MiniTrue – TIT CRUTCH COMPANIES ARE LYING TO YOU!

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Here Ye Custodians of Chebs, Managers of Mammaries & Wardens of Wobbly Bits, YOU ARE BEING LIED TO!

I know I know, it’s hard to take in but just breathe for a moment. Let your heaving bosoms gently rise and fall like Paul Simon’s young lover’s did at 3AM on a Wednesday morning before he got arrested for stealing from an off-licence and the police came and took him away a few hours later. Calm yourself and your imprisoned milk dispensers as you process the shocking truth that, fashion labels and designer corporations, have been lying to you.

Victoria's Secret Fashion Show (Flickr / cattias.photos)
Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show (Flickr / cattias.photos)

Victoria’s Secret, which sounds like a 90’s sitcom starring Kirstie Alley, but is in actual fact a faceless behemoth of the lingerie market, hire lying pricks. Well actually they’re probably more tits or twats or cunts or arseholes as they seem to cater more to female undergarments. In they’re not any specific genitalia at all, they are lying dirty shits. Dirty lying turds smeared all over your genitalia in the shape of knickers, braziers and crotchless panties (that’s the image I was going for right there). Victoria’s Secret have lied to you.

Guiding us through this travesty is MARGOT PEPPERS of Mail Online, she is shocked at the sheer number of lingerie models who, in the harsh light of reality, don’t have massive breasts, pert bottoms or curvaceous cleavage. Looking at Margot’s other articles in the FEMAIL section it’s clear she has a predilection on all things body size, plastic surgery and fake beauty. Whether it’s the Anorexia Memoirs, her articles on why “it’s hard to make clothes look good on big women” or pieces about children and plastic surgery. I’ve not read these pieces so who knows what her stance is but it’s clear she has some unhealthy issues with all things cosmetic. So why has the Victoria Secret’s model debacle irked Margot and The Mail so much?

ADAM LEVINE’S FIANCEE, BEHATI PRINSLOO’S DRESS FIT LOOSELY OVER HER BARELY THERE CURVES

First off, this woman doesn’t even warrant a mention without her fiancee Mr. Levine, just so we’re clear on that. I don’t know who either Adam or Behati are but on the catwalk it appears Ms. Prinsloo was bursting out of her brazier, now she’s a withered stick with nothing to flaunt. How can we aspire to you now, you titless witch!?

21 YEAR OLD GIRL, CARLA DELEVINGNE, HAS A BOYISH FRAME RATHER THAN A VOLUPTUOUS ONE, WITH SLIM HIPS AND LACK OF CLEAVAGE

This poe-faced bitch has the audacity to be made up by professional make-up artists and model some of the most expensive lingerie and she allows it to change how she looks! Delevingne has admitted herself that she would like to be curvier but rather than wait around until she’s had a baby so she can fill out those bras naturally, she continues to pursue a career. What a TWAT!

ERIN HEATHERTON APPEARED WELL-ENDOWED ON RUNWAY BUT IN SYDNEY HER CURVES WERE ALL BUT INVISIBLE

How dare these young women strut their stuff about in front of us when in actuality they have nothing to show? It’s definitely not the fault of a shallow, greedy industry which prizes pre-teen bodies even when selling fully adult bras. It’s got nothing to do with newspapers and journalists forcing young women to aspire to thigh-gaps, size zero and no curves. It’s a world away from crude airbrushing, constant make-up and 15 year old pin up girls. It’s all the fault of these ruddy tarts who are lying to us about their bodies!

Thank goodness these ironing board bitches, these inverted-tit twats, these manly mammaried mother-fuckers had Victoria’s Secret lingerie to enhance their otherwise disgusting, bland bodies. The moral of the story, Lingerie Works!

