HAVE YOURSELF A VERY MAILY CHRISTMAS

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Christmas is a time of death.

“Look long at your Christmas tree, it may be the last one that you see

Thank God for your family, cause someday they’ll be dead”

Trey Parker, Dead Dead Dead

2013 has been a year of death. Maggie, Madiba, Ronnie Biggs & Lou Reed have all pushed up the daisies this year but the Mail haven’t had their hands in any of them. Well maybe a little bit with Mandela but let’s not talk about that!

Christmas is a Time of Death (Flickr / gwdesq)
Christmas is a Time of Death (Flickr / gwdesq)

Christmas is also a time of giving and nobody can accuse Our Mail of being a scrooge. Not even Ed Miliband and his dead, socialist Dad can accuse Our Mail of being a grinch. They’re a very giving bunch. Not even that pouting tart Ruby Tandoh from Great British Bake Off can accuse Our Mail of being a Humbug. They’re all about presents. Not even Immigrants and Terrorists with their job-grabbing hands and their benefit-soaked lifestyles can accuse Our Mail of being unseasonal. They’re all about forgiveness.

A Very Maily Christmas (Flickr/ tomylees)
A Very Maily Christmas (Flickr/ tomylees)

2013 has been a good year for Moral Outrage for Our Mail, some of it from the paper itself and some directed at it. Whether it was Moral Outrage at Muslims beheading soldiers in the street or even worse Jack Whitehall taking jibes at our beloved Queen Liz, The Mail fought the evil lefties. Whether it was the world attacking Our Mail for exposing David & Ed’s Dad as a pipe smoking commie or jumped up satirists trying to make fun of Mail Online with their weak attacks on Mail News, Sports & Showbiz, The Mail stood its ground.

So this Christmas here’s an idea for a Daily Mail special present.

Some avid readers might remember earlier this year, Richard LittleJohn used his gilded perch to heap scorn and derision on a Transgender teacher, Lucy Meadows. Thanks to Dick’s article this young lady man thing was driven to commit suicide, which means there’s one less midget loving freak who’ll be using the pointless transgender toilets at Sussex University. So this Christmas how about giving you a chance to vote for a newsworthy target who Rich LittleJohn, Baz Bambigoye and all the other writers can attack and hopefully force another left-wing, eco-friendly, homo-loving, feminist to top themselves.

Use the voting buttons below and have a very Maily Christmas!

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Quick, someone throw a brick. It’s only the bloody Chinese.

Hello world

Welcome me back with open arms. Wide arms.

I think a cuddle might be just the thing to make me feel less stabby.

Hands up who volunteers to cuddle the guy with a copy of the Daily Mail in one hand and a knife in the other?

Daily_Mail_16_12_2013

Step back China, you’re standing on my dick.

Who here remembers the Chinese? I have to admit that I’m the kind of person that always forgets they exist until someone hands me a plastic car or an alkaline battery, then it all comes flooding back.

Unlike me The Daily Mail remembers the Chinese, they remember the chinese like a bitch. I mean, how could they forget them? they pull a face like a cat getting ‘its pump on’ just thinking about those little meat faces, tonal based language sets and all the politeness. Yes, Chinese people are both foreign and communist and, to The Mail, that’s akin to accidentally having a sexual relationship with someone who works at Eddie Stobart.

Hot allegations made today claim that the UK are wasting money by giving millions of pounds to China in aid that they don’t need. The Chinese, for their part, just laugh and carry on swimming around in a giant vat of pounds like an ethnic Scrooge McDuck,  while we stupidly throw money at them like it’s someone we hate with a disease that we’re scared to touch.

While giving money to foreigners alone is normally enough to start a metaphorical teenage hormonal fire in the belly of The Daily Mail, these fresh stats have then thrown a metaphorical can of gas on said fire by showing it a metaphorical One Direction video causing the teenage aspect of the aforementioned fire to build into a frenzy and start smashing the metaphorical place up. Metaphorical people died while the building burned down, while cats and kids made of metaphor were badly hurt. But who cares about them? they aren’t real.

The Chinese just aren’t third world-y enough to deserve our money. When was the last time a Chinese person died of dysentery? Did George Michael ever make a charity single for Beijing? Fuck No!  These people don’t need our aid, they make batteries. China is a superpower, the Chinese people are surrounded by Ipods, they make the goddamn things. Have you ever seen a charity advert where the little starving kid is rocking some Limp Bizkit on his Beats headphones? No. There’s a reason for that.

Littlejohn had this to say: It’s the geographical equivalent of one of those buskers you see with £16,000 guitars. I’m not giving those Chinese twits any money until they sell that Fender Strat they’ve been hiding under that sleeping bag. It should be written in law that if you have Itunes in your country then you can’t be on the aid list. Screw ’em, just wait for a Tsunami.

Just days before The Daily Mail ask ‘Why are we giving money to the Chinese?’ it was revealed that, in a massive display of wealth, the Chinese government have just landed a rocket on the moon. The Mail can today reveal the contents of said rocket: Pound coins. In a massive fuck you to Old Blighty, the Chinese government have been storing the 27m pound coins donated by the UK taxpayers in aid money over the last year and have just blasted them to the moon in a shitting rocket. Apparently they were aiming for the sun.

A government official was quoted in saying: Fuck you whitey!

mail

SHUT UP PROLETARIATS! YOUR MAIL KNOWS BEST

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

You think you’re so fucking smart, right? oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo       You think if you wear an item of clothing you know what it says about you, right?                                                                             You think if you meet with an ex-lover or an old friend you know the feelings in your own heart?                                             You think you have any idea what goes on inside that silly little head of yours? Well you don’t.

