Gary Lineker: Storm twat

Storms have ripped the UK into tiny immigrant covered smithereens!

£600,000 for killing english children!

Everybody in England is screaming, always!

Welcome to the Mail.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

When nature attacks!

I’ll say it, nature’s a bitch.

The Mail is angry today, exceedingly upset.

Except they don’t really know who to be angry at. The sky isn’t something you can satisfyingly take your rage out on. They’ve tried throwing bombs at it but they just come back down. They’ve tried stabbing rain, but it just gets the knife all wet. They’ve even tried swearing at clouds but mother nature gives nothing back. So instead the Mail has decided to start blaming everything in sight for the destruction of the UK yesterday in the vain hope that one of the accusations will stick. Broadband cables removed themselves from their tethers and mashed up some trees, Network Rail, probably in some sort of bonus fueled bender, ripped up its own tracks and threw the torrid remains at commuters while Michael Fish got into a fight with an evergreen. All of this is reported, interspersed with light hearted MET office facts about rain, pictures of the places that people died and shots of confused buses.

The Mail was angry. Angry and confused.

That was until this was tweeted:

Gary

Lineker. You vegetable selling soft faced footballing bastard.

It was here that everyone on staff at The Mail agreed on who should bear the full blame for yesterday’s carnage. So evident was their hate for the Ed Balls of football that there was almost no need for the ‘Anger at Lineker’s Tweet’ article. It’s tautology. The hate is steeped into the paper. Even when I was reading about the massive payout for the women that practically strangled Baby P with her own bare hands, Lineker came off as the bad guy.

Richard Littlejohn had this to say: He’s a furry eyed twat. I’d like to pour elephantiasis into him. 

Quentin Letts screamed into a pillow before adding: I want to mangle his little hands.

‘Send Linekunt back‘ is a nationwide campaign and will be officially launched in tomorrow’s Mail, so they aren’t calling for violence just yet. But they have hired Mel C (the dead eyed one from the Spice Girls) for the official opening and are laying on free wood for anyone who lands a punch on ‘the skinny hepatitis carrying aubergine‘.

However, the publication’s official Twitter feed stated this at midnight: I’ve had a few drinks, anyone got a pitchfork? Let’s burn ’em @GaryLineker.

Yes, The Mail’s latest hate campaign focuses on a long faced ex-footballer because nature is too abstract a concept.

HRH Dumps

It would be remiss of me if I didn’t mention some of this gash:

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Bow-down to your goddamn king people of England! The Mail have been working themselves into such a frenzy about baby George’s christening that they practically gave themselves whooping cough. Cue images of photographers drooling over pictures of baby george drooling in some sort of partial regression that, if looked at in an artistic way, really says something about ageing and mankind and wanking.  In the corner of the scene the headline writers are in elated frenzy, tossing aside all of the ‘The French give you cancer‘ crap they normally go for and opting for simpler stuff like ‘Fucking BOW DOWN‘ or ‘Hands in the heir!‘ All is good in Mail land. News is being made.

The coverage has been ridiculous and, for someone who actively opts out of ‘giving a toss about the royals’, quite crushing. For one it’s repetitive. Secondly it’s pictures of a baby. I’ll look at one picture of a family member’s baby out of politeness, any more than that and I burn the album and tell them to ‘rack off‘. If I barely know you and you and you ask me to look at a picture of your kid I’ll stab you in the kidney and then relentlessly invite you to play Candy Crush Saga while you’re trying to heal.  This week the Daily Mail have made me look at 16 pictures of some bloody lizard baby born to wide shouldered people I don’t care about, followed up by articles called ‘why we all love a christening’ and ‘Christ, that baby’s hot’.  I am livid.

They also called it a souvenir issue,  badly made, badly opinionated, shoddily made piece of crap I held in my hands had the fucking audacity to call itself a souvenir issue. I was alive during the christening but I don’t walk around asking people to call me ‘souvenir Paul’. Wankers.

Newsburst

I fought off sex attacker…and so could you, by brave Nicola – ‘Brave’ Nicola is a gun fetishist. She smiles while waving an AK-47 ‘It’s easy’. 

We’ve ill-treated scots for 800 years, says Archbishop – And then he raised a glass to 800 more, singing ‘Fuck ’em and their shocks of red hair’ 

Briton charged with hacking US military from parents’ semi – I can’t even work this out. Do erections come with wi-fi? Do countries know coding? I guess it’s all possible…

P.S The Daily Mail of yesteryear was awesome.

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