NO TO FLAT CHESTS SAY DAILY MAIL (FLICKR / foolsplay07)
NO TO FLAT CHESTS SAY DAILY MAIL (FLICKR / foolsplay07)
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Wel-come in Littlejohn

LittleDouche

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Richard Littlejohn

Richard Littlejohn, whose Linkdin profile states: ‘I’ve never been to Brixton, it’s a fuckhole’, is an angry guy. His anger is literally astounding, like a small dog that looks like Hitler. He is made of fury, casual hate shaped into an ugly crabish human form. Anything and everything he sees can instantly send him into a rage fuelled Jaffa Cake binge, only to be found in a lay-by three hours later smashing orangey chocolatey cake mess into his face over and over again and moaning about ‘immigrants’ or ‘not getting breast in KFC’. When not writing columns for The Daily Mail he roams the UK in a beige van with a trowel and a tiny cat, ready to jump out from behind a tree screaming and waving his arms whenever he sees human rights being respected, cause he hates that shit.

Imagine a Buddist whose entire belief system is based on hate who is using a blurred computer printout of a picture of a chubby face as a face, in a suit. That’s Littlejohn.

In short, he’s a volatile, racist, mad brained twit. If his wife has any sense she’s covered all of the knives in the house with cotton wool just in case he sees a brown person on the way home and flips out. He’s a naked fucktard screaming in the streets about ‘polish cancer’ while cutting little swastikas into bits of paper. But look a little bit closer and you’ll notice something about this mentalist pie face, he isn’t screaming because he’s mental, those aren’t swastikas he’s cutting into those bits of paper…they’re Union Jacks. This isn’t some crazy Nazi nobody. This is a patriot! He doesn’t hate everything, he just loves England so bloody much he wants to stab everything in it and piss on the remains while crying.

Richard Littlejohn loves Britain, he loves it like a swan loves another swan, like lesbians love other lesbians, like Paul Flowers loves flowers that are covered in crack. Littlejohn loves Britain so much that he’ll do everything in his power to stop anything from slashing up its lovely little face.

Today, Theresa May threatens to mess with the UK’s face with the twin implements of cracking down on domestic violence and modern-day slavery and Littlejohn is just chomping at the bit to fuck her up. In light of the recent Workers Institute of Marxism-Leninism-Mao Zedong Thought slavery fiasco (an Ealing comedy just waiting for the right writer), May has spoken up about her feelings that more needs to be done by the government to seek out and stop the secretive abuse of people by impotent meatpuppets, spoken up about it everywhere she can. She’s currently patrolling the country in a beige van with a trowel and a tiny cat on a garage forecourt tour entitled ‘You MAY stop hitting her now’.

Upon hearing this news Littlejohn punched a nearby clown in the tit and quickly ran off like a mentalist with a handful of Jaffa Cakes. He’s since been seen sighted Jaffa from Co-ops and painting penises on every picture of Theresa May he can find. His wife says he only turns violent when he runs out of orangey biscuity cake things so it’s fine, but unfortunately the north of England are currently reporting a shortage of the mass produced cake like biscuity chocolate orange food stuffs, so it’s not fine. Needless to say police have moved Theresa to a secure location…

The country awaits his reaction with bated breath…

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MiniTrue – Egregious Exhibitionism linked to Evil Oestrogen

MiniTrue – Culture You Can Swallow

Estrogen fuels Exhibitionism? (Flickr/ Movie Stars and Rockets)
Estrogen fuels Exhibitionism? (Flickr/ Movie Stars and Rockets)

Girls are smelly. Girls are poopy. Girls are bad.

These facts have been known to us since the days of the playground and luckily, for men everywhere, the most popular media outlet in the world won’t let us forget it.  It seems that over the last week alone the Mail Online has found countless examples of these dirty oestrogen buckets flaunting themselves about as if the world wanted to catch a glimpse of their midriff. It’s not like these creatures of the softer sex were going about their daily lives and the only reason they “flashed” or “showed off” their bodies is because of a Paparazzi reporter with a long lens. God, how cynical are you? It’s quite clear from Mail Online that famous females can’t help but use their bodies to further their careers and it’s not paparazzi’s fault if they just happen to have a camera out when these tiresome tarts bare it all, is it? It’s not our Daily Mail’s fault that even if some of these silly girls, who pretend to have something to say about the world, are doing it whilst having legs, breasts and stomachs that they can’t help but showing off, is it?