Have no fear, for Mail Mother is here for you. Mail Mother will spit on your cheek and rub off the chocolate stains.  Mail Mother will tell you who to love and what your friends really think about you.

MAIL MOTHER KNOWS BEST. Sleep well children.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Mail Mother Discipline Up In Here (Flickr / antefixus21)
Mail Mother Discipline Up In Here (Flickr / antefixus21)

So this week, MiniTrue’s ‘Mail Mother’ has cast her beady eye across Showbiz and told her brainless brood exactly what to think. Listen up celebrities, we’re watching you!

DIDN’T YOU SPLIT UP? JAMES NESBITT & ‘ESTRANGED’ WIFE SPOTTED AT HOBBIT PREMIERE

James Nesbitt, he of Cold Feet, The Hobbit and the one about deep sea mining just doesn’t know when to give up! He is also incapable of understanding the inner workings of his heart and the relationship he has with the mother of his two children. What kind of DumbleDick goes to a film premiere with a women he no longer gets blowjobs from? The two children they share and years of friendship are not a good enough reason. You spilt up Jimmy! Mail Mother says you should go stag & she’ll give you a toothless good time.

ALEXANDRA HOLLYWOOD HAS ABSOLUTELY, UNDENIABLY & WITHOUT A DOUBT GOT BACK WITH PAUL ‘SLEAZEBAG BUT SEXY’ HOLLYWOOD

The last year of infidelity, public breakups and Paul Hollywood’s leering behaviour on Great British Bake Off (See Our Delicious MiniTrue Coverage of GBBO here) means nothing. All that matters is a lady, who used to be married to a man, went for dinner, gave the man a hug and has a ring on. He’s a silver-haired fox who can make butter melt and then bake a scone with it, of course he’s winning her back and she’s falling for it. Ready, Set, BAKE! Mail Mother knows he won’t leave Alex with a soggy bottom!

GARNER’S NOT AFRAID OF CARBS OR LOVING HER CHILDREN

Jennifer Garner, who I imagine is an actress or model or singer, may well be in love with carbs. Ms. Garner may well have a sexual relationship with carbs. There’s even a remote possibility that she entices her offspring into eating the dreaded carbs. One thing we do know about Jennifer Garner is, she’s not afraid of carbs. It’s unlikely that the picture Mail Online snapped of her solemnly carrying her children and clutching a carb filled baguette is evidence of her facing her fears. This woman just isn’t afraid of them! Mail Mother knows a blinkered, fearless fool when she sees one. Be afraid Garner, be very afraid.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

All The Girls Love Mr. Hollywood (Flickr / Natman)
All The Girls Love Mr. Hollywood (Flickr / Natman)

SWALLOW THIS YOU CULTURE JUNKIES

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Ian Watkins - Sex Offendor (Flickr / sam_stott)
Ian Watkins – Sex Offender (Flickr / sam_stott)

Punnilingus (n): 

  • To arouse or entertain an ignorant party using coy wordplay or meaningless play-on-word references.

People are stupid. People need news. This is our motto over here at Mail HQ. People need news that they can stomach because the world can be  a cruel, unrelenting place.

PAEDO-HORROR: NU-METAL LEAD SINGER CHARGED WITH 13 SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES INCLUDING 2 FOR RAPING A BABY

Imagine reading that. Imagine reading that Ian Watkins had raped a baby in those cold harsh terms. Imagine having to take in news in such a clear, unbiased and direct manner. Imagine having to face up to the reality of news with no buffer. It just doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

ENFANT TERRIBLE: EVIL SHINOBI VS. CUTE DRAGON NINJA RESULTS IN PEACHES GELDOF TWEET FAIL

Now wasn’t that easier to stomach? Wasn’t that a nicer way to read that someone had sexually assaulted a 12 month old child? Doesn’t the world feel a better and safer place to live now? The government will sort out all the evil people, the army will sort out the non-English people and The X-Factor will stop the polar ice-caps melting. The Daily Mail is the new Buddhism.

Here are some of the easier to stomach, completely true play-on-word headlines from the world of Showbiz this week;

THE ONLY WAY IS BUSH-EX?

Is this a political attack on the Obama Administration? Is Mail Online showing its political colours by harking back to the days of 9/11 and the War on Terror? No, someone called Chloe from The Only Way is Essex fell into a bush.

FEELING AUS-SOME!

Hugh Jackman has cancer. A lot of people have cancer. Do we need information about cancer awareness? Do we need statistics about preventive, medicinal measures? No, we need to make a pun about his country of origin of course!

PROJECT RUN-AWAY! HEIDI KLUM SHOWS NO FEAR

It took me ages to get this one. I was trying to work out if it was to do with Boris Johnson, his IQ test and plans for a fifth London Airport or maybe to do with jet engine emissions. It’s not. She’s a model. Runway model. She held a tarantula. Arachnophobia. It just writes itself this stuff doesn’t it?

HAIR ‘MARE: KATE GARRAWAY SUFFERS FROM FLAT LOCKS

Slightly simpler train of thought this one, she had a “hair nightmare”. What’s more important is that this unkempt presenter turned up to work carrying her belongings in a blue plastic bag! This news headline should have read; ‘THIS WHORE-NING’! What kind of unbelievable shit carries stuff around in a blue plastic bag? I can’t tell you how mad this ITV shitbag made me. If the article hadn’t been preceded by the pun-tastic headline, I think I would have killed someone.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

Tearable Puns (Flickr / Ben+Sam)
Tearable Puns (Flickr / Ben+Sam)