Sportsweak: High Wages Justified by Spurious Tasks

The Daily Mail continues to break new journalistic ground by showing us the human side to our beloved sporting heroes.

Sportsweak is often shocked by the fact that sportspeople are from the same genus as you and I.  The word “people” being in there is a good indicator, but thank goodness Sportsmail is on hand to remind us that they partake in the sort of activities that us simple plebs take for granted.

In a snapshot of just one day, here’s some revelations that are on the front page of the sports section.  Perhaps their ability to multitask being all-round super-duper sportsfolk and an inspiration to us all with the sort of panic-inducing endeavours such as shopping in a supermarket, looking at a smiling child or remembering how to tie a double knot justifies their surprising salaries.

I know I couldn’t score the winning goal during my team’s shock cup success while wondering whether I had enough garlic cloves.  We are too quick to judge.

So here they are (well, footballers – other games aren’t real sport).  Fall at their feet for they are Gods:

Ronaldo buys Normal Food.

“[Ronaldo's shopping] include[s] pineapple, cucumbers, salad, bananas, tomatoes, semi-skimmed milk and some lean mince.”
“[Ronaldo’s shopping] include[s] pineapple, cucumbers, salad, bananas, tomatoes, semi-skimmed milk and some lean mince.”
This was a double shock to Sportsweak.  I was under the impression that footballers lived off discarded shin pads and the crushed dreams of pushy parents.

Per Mertesacker able to Coordinate Steps. 

“Known as a shy retiring type, the Arsenal defender did his best to cover up on Monday afternoon as he ran errands in north London with his wife Ulrike Stange.”
“Known as a shy retiring type, the Arsenal defender did his best to cover up on Monday afternoon as he ran errands in north London with his wife Ulrike Stange.”

It’s intriguing to read that the German international footballer’s wife, Ulrike Stange, is a German international handballer.  Apparently their first-born is a German international faceballer and Mertesacker’s convicted sex-pest Father is a German international testeballer.

M’Baye Niang doesn’t have a Car Crash and is not in Police Custody.

“A report in French newspaper Le Parisien claims that the player was not driving the vehicle at the time and was not in police custody as a result of the crash.”
“A report in French newspaper Le Parisien claims that the player was not driving the vehicle at the time and was not in police custody as a result of the crash.”

It also goes on to tell us how the Ferrari was painted in the colour of Niang’s parent club AC Milan.  That’s more like the behaviour of the footballers we’ve come to know and envy, because I hear it’s very difficult to get hold of a Ferrari in that colour.  Show-off.

Manchester City Players get their Cars Cleaned.

“Alvaro Negredo takes a short walk to his car which has been prepared for the in-form striker.”
“Alvaro Negredo takes a short walk to his car which has been prepared for the in-form striker.”

Mertesacker could only perform the walking action, whereas Alvaro has obviously become drunk on his own abilities and is using his new found swagger to goad his fellow title-chasers.  I have it on good authority than when he tried to start his car he had overdone his thinking for the day by having his car cleaned and walking.  Instead of performing a simple three-point turn, he forcefully pressed his face into the passenger seat head rest and urinated over the onboard sat-nav.

Fellaini hurts himself and can’t play.  Recovers.  Plays.

“The 26-year-old is nearing a first-team return, and Belgium's physio Lieven Maesschalck said: 'Marouane is desperate to get back on the pitch.’”
“The 26-year-old is nearing a first-team return, and Belgium’s physio Lieven Maesschalck said: ‘Marouane is desperate to get back on the pitch.’”




Sportsweak: Human Bile

Following on from Ronaldo’s shock win at the Ballon d’Or last night, where the Portuguese former-Manchester United superstar broke down in tears, the Daily Mail ran a retrospective piece on the most memorable blubbing from the beautiful game.

Not to be outdone, Sportsweak thinks they’ve missed a trick.  We all remember Gazza’s sob-fest at Italia ’90, Butcher’s world-cup exit in ’86 or when Beckham cried tears of actual blood into Victoria’s skeletal lap because Fergie gave him his one and only taste of the infamous “hairdryer treatment”.

But tears are one thing.  We all have tears.  And we all have pus.  And poo.  And sick.  Some of us have really odd sick.  Let’s take a look at our countdown of the finest moments of passing bodily fluids in sport over the years.

1. To kick us off, if we didn’t already have her down as a national treasure we certainly did when Ms. Radcliffe decided to make a very public faux-poo by venting her frustration at London’s parking regulations.  The painted red line was quoted later as saying “I don’t know why she wanted to take it out on me, I can’t help it if I serve the same function as a yellow line.  That’s discrimination, that is.”

"Take THAT, loading restrictions!"
“Take THAT, loading restrictions!”

2. Then of course it’s our immigrant friend who, in more of a supportive role to the industry with her job at the Sports Direct Warehouse, decided to add to the rise in the immigrant population by dropping a sprog right in the toilets.  Human sack-of-spuds Mike Ashley (famous for referring to Yohan Cabaye as “Yohan Kebab”) later claimed “What seemed to be a pretty horrendous situation has turned out alright, because the little fella was blinding in trials at St. James’ last week.”  He is reported to have signed for the Magpies for a paltry £15,000,000.

Mike Ashley celebrates the signing of his new star striker
Mike Ashley celebrates the signing of his new star striker

3. Tennis legend Pete Sampras showed his disdain for Alex Corretja when he threw his lunch up all over the fault line.  After his epic fifth-set tie-breaker win at the 1996 US Open, it was said that to recover from dehydration he needed two litres of Robinson’s Whole Orange Squash delivered intravenously.

Who knew anyone cared this much about Tennis?
Who knew anyone cared this much about Tennis?

4. Who can forget star of Space Jam, Michael Jordan’s epic “Flu Game” from the 1997 NBA Finals?  After he helped launch R Kelly into the stratosphere and inadvertently paved the way for future sex offenders to continue to produce hit records (even after conviction), Jordan clearly wanted to prove that he still had it on the court, regardless of whether some virus was going to knock him out.  It’s said that the following year he played a game with a bout of gastroenteritis and in ’98 he intentionally contracted excema so that defenders would be left holding flaked skin when they tried to block his legendary shots.

"Jesus, you're like some kind of human snake.  Am I going to catch this?"
“Jesus, you’re like some kind of human snake. Am I going to catch this?”

5. Paul Scholes may not have been passing fluid, but it is an excuse to share one of the enduring images of my childhood and show his funny little willy one more time (plus an excuse to use the term “funny little willy” in pseudo-print).



A tribunal yesterday prosecuting on behalf of a veteran broadcaster has found that his behaviour away from his main place of work was deemed suitably unacceptable to make him unemployable in his field of expertise.

A case was mounted to suggest that his antics were a “pantomime character” that bore no reflection on his professional persona and that he was a presenter of quality and integrity.  Arguing that he had been wrongly pigeonholed by the public, his endeavours were said to be actively encouraged by the media execs that surrounded him.

Jimmy Savile-1358742

The television stalwart, famous for his outlandish dress-sense, wild hair and gold jewellery was under investigation following revelations about the goings-on behind closed doors at two of the biggest production companies in the UK and was attempting to prosecute said organisations for discrimination.  Both denied any wrong-doing.  It has been stated by the prosecution that this is a “massive setback” for anyone in a similar position.

“After such a landmark judicial verdict, [the] failed legal action ensures that anonymous suits and skirts, who control the media, numerous other businesses and the public sector, will now enjoy complete freedom to [continue to encourage this sort of behaviour unchallenged].”

During the hearing it was claimed sexist and rude behaviour were a ‘pantomime’ role that had been actively encouraged by Channel 4.  But the panel was told by witnesses from the station and IMG that he was ‘offensive’ and ‘disgusting’.