The interesting thing to notice is that you don’t find men doing this. We all know celebrities are exhibitionists by nature but the Daily Mail has proven that although male showbiz types bare their talent for all to see, sadly their female counterparts just can’t help using their bodies to get an extra bit of media coverage. Praise the Testosterone Types with their restraint and ability to walk down a street without gusts of wind lifting up the back of their tops. Respect the Humble Hunks with their navigation of getting out of cars wearing clothes that don’t offer a chance to shove a camera up their crotch to see what brand of briefs they wear. Honour the Superior Studs with their strong strides which allow them to traverse a red carpet without cameramen being able to get the right angle on their thighs to see if they have achieved the allusive thigh gap. Thank goodness for showbiz men who don’t go in for that whole, ‘My body is my career‘ thing!

Girls are smelly. Girls are poopy. Girls are bad and it seems they just can’t keep their bloody clothes on. Here’s some examples from Mail Online of women who are obsessed with giving us an eyeful in last fortnight;

Even Eve Couldn't Resist Showing Her Side Boob (Flickr/timtak)
Even Eve Couldn’t Resist Showing Some Side Boob (Flickr/timtak)

IT’S LADY BRA-BRA! SINGER FLASHES HER BLACK LACE UNDERWEAR

MICHELLE DOCKERY FLASHES HER BRA AS SHE STRIKES A SEXY POSE

PEACHES GELDOF FLASHERS HER LEGS IN A BARELY-THERE DENIM SHORTS

ABS-OLUTELY FABULOUS! JULIANNE HOUGH FLASHES WASHBOARD ABS IN STREET

JENNIFER LAWRENCE SHOWS OFF HER SEXY CURVES & JUST A HINT OF MIDRIFF

PIXIE LOTT FAILS TO PROTECT MODESTY AS SHE DRUNKENLY LEAVES A NIGHTCLUB

CAROLINE FLACK FALLS VICTIM TO HER HEMLINE AND FLASHES HER UNDERWEAR

A CHEEKY DAY OUT! KIMBERLEY GARNER FLASHES HER BOTTOM AS SKIRT CAUGHT BY WIND

JENNIFER LAWRENCE REVEALS SIDE-BOOB AT HUNGER GAMES: CATHING FIRE PREMIERE

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

Flowers gets fingered…and bloody loves it! He’s into that sort of thing

Why hello!

I’m happy. You’re happy.

So let’s all pretend we’re not crying while our planet is slowly engulfed by the sun.

I still read the Mail, I welcome the end of everything.

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Ed Contra-band

Disgraced Co-op bank wanker Paul Flowers is an utter, utter bastard. A pink tie wearing, pie in the sky actor lookalike, rent boy shagging, pie mongering twitish b-wanker. Flowers, who was caught by the Mail on Sunday buying a veritable smorgasbord of drugs while also being the gay head of a lefty bank who enjoys rent boys is definitely, absolutely, positively a wrong-headed chubby faced deviant. FACT.

But now the Daily Mail have revealed Flowers also had close personal ties to the Labour party, sexy ties, ties with pictures of nude people on them. Said tubby fuck monster has been revealed to be BFF’s with both of the Eds, Balls and Miliband, he was also partial to a bit of the horse. He split his life between drugs, rent boys and doubles tennis with the Eds, sometimes all in the same afternoon. He had the Eds round for a sleepover, made up little songs about them and only made two friendship bracelets at the 2010 Co-op Croma away day, both of which were labelled ‘Eb’ it’s presumed that Flowers was so high on crack and young boys bums that he couldn’t spell the name. In an interview in 2006 he remarked: Ed has the softest hands, he tickles me when we play Fifa. 

He refused to say which ‘Ed’ it was.

This close friendship, backed up by the Mail with interesting pictures of all three men at a formal gathering but far away from each other, totally, undeniably proves that the Eds joined Flowers having sex with crystal meth on a rent boy while singing show tunes, it also proves that everyone that works at the Co-op is a crack addicted commie tosser. It’s a logical progression and truly makes a well-rounded and absolutely convincing argument. I don’t think I can ever vote labour again. A vote for labour is a vote for crack.

