr / krawallmaedchen)
Sexist Show as No Men Left For Week 8 (Flickr / krawallmaedchen)

EPISODE 8:

HAVE YOUR SPOTTED DICK AND EAT IT CHRISTINE!

This week was all ‘Carry on Baking’ which you can read all about here;

MiniTrue – Culture You Can Swallow

A woman left cause there’s no men left!

EPISODE 9:

PRINCESS DIANA TURNED US INTO A NATION OF PUSSIES!

No, I’m not lying. Quentin Letts of Mail Online managed to shoe-horn Princess Diana into a piece about #GBBO. In this week’s Semi-Final choux-down, Kimberley (the quiet one), Frances (she of little substance), Ruby (the holocaust harlot) & Beca (the one who’s too welsh) were just too plain emotional. According to Letts, we should remember what it means to be British and keep a stiff upper lip, not cry about every little emotion. Wellington, Kipling & Windsor all knew how to act in the face of war, suffering and death, with grace and no discernible care for others. Then after the Labour 90’s we’ve all become like Diana Princess of Wales, emotional wankers who cry about nothing and hate Welsh people! Thanks Great British Bake Off for bringing this to our attention. A woman left this week because she was too Welsh.

Princess Diana - The Cause Of All Our Tears? (Flickr / Thragor)
Princess Diana – The Cause Of All Our Tears? (Flickr / Thragor)

EPISODE 10:

TEARS, TITS AND TWITTER TANTRUMS FOR TASTY FINAL TRIO!

It’s all to play for tonight with three surprisingly strong contestants despite having their strengths (Ruby = Her Looks, Kimberley = Determination & Frances = Style) and their weaknesses (Ruby = Her Lifestyle, Kimberley = Over Determination & Frances = Can’t cook without Ikea bags full of equipment) dissected by DAILY MAIL REPORTER online.

Let’s hope this final has as much drama, war, genocide, blood and Princess Diana as the rest of the series, altogether now… BAKE!

The Summertime Double Elderly Special

I’m slightly behind at the moment, but fact is as I’m doing this for a year it’s gonna happen every so often.

Let’s take a trip back in time to yesterday’s Mail!

As yesterday is behind us we can take this time to look back and reflect. To think about how simple we were back then, to look at our mistakes and think about how far we’ve come.

There’s no way that today we’d abuse suffering animals just for fun, would we?

We wouldn’t taunt them at their most vulnerable, smashing their sad little emotions against the rocks and making them feel like furry malformed idiots, we’re above all that aren’t we?

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Take a long look at that Panda. She looks sad doesn’t she? Know why?

She’s just had a miscarriage.

Yeah. ‘Never mind sweetie, better luck next time‘.

Thank god we’re beyond that sort of thing now.

Bad Elderly (Mega Peado)

In big news: Jimmy Saville was never caught! Yesterday the Mail was flabbergasted to learn that during a police interview two years before his death The U of K’s greatest kid fiddler wasn’t discovered and arrested. But then again, it’s not surprising. The interview was conducted by women.

Stephen Wright of the Daily Mail said: ‘This is a massive blunder by the boys in blue. How can you send women to do an interview like this? it’s a miracle Saville didn’t abuse them’.  Transcripts of the interview released yesterday seem to have proven to the Mail that the Police investigation into Jimmy Saville was ineffectual, that he was treated with kid gloves.

And everyone knows that kid gloves are the worst gloves you can give to an accused peadophile.

Despite this, the Mail is backing plans to reanimate his corpse for the summer period once every three years. Saville’s demented meat sack will be allowed to roam Britian in a teenager cull that everyone hopes will really give them something to be afraid of. In an interview yesterday Boris Johnson stated ‘this should keep the little shits in order. Let’s see them riot with Jimmy bearing down on them with a fifteen inch hard on. Did I say hard on? Sorry I meant hard on‘.

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Good Elderly (Pensioners who keep their hands to themselves)

I’ve said it before, I’ll say again: The Daily Mail fucking loves the elderly.

But what they seem to love even more, is congratulating themselves on what a great job they are doing in helping the elderly not get stabbed to death by ‘bloody labour’ like Ed Milliband wants. As the government rethinks recent ideas about limiting loans to elderly people to those with less than £23,000 in the bank, the Daily Mail literally choked due to patting itself on the back really fucking hard. It even went so far as to print a column called ‘Praise for The Mail’s campaign’. I just wish someone would toss The Mail off so he could shut the fuck up.

Lord Lipsey had the final say on the matter with his commendation of The Mail’s Dignity for the Elderly campaign: ‘If poor elderly people get government help to be looked after before they die, then rich elderly people should bloody get some too. After all, I have no intention of being poor when I’m old. I’m not an idiot. Thanks to The Mail this won’t happen. The government can just shit off‘.

Then he strangled a fox with his bare hands.

Newsburst

Now three in five doctors aged under 30 are women – All of them would be better off knitting.

PC stole £23k from widow, 94 – The recent Packard Bell recall has not gone well. There are still a number of Easynote laptops in rural England that have ‘cyber arms’ and like a bit of stealing. Watch out. 

Labour’s new spokesman for women and a topless shoot at 15 – Neither of these things were related. But the headline had women in it so I guess they felt obliged to show breasts. 

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