Daily Mail Deathmatch: Shoesmith Vs. Bindel

Remember when everyone got really annoyed because cancer was stealing their pensions?

No?

I do.

I read The Daily Mail.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

Baby P.oundsign

The Mail is angry. The nation is angry. MPs are angry. The focal point of this combined rage? Former head of children’s services at Haringey Council, Baby P scapegoat extraordinaire and all round lover of warm baths: Sharon Shoesmith.

Shoesmith’s recent compensation payout for her unfair dismissal in the wake of the Baby P furor has genuinely left a sour taste of shit in everybody’s mouths. One dying MP even exclaimed: It stinks!  While Ed Balls added: It leaves a bad taste. In order to gauge public opinion, the Mail took to the streets thrusting bad fruit into the public’s face and then asking them if they thought people that killed kids were wankers.

Despite all of this aggression, the Mail is a firm believer in not hitting women. They’d rather set up a child’s paddling pool, fill it with jelly and watch two women fight till their clothes come off. So with that in mind, today they’ve wheeled out left wing writer, self proclaimed feminist and ‘all woman’ Julie Bindel to ‘punch Shoesmith so hard she swallows a tooth‘ in a celebrity showdown special that will finally, once and for all confirm that Shoesmith killed Baby P.

I was initially shocked to see the words left wing writer and feminist in the Daily Mail not being followed by ‘gregarious idiot’ or ‘prick’ and a quick Google search taught me that Bindel regularly writes for the Guardian…Needless to say I was confused. I was reeling.

However, things went ‘Littlejohn’ very quickly as after quickly establishing her left wing credentials Bindel publicly stated that she’d taught a micro pig to rip the jowls from a human women in less than 2 seconds and all she now needed was Shoesmith’s scent to get the job done. She continued by spending two paragraphs describing how she would drown Shoesmith while Chris Martin sings showtunes in the background, before rounding everything off by sharing how she’d play connect four and listen to liberal jazz on the ‘selfish infanticidal extra from Road Dahl’s ‘The Witches‘ freshly dug grave, while harvesting some organic feminine milk from the teet of a midget ferret. She signed off by saying: ‘All animals obey me, all animals are coming for you‘.

Now I’m scared of feminists. Thanks Mail.

Newsburst

You’re abusing your power MP’s tell energy giants – Apparently they’ve been rounding up the gas and giving it a jolly good kicking.

British Justice on trial – British Justice was today caught stealing cheese from Waitrose, Hugh Grant commented: ‘let’s lock this mother up!’

The web lacks any morals, say head of internet giant – his body apparently isn’t too fussed.

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