It also makes me wonder just what the hell the Mail would make of this silly old picture…

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Black faced morris dancers definitely not racist

In the most shocking thing that I’ve read since picking up my first copy of this goddamn paper the Mail today defended the actions of a group of Morris dancers who insist on wearing black face while performing their dance routine.

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According to the Mail, the Morris men are just ‘upholding long-standing traditions and aren’t in any way racist at all, they’re just impersonating moorish pirates, they don’t burn crosses or anything, not until the second act’. Alfenstein Mcflamey, the leader of the dance troupe, who lists his profession as slave keeper, had this to say: Anyone who thinks we’re being racist is a racist. After all, we’re technically black, with the paint and everything.

Everyone loves upholding traditions don’t they? My favourite is female circumcision.

Newsburst

How violent crimes ‘are made to vanish like a puff of smoke’ – The recent spate of Ninja on Magician violence in Britain has been exposed despite all the evidence vanishing in a ball of dry ice.

Pensioners too slow for pelican crossings – Tests of the moving pelican crossing ended in the deaths of loads of old people after the speed was set to 55mph, an unnamed civil servant said this:  Nooooo!

Fined, driver who knocked a cyclist off his bike and then boasted about it on Twitter – How dare they fine this brave public servant?

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MiniTrue – Women Need a Slap…of Make-Up!

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Women! What the blazes are you playing at?!

In the last century we’ve given you everything. In the last century we’ve given you the illusion of equal rights. In the last century we’ve let you get your bestiality kicks with the King’s horse and pretended it was feminisim. We let you think one of your kind had got into Number 10 so you’d think gender politics were progressing. We’ve given you ample room in media to express your estrogen fuelled opinions, like on Loose Women or in our very own Femail section. We’ve given you opportunities to work for grown up companies and even be scientists, at lower salaries of course. We let you act the parts of women in plays and have even let you into stand-up comedy despite  critics informing us that women can’t be as funny as men. We’ve let you burn your braziers. We’ve let you wear cone-shaped braziers. We’ve let you appear on Page 3 without braziers. This year we’re even thinking of letting you expose those vile, milk dispensing teats in public so you can discharge the putrid liquid down the gullets of your newborn duty.

WE’VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING SO WHY CAN’T YOU THROWN ON SOME SLAP?!

Maggie - The Power of Some Slap (Flickr / mharrsch)
Maggie – The Power of Some Slap (Flickr / mharrsch)

That’s right, a plethora (oh yeah, I just used the word plethora in a really beautifully timed way) of celebrities (Hang on. I just want to clarify that I knew what the meaning of a plethora was before I saw ‘The Three Amigos’ film where El Guapo gives an accurate decription of what a plethora is to his henchman who has no idea. Glad that’s cleared up, let’s start again)

That’s right, a plethora (Props to me again) of celebrities have been unmasked this week, literally unmasked! These entitled shits had the nerve to show their natural faces in public despite knowing that it’s in the showbiz clause that they are to look perfect at all times. The only times acceptable for not being up to scratch is when we have carefully doctored their photos to create a campaign of love, hate or pity for them, when did these stars become so self-centered?

Anne Hathaway has been caught with no make up on and having, of all things, a flushed pink face. The DAILY MAIL REPORTER seems to have noticed she has been working out and is quite complimentary of her body but has to point out the make-up free thing, who wouldn’t right? It also seems that a picture of the Dark Knight Rises star shown nearly dropping a baby is enough to speculate she maybe pregnant and will undoubtedly be a good mother. Thank god for fact based journalism, throw some Maybelline on Anne and maybe your unborn child will be born with it!

