Sit now in a place where everyone’s in love with the Honey Monster.

Be inside a thing that breastfeeds second-hand wine to a million babies.

Run now to the world in which everybody points at each other’s genitalia and says “Oooh that’s different“.

Enter The Mail…


In a shockingly bold move that could finally render gender differences obsolete, The Mail ask: “If different coloured people can now use the same bathrooms, why can’t men and women?”

Nah, I’m just fucking with you. The Mail loves segregation. The Mail loves segregation so much so that staff are made to wash their right hands in different sinks to their left hands. The Mail loves segregation so much that a good wall gets it aroused. The Mail loves segregation so much…yeah, you get it.

But seriously, the Mail loves segregation so much that on Thursday,the paper had been split into two separate and completely distinct parts. Two parts that had no real bearing on or relationship to each other, I couldn’t help thinking it was like one part was from Mars, while the other was from Venus…

Yes, on Thursday The Mail came with its own fully formed pieces of genitalia. Two of them.

FEMAIL Magazine: Papery genitalia

In including the vaginal news shape of FEMAIL magazine The Daily Mail has signified two things:

  1. That everything outside of FEMAIL magazine is Man News, and should not be read by the soft emotional eyes of a women.
  2. That the Daily Mail has both a penis and a vagina, The Daily Mail is a massive hermaphrodite.

Let’s double fist some news.

Male Mail – News with balls

Standing erect throughout the entirety of the paper like a penis shaped monolith from 2001, is Man News. Man News features gun carriers, boob holders, quiff mongers and cock pinchers. All of these people do things, all of these things are news worthy.


Alexander Blackman is a gun carrier. He’s also the only British Serviceman to be have been jailed for murder on the battlefield due to his shooting of a wounded, unarmed Taliban insurgent, a direct consequence of him being one of those people who carry a gun all around the place. The Mail don’t mind that he definitely killed some people, The Mail want him free and have launched a massive campaign to protest for his freedom, presumably so he can shoot up a mosque or something.

Maybe it’s because I’ve been away from it for so long, but this really feels like the Daily Mail has snapped. Like the Daily Mail is the kind of person you’d find wandering around a park shitting into a plastic bag muttering about “west eyed cats”. The latest evidence in the case, the evidence that The Mail believe should absolutely get this man finally successfully freed isn’t ‘that he didn’t do it’, because everyone knows he definitely, definitely did. No, the Mail are trying to get Alexander Blackman freed because he was angry when he shot an unarmed man in the head, he was angry and there was nobody else around to tell him that shooting unarmed people isn’t a good thing – this is the entirety of The Mail’s reasoning, it’s actually pretty scary.

In reality I can only see two reasons The Mail believes that Alexander Blackman should be free, 1. Alexander Blackman is white, 2. the person he shot was brown.

Prince Furry

Prince Harry, the lizard man who would be king – but only if he isn’t killed and eaten in the fighting pits by his mega nephew George, has hair on his face. This is news. Harry both carries guns and penises quite regularly, so this qualifies as mega news. Headline News.

The one thing no one noticed amid all of this fucking gushing (Quentin? Lets! was heard crying: “The moustache, its amazing, like wanking onto the cover of a Mozart CD”) is that the Daily Mail accidentally posted an image of the Honey Monster on its front page to illustrate the Prince’s new hair.


FEMAIL – The quimy bit

Dribbling down your legs like an overactive period, FEMAIL comes but once a week. This, the blissful injection of hormone replacements in the form of paper floats over your soul like the smell of your nan’s potpourri, casually dumping a wet kiss on the cheek of any lost children in the vicinity.

FEMAIL endeavours to cover all the topics that women find interesting, like dogs on the internet, kissing and smells. What follows are seven pages made up of articles about stuff that old men think women like next to pictures of the women who wrote it, as if to prove this dross actually came from a place with a vagina. It’s like the reverse of ‘What Women Want’, that classic Mel Gibson joint, but instead of men hearing women’s thoughts, men get to hear what women would think if all of them had the brain of Mel Gibson – FEMAIL is the psychological equivalent of an Escher painting, but it’s Sarah Vine morphing into Richard Littlejohn rather than lots of stairs. Let’s take a look at the content shall we?

The big story for FEMAIL this week is ‘What time’s your wine O’clock?’ because naturally women are just a bunch of drunk harlots who only stop chugging on a wine bottle to shit out a kid or two. The article itself features the real life confessions of vicious, slurring mothers that can’t survive a 20 minute period without injecting Smirnoff straight into their ageing middle class veins before flouncing around their house screaming until someone puts Googlebox on. Women who hide Super T in nappy packaging and disguise their bottle of prosseco as their new-born child. Here are a couple of  choice quotes from these ‘real life’ functioning alcoholics.

“The second I’m back from the school run at 4pm, I start to think about that first stiff drink”

“You can always tell what time it is in my house by the drink in my hand”

“I would really like to have a drink at lunch time, but if I do it’s the end of work for the day”

“My heart is longing for a drink, but my head says ‘resist, resist'”.

The most juvenile part of my brain can’t resist reading the article while replacing the word drink with the word cock.

Here’s some of the other FEMAIL headlines this week:

·         Harry the hairy hunk

·         What’s your style tribe?

·         High flyers who are far happier being stay at home mums

·         The Troubling truth about tampons

·         What sort of madwomen spends hours taking pics of her food? Me!

·         Rubber globes that do MUCH more than the washing up!

The scary part about all of this is I didn’t make a single one of those headlines up.


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