The front cover of today’s Mail is a glorious gift from the heavens. A meataphorical straight punch in the face from the metaphorical god of metaphorical face punches, Metafistopheles. The frontage of this papery hate factory is an almighty and magnificent statement of intent so pure in its articulation and so unswerving in its arrogance that it destroys the concept of the Holy Trinity, replacing it with something faster, sleeker, more productive: the Holy Oblong. This Holy Oblong demands your attention as it tattoos its message across your limp soul, knifing its opinion into your mind. Fiends, I am here to translate that message for you. Simply put, that message is: ‘Hi, I’m the Daily Mail, fuck you!’
Feast ye eyes, plebs.
Statement 1: Migrants + Ewan McGregor = NO!
The first place you’re bound to look is the HEADLINE, so let’s start with that. Classic Mail. The Mail believes that the tsunami of migrants that are flooding our streets must be stopped before they make a film about it staring Ewan McGregor, like they do with all the other tsunamis. The mail hates Ewan McGregor movies as much as they hate migrants and wants less of them everywhere. So do the Germans, and in order to signify that yesterday they held a gigantic door closing ceremony, they found the biggest doors they could, lit some candles and then closed them slowly. The message is clear: Trainspotting 2 is not welcome here.
Statement 2: Health Bullshit = Gardens give children whooping-cough
After that, your eye can’t help but fall upwards towards the stark white of “Can going to the dentist give you Alzheimers?”, naturally moving away from the start black of the headline. You find yourself here, stranded and naked, alone in the GOOD HEALTH headline section.
The GOOD HEALTH news burst seem to be ordered by plausibility from left to right. Starting with “Why exercise won’t make up for that extra glass of wine”, which is plausible but boring, and finishing on the absolute classic “Cream that rubs away skin cancer” which is absolute horse vomit.
But taking centre stage, sitting in the golden realm of ‘just plausible enough to sell a newspaper’ (in the eyes of The Mail) is “Can going to the dentist give you Alzheimers?” , a wank magnet of a headline if ever I heard one. It’s like saying “being at the zoo can make you spindly” or “Ferrys cause rickets”.
Statement 3: The Left = people who kiss terrorists.
Then we move over to the right of the page, drinking in ‘COMRADE CORBYN’S ACCESS TO SECURITY SECRETS’. As I understand it, this covers the launch of ITV’s latest much maligned late night comedy, the premise of which involves the UK accidentally voting in the corpse of Osama Bin Laden as leader of the opposition: “OSAMinister! starring Martin Freeman as Osama’s body. Get ready for six episodes of hi-jinx as newly elected dead terrorist Osama fights off Rigor Mortis, both figuratively and literally (as well as crippling his decaying body, it’s also the name of his back bencher arch nemesis), all the while trying to escape Downing Street with the Queen’s security secrets”.
Yes, the Mail still remain absolutely fukergasted at the idea that a left leaning party have voted in a left leaning man, even worse then that, they’ve just realised Corbyn is A LEFTIE. Who the fuck do Labour think they are, voting in a leftie? Twat shaped bastards that they are, why don’t they all just get on a ship and fuck off.
Apparently Corbyn is also a ‘Taliban sympathiser‘ which means he hates toast and will definitely, definitely post nuclear missiles to IS if left unattended for even a single parsec. Yes, sympathising is now a bad thing, it’s tantamount to locking someone in a plane and throwing it at a closed down branch of the Post Office. It’s like it got swapped around with bastard in the dictionary when no-one was looking. The next time someone leaves their husband, don’t make them tea, glass them up with Nana’s china cups. If you come to me looking for sympathy I’ll just bash your knees in with a dog’s face.
“Small, my kids have just died”
This entire article is a bit like what 24 would be if it starred old white men…oh wait.
Statement 4: Taliban + boobs = nice!
The final story squatting like a shitting dog on the front cover of today’s Mail is that of Claire Blackman, Claire’s husband, who’s Facebook bio reads: Franz Ferdinand for life!!, was unfairly jailed for the murder of Taliban soldiers. He definitely, definitely did it, he definitely, definitely murdered two men. No-one’s disputing that, The Mail just think it’s unfair he had to go to prison for it.
“Why the hell is this on the front page?” You scream, quite rightly, “The Taliban haven’t sold newspapers since 2013”. It’s on the front page because it seems in Mail land, there’s only one thing that sells more newspapers than Migrants, lefties or bullshit, and that my friends is a little bit of cleave. Claire, like any self respecting distraught army wife is showing off a little bit of cleave. Admit it, it’s not often you get to report on the war on terror while showing off a fistful of titties.
Sum it up
In one glorious oblong the Mail has stated that it hates the left, hates foreigners, likes killing the Taliban, enjoys bullshit health news and loves a little bit of boob.
I was not ready for this.