Kate Moss looks less than glossy as she arrives for Playboy photo session, without make-up! When will these employees of the nation understand that it doesn’t matter what you’re about to do you need to wear make-up? If you’re about to give birth, wear make up. If you’re about to eviscerate a tiger shark with Chief Brody to see if it has Chrissie Watkins’ remains inside, wear make up. If you’re about to take all your clothes off and be made up and lit by the most experienced magazine in the world at lighting and making up women without clothes on, wear your own make up first Kate! Luckily Judy Cogan of the Mail Online explains to us that Kate can be forgiven for looking less than glossy without make-up and proceeds to show us as many pictures as possible of the star trying to hide her face. Grab some Rimmel Kate, get the lackluster London look!

Women! We’re just trying to help you be liked and lucky in love. The FeMail section of MailOnline has published findings this week which prove that make up will make more people like you and help your chances in love. Some French neuro-scientist has said that make up will do these things and there’s no link to any research or statistics so it’s pretty much gospel. In the report it shows that even people in TOWIE style thick make up, although untrustworthy, are more likeable and attractive than any silly woman who chooses not to doll herself up. So don’t listen to these vacuous celebrities who are trying to look natural, they’re trying to make you unattractive and hated so they can steal your boyfriend and your jobs. Grab your mascara wands, your lipstick lightsabres and your foundation sponges and be yourselves, under a mask of make-up!

WOMEN! DON’T LET IMMIGRANTS AND CELEBRITIES WIN, WEAR MAKE UP.

Don't Let Immigrants Win, Wear Make-Up. (Flickr / Cowtools)
Don’t Let Immigrants Win, Wear Make-Up. (Flickr / Cowtools)

SPORTSWEAK: VETERAN BROADCASTER WAS “ENCOURAGED” BY MEDIA EXECS

A tribunal yesterday prosecuting on behalf of a veteran broadcaster has found that his behaviour away from his main place of work was deemed suitably unacceptable to make him unemployable in his field of expertise.

A case was mounted to suggest that his antics were a “pantomime character” that bore no reflection on his professional persona and that he was a presenter of quality and integrity.  Arguing that he had been wrongly pigeonholed by the public, his endeavours were said to be actively encouraged by the media execs that surrounded him.

Jimmy Savile-1358742

The television stalwart, famous for his outlandish dress-sense, wild hair and gold jewellery was under investigation following revelations about the goings-on behind closed doors at two of the biggest production companies in the UK and was attempting to prosecute said organisations for discrimination.  Both denied any wrong-doing.  It has been stated by the prosecution that this is a “massive setback” for anyone in a similar position.

“After such a landmark judicial verdict, [the] failed legal action ensures that anonymous suits and skirts, who control the media, numerous other businesses and the public sector, will now enjoy complete freedom to [continue to encourage this sort of behaviour unchallenged].”

During the hearing it was claimed sexist and rude behaviour were a ‘pantomime’ role that had been actively encouraged by Channel 4.  But the panel was told by witnesses from the station and IMG that he was ‘offensive’ and ‘disgusting’.

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In closing submissions Thomas Linden QC, counsel for Channel 4, said the claimant had suggested it was possible he could switch from one ‘thoroughly obnoxious’ persona to another, more serious one. But he said it was not the case that bosses could say: ‘Please wear a grey suit, please don’t go for this extravagant manner and please don’t portray yourself as slightly mad because it’s impinging on your work”, and he would have complied.

“As a matter of reality it simply isn’t the case,” Mr Linden said.

“We see time and time again the possibility of the claimant being a serious character and failing woefully,” he added, giving an example of a Sunday Times interview where he had “gone on” about Kate Winslet’s [daughter’s] breasts and wanting to have sex with Dawn French[‘s kids].”

“Even without data, it’s a reasonable assumption, isn’t it, that the claimant’s profile, whether that is in his programmes or in broadcasting, was off-putting to many,’ he said.”

“A lot of viewers are right-thinking people who find this sort of behaviour obnoxious.”

Jennifer Eady QC for the prosecution, told the panel that he “was passionate”.  “If there was one thing he loved doing it was this and he had done it for years.”

jimmySaville2_2361841b“It was hard to draw any conclusion other than this was his life.”

n.b. for the purposes of privacy and respect, Mail-Feasance has used generic imagery and removed the claimant’s name from this article.

