Sportsweak: Human Bile

Following on from Ronaldo’s shock win at the Ballon d’Or last night, where the Portuguese former-Manchester United superstar broke down in tears, the Daily Mail ran a retrospective piece on the most memorable blubbing from the beautiful game.

Not to be outdone, Sportsweak thinks they’ve missed a trick.  We all remember Gazza’s sob-fest at Italia ’90, Butcher’s world-cup exit in ’86 or when Beckham cried tears of actual blood into Victoria’s skeletal lap because Fergie gave him his one and only taste of the infamous “hairdryer treatment”.

But tears are one thing.  We all have tears.  And we all have pus.  And poo.  And sick.  Some of us have really odd sick.  Let’s take a look at our countdown of the finest moments of passing bodily fluids in sport over the years.

1. To kick us off, if we didn’t already have her down as a national treasure we certainly did when Ms. Radcliffe decided to make a very public faux-poo by venting her frustration at London’s parking regulations.  The painted red line was quoted later as saying “I don’t know why she wanted to take it out on me, I can’t help it if I serve the same function as a yellow line.  That’s discrimination, that is.”

"Take THAT, loading restrictions!"
“Take THAT, loading restrictions!”

2. Then of course it’s our immigrant friend who, in more of a supportive role to the industry with her job at the Sports Direct Warehouse, decided to add to the rise in the immigrant population by dropping a sprog right in the toilets.  Human sack-of-spuds Mike Ashley (famous for referring to Yohan Cabaye as “Yohan Kebab”) later claimed “What seemed to be a pretty horrendous situation has turned out alright, because the little fella was blinding in trials at St. James’ last week.”  He is reported to have signed for the Magpies for a paltry £15,000,000.

Mike Ashley celebrates the signing of his new star striker
Mike Ashley celebrates the signing of his new star striker

3. Tennis legend Pete Sampras showed his disdain for Alex Corretja when he threw his lunch up all over the fault line.  After his epic fifth-set tie-breaker win at the 1996 US Open, it was said that to recover from dehydration he needed two litres of Robinson’s Whole Orange Squash delivered intravenously.

Who knew anyone cared this much about Tennis?
Who knew anyone cared this much about Tennis?

4. Who can forget star of Space Jam, Michael Jordan’s epic “Flu Game” from the 1997 NBA Finals?  After he helped launch R Kelly into the stratosphere and inadvertently paved the way for future sex offenders to continue to produce hit records (even after conviction), Jordan clearly wanted to prove that he still had it on the court, regardless of whether some virus was going to knock him out.  It’s said that the following year he played a game with a bout of gastroenteritis and in ’98 he intentionally contracted excema so that defenders would be left holding flaked skin when they tried to block his legendary shots.

"Jesus, you're like some kind of human snake.  Am I going to catch this?"
“Jesus, you’re like some kind of human snake. Am I going to catch this?”

5. Paul Scholes may not have been passing fluid, but it is an excuse to share one of the enduring images of my childhood and show his funny little willy one more time (plus an excuse to use the term “funny little willy” in pseudo-print).


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