In closing submissions Thomas Linden QC, counsel for Channel 4, said the claimant had suggested it was possible he could switch from one ‘thoroughly obnoxious’ persona to another, more serious one. But he said it was not the case that bosses could say: ‘Please wear a grey suit, please don’t go for this extravagant manner and please don’t portray yourself as slightly mad because it’s impinging on your work”, and he would have complied.

“As a matter of reality it simply isn’t the case,” Mr Linden said.

“We see time and time again the possibility of the claimant being a serious character and failing woefully,” he added, giving an example of a Sunday Times interview where he had “gone on” about Kate Winslet’s [daughter’s] breasts and wanting to have sex with Dawn French[‘s kids].”

“Even without data, it’s a reasonable assumption, isn’t it, that the claimant’s profile, whether that is in his programmes or in broadcasting, was off-putting to many,’ he said.”

“A lot of viewers are right-thinking people who find this sort of behaviour obnoxious.”

Jennifer Eady QC for the prosecution, told the panel that he “was passionate”.  “If there was one thing he loved doing it was this and he had done it for years.”

jimmySaville2_2361841b“It was hard to draw any conclusion other than this was his life.”

n.b. for the purposes of privacy and respect, Mail-Feasance has used generic imagery and removed the claimant’s name from this article.

Sportsweak: Football to include fat subs

The cream of Daily Mail’s sportswriters came together this week in an attempt to determine once and for all what makes for the greatest atmosphere in football.

Their control for this socio-scientific study was the understated and reserved analogy of Borussia Dortmund’s Manager Jurgen Klopp, in reference to the Westfalenstadion’s home support:

“It’s very narrow. It’s a bit like when you are born and your mother is… (he makes a face as if in pain)… and then you come out and see the best of the world. It’s everything, like the sun going up”

"I can see the Kop!"
“I can see the Kop!”

So how did the land’s finest sporting rhetoricians fare when challenged with relaying their atmospheric delectations of the fine game?  Let’s find out:

Liverpool v Chelsea (Anfield, May 2005)
“Christ it’s loud.  Susan?  SUSAN?!”

Liverpool v Chelsea (Anfield, May 2005)
“The stadium turned into a giant beach ball and set off towards Toxteth.”

Everton v Liverpool (Pre-1990)
“Back in the old days, football supporters loved each other.  Regardless of rivalries and derbies, often the home terraces would cheer on the away fans.”

Feyenoord Stadium, Rotterdam
“I like a banging soundtrack to my football.  Chuck in some agro with the filth and some life-saving equipment and I’m anybody’s.”

South Korea v Poland (Busan, June 2002)
“I love it when fans leave a stadium to grab hold of the foundations and attempt to destroy everything they hold dear.”

Ferencvaros v Anderlecht, (Champions League qualifying, 1995)
“25,000 Woody Harrelson impersonators and moments of silence.”

Stade Velodrome, Marseille
“The atmosphere is so good, the home supporters turn on each other.”

Maksimir Stadium, Zagreb
“Susan?  SUSAN?  I’ll meet you… I said: I’LL MEET YOU BY THE… Oh, never mind.”

Boca Juniors v River Plate (La Bombonera, May 2008)
“F*ck football, bring on some guns and a brass band.  Why are we bothering with this stupid game anyway? Nobody can seriously support a team with a name like River Plate.”

What conclusion was drawn from this meeting of mighty media minds?  Sod the football, it’s all about the volume and the violence.  The panel will be presenting their findings to the FA next week, where they will suggest that most Premiership teams could avoid the burden of horrendous players’ wages by cancelling matches and sticking a bass bin and a nuckle duster under every seat.

The FA unveil the new Premier League logo
The FA unveil the new Premier League logo

It worked for Crown Green Bowling, so why not football?