The NHS hates O.A.Prats

I realised today that I’ve been reading the Daily Mail for a month. Apparently I’m a racist now.

Welcome to a world where everybody stays in their own country and no new babies are born. People age until they are 75 and then stop and live forever.

Welcome to a city where women are not paid attention to, unless they are feminists having a go at other women.

Welcome to a street where pandas having miscarriages is fine but being famous and sweating is not.

Welcome to the Mail.

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Dignity for the Elderly 2: Dignity for the Dead

Today the Mail unveiled the shocking news that the NHS is forcing old people to sit in supermarket trolleys for hours at a time before being seen. Poundland trolleys mind you, not anything dignified like a John Lewis trolley. This ongoing systematic abuse of OAPs has come to light  due to investigations conducted this week by the The Mail using the freedom of information act and, when that took too long, getting some doctors really high and tickling them. NHS staff across the country are refusing health care to anyone over 60 unless they’ve sat in a supermarket trolley for a ‘jolly long time‘ or suffered a similar horrific abuse, all because GPs are bloody sick of seeing scenes like this:

olds

It would appear that this ‘flagrant shit rubbing in faces campaign‘ is a direct response to the Daily Mail’s Dignity for the Elderly Crusade, the massive torrent of abuse beginning when 23-year-old surgeon Evident Michaels spat in an old person’s ligament during a routine knee replacement. Michaels had this to say: ‘The nearly-dead always look so bloody serene and happy, yet when no-ones looking they fuck off to The Daily Mail and tell them everybody’s trying to do them in. ‘I don’t think my wife is alive, young people exist, my wrinkled arms are pleasant’ I, for one, have had enough. I’m going to give them something to moan about.  I’ve got a trolley and I’m going to take away their shoes if I get a chance.’

Commentators are shocked at the treatment seen so far, with one elderly patient being forced to draw a picture of a horse in charcoal on a live horse and being told to ‘start again‘ for 71 hours and 34 minutes – all but three days. ‘Patients who are forced to undergo this kind of treatment will probably grow a snapped bladder and lose muscle definition on their hips. They’ll end up looking like run over foxes’ said Hanns Hands of Patient Concern ‘We’ve heard that old people in the North East are being coated in breadcrumbs and forced into a pigeon coup before being allowed to pick up prescriptions. One big peck from a man-sized pigeon is enough to finish your average Anthony Hopkins. It’s literally a worst case scenario’. Other abuses suffered include Mike Ridgebit from Slough having Piri Piri Pot Noodle stitches put into a wound under his nose and Susanneannean Dover-Sole being made to eat bandages, Richard Littlejohn had a cry about that one.

David Cameron tweeted: Screw ’em. They’ll be dead before the next election. I’m off to polish some gold.

Newsburst

Midwives ‘put baby in stationary cupboard’ – Nobody seems to believe they thought the baby was a pen. Despite them being able to write their signature with it.

80 executed for watching soaps – Bad Korea gets weirder as Kim Jong Son orders the execution of anyone caught looking at soap. Hygiene levels have decreased exponentially as people are forced to wash with their eyes closed.  

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Hey women! Don’t read news, here’s a picture of a cat in a car.

This is the news!

This is the news that crawls into your bed at night trying to top and tail ‘like cousins’.

This is the news punching into your ear and whispering ‘cream me’.

This is the news, entering you with its sexy unsheathed facts.

This is The Mail.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

Women! Have some crap! You like crap. Stupid women.

Today, I would like to do something different. I would like to talk about FEMAIL.

In the midst of the sweaty masculine testicles of the Daily Mail’s NEWS and SPORT sections comes the sweet sexy stench of HRT in the form of FEMAIL magazine. FEMAIL is The Daily Mail’s women distraction weapon, like a deer attached to a piece of string hugging a grumpy human baby.

We all know that women’s eyes are too fragile to look at NEWS, because women are soft and rubbish and should be really be giving birth or sowing or something. The Mail knows this too. So to stop women from having to suffer the unique agony of tiny jellied explosions in their skulls because Nick Clegg found some stuff in a bin, someone on staff at the Mail invented FEMAIL. