In a discipline where lightening reflexes are one of the most important attributes, the tragic news has emerged this week that the new F1 world champ has lost this most basic natural talent shortly after winning his fourth title.
Vettel believes it will take him at least a decade to understand what happened to him as he crossed the finish line at Buddh International Circuit and won the championship at this weekend’s Indian Grand Prix. With other drivers being able to make split-second decisions on the track, this is clearly going to be a premature end for the once-gifted German.
Further evidence of the ten year lag in Vettel’s perception was on display at the end of the race. Receiving news from the pit that he should return for the usual post-match procedures, the Red Bull racer was clearly confused and had decided he was his 16 year-old self, mistaking the Indian tarmac for an out-of-hours Tesco car park. He set about spinning doughnuts in an effort to impress some GCSE students and emerged from the smoke clearly incensed at the idea that a mid-teen would wear something so hideously outmoded as driving gloves. Throwing said gloves into the crowd, he made his way to the podium where he commenced guzzling the celebratory Jeroboam of champagne.
After the obligatory drunken hugs and garbled projections of love for his team, Vettel was led out of the media spotlight and into the concerned arms of the Formula One family. Ordinarily, Eddie Jordan is kept away from the current drivers as many get too attached, but F1’s hairy Louis Walsh was on hand to get to the bottom of Seb’s confusion. With the new champion suckling at Bernie Ecclestone’s decrepit teat (a sight from other drivers that we have become oh-too-familiar with), Eddie explained that Sebastian Vettel was now completely incapable of comprehending anything without a ten-year time lag. “He keeps going on about how he can’t believe that Concorde won’t fly again and that there’s this fabulous Russian lesbian schoolgirl pop duo he’s getting into.”
Considering that the current dominion of the sport is still reeling in the fact that his hero, Michael Schumacher, has just won his sixth championship, it makes it impossible to see how he will even enter next year’s season. In his head, he’s not even allowed to start learning to drive until next year.