Sportsweak: Sebastian Vettel’s condition is a massive blow to motorsport

In a discipline where lightening reflexes are one of the most important attributes, the tragic news has emerged this week that the new F1 world champ has lost this most basic natural talent shortly after winning his fourth title.

Vettel believes it will take him at least a decade to understand what happened to him as he crossed the finish line at Buddh International Circuit and won the championship at this weekend’s Indian Grand Prix. With other drivers being able to make split-second decisions on the track, this is clearly going to be a premature end for the once-gifted German.

"Where am I?"
“Where am I?”

Further evidence of the ten year lag in Vettel’s perception was on display at the end of the race. Receiving news from the pit that he should return for the usual post-match procedures, the Red Bull racer was clearly confused and had decided he was his 16 year-old self, mistaking the Indian tarmac for an out-of-hours Tesco car park. He set about spinning doughnuts in an effort to impress some GCSE students and emerged from the smoke clearly incensed at the idea that a mid-teen would wear something so hideously outmoded as driving gloves. Throwing said gloves into the crowd, he made his way to the podium where he commenced guzzling the celebratory Jeroboam of champagne.

"Wait until I get some neons on this bad boy..."
“Wait until I get some neons on this bad boy…”

After the obligatory drunken hugs and garbled projections of love for his team, Vettel was led out of the media spotlight and into the concerned arms of the Formula One family. Ordinarily, Eddie Jordan is kept away from the current drivers as many get too attached, but F1’s hairy Louis Walsh was on hand to get to the bottom of Seb’s confusion.  With the new champion suckling at Bernie Ecclestone’s decrepit teat (a sight from other drivers that we have become oh-too-familiar with), Eddie explained that Sebastian Vettel was now completely incapable of comprehending anything without a ten-year time lag. “He keeps going on about how he can’t believe that Concorde won’t fly again and that there’s this fabulous Russian lesbian schoolgirl pop duo he’s getting into.”

"Hands up who wants some White Lightening and not talk to girls?"
“Hands up who wants some White Lightening and to not talk to girls?”

Considering that the current dominion of the sport is still reeling in the fact that his hero, Michael Schumacher, has just won his sixth championship, it makes it impossible to see how he will even enter next year’s season.  In his head, he’s not even allowed to start learning to drive until next year.

Sportsweak: Cristiano Ronaldo is radiating gamma rays from the decay of titanium-44

In no way a marketing ploy from sportswear giant Nike, it has come to light that Cristiano Ronaldo shares an uncanny resemblance to the remnants of a supernova.  Every England fan’s favourite winker has been able to find a sense of personal serenity by starlit training sessions that has brought him closer to extra-terrestrial life.


What started out as a seemingly tired sports cliche, when a commentator dubbed a free-kick as if “from another planet”, has resulted in Ronaldo’s realisation at his ability to communicate on a astronomical level with constellations far beyond that of the trappings of the modern game.  After the comment, his boot makers were quick to respond.

Cristiano was always looking to find a way of interpreting his kindred stellar passions with his work on the pitch and now, thanks to the marvel of digital printing on synthetic materials, has been able to express his personality and style of play through the medium of footwear.

Ronaldo uses his fingers as antennae to communicate with celestial beings.
Ronaldo uses his fingers as antennae to communicate with celestial beings.

Accompanied by a video that perfectly juxtaposes his sprinting ability with vintage film of a monkey on a boat, it is believed that this short video is the first in a suite that shows Ronaldo’s passing prowess alongside a giraffe in a sportscar and his magical dribbling interspersed with images of a muskrat playing table tennis.

The Portuguese superstar wipes some ectoplasm on Bale's palm for good luck.
The Portuguese superstar wipes some ectoplasm on Bale’s palm for good luck.

The “celestial body that radiates energy” (or Ronaldo to his team mates) is going to prove that aliens are crap at the beautiful game when he dons his new boots and leaves Real Madrid next summer to join Alpha Centauri Wanderers on a season-long loan.

Either that, or we’ve all been staring at those new boots for the last ten minutes.

Sportsweak International Special: Roy Walker Invades Daily Mail HQ

It seems that they couldn’t be bothered to get the caption writers in for the first write-up of tonight’s thrilling international between England and Poland and decided to merely describe the picture.   I couldn’t resist sharing some with you.

Rooney celebrates by mimicking Wellbeck's surfboard as team mates take it in turns to drag him around the pitch by the head for most of the second half.
Rooney celebrates by mimicking Wellbeck’s surfboard as team mates take it in turns to drag him around the pitch by the head for most of the second half.
Gerrards new technique of inserting the football into his anal cavity gave Poland's defence plenty to think about.
Gerrard’s new technique of inserting the football into his anal cavity gave Poland’s defence plenty to think about.
The Polish choice of substitute leaves away fans puzzled.
The Polish choice of substitute leaves away fans puzzled.
Cahill resolute that crop-tops make for a better performance.
Cahill resolute that crop-tops make for a better performance.
England players attempt to remove Rooney's head as a memento of tonight's historical victory.
England players attempt to remove Rooney’s face as a memento of tonight’s historical victory.

Sportsweak: Keep Watching, Ladies!

Women's Football
Women: “We just want to be taken seriously.”
Tam Cowan: “Burn the lot of ’em.”

A major breakthrough in the sexism row as the magic formula for gender equality is defined by the roles of women in the field of sports.

In reaction to the recent suspension of BBC Scotland and Daily Record Journalist, Tam Cowan, for claiming in his regular column that women’s football is a “turgid spectacle” and that “…fans must agree it’s time to chuck it.”, the sexism in certain sports debate has reared its head again.

Everywhere we look in sports broadcasting and journalism there are examples of fine quality in the likes of Claire Balding, Kirsty Gallagher and Clare Tomlinson.  As you would expect, you also get ones that are “…sticking microphones up the noses of hulking prop forwards and 6ft 6in centre halves, reading out questions that a male producer has written for them.”

But then we come to playing the game itself.   It seems that the general consensus of opinion is that the women’s game is seriously below-par.  Whereas lots of men enjoy becoming passionate about the male game, the same is not true of women.  The result is that the aforementioned journalistic talents are the ones that rise to the fore – their ability to watch men is unparalleled.

This is where we come to the significant breaking through in bridging the gender divide.  It becomes clear that women’s roles within society are best served observing men doing the literal work.  Not only is this the only way they can measure up to their male counterparts, but they will be admiring for doing so also.  Window cleaners will try that extra bit hard on the streaks to impress an observing female, politicians will put the right numbers in their expenses if a lady is gazing over their shoulder at their “workings-out” and catholic priests may touch a few less pre-pubescents if they’re being critiqued by a confident, strong yet oddly feminine lesbian.

So perhaps Tam Cowan’s suggestion of a ritualistic arson attack to cleanse the world where women are allowed to participate in a human pursuit is not so nutty after all?

Sportsweak: A broken spine is like a bad marriage

The racing world was stunned this week when Ashley Judd’s estranged husband was seriously injured in an Indy Car race.


The “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”star’s ex-partner went airborne when Chiharu Sato’s husband shunted him into the safety fence at over 100mph. After being taken to hospital, the leading lady from “Dolphin Tale”‘s recently-divorced spouse is said to be “awake and alert”.


Best remembered for her leading role in “Tooth Fairy”, Ashley Judd’s husband had recently divorced Dwayne Johnson’s co-star after they allegedly split by mutual consent. However, one racing source states: “They can be having a drink or dinner and all of a sudden sparks will fly, and they will be fighting over something that was said in their group of friends”


Who was the mysterious character lurking at the entrance to the corner just previous to the collision?

If this speculation is anything to go by, this should be a stark warning to all Scottish-born, Italian-named open-wheeled racing drivers – Paul di Resta won’t sleep too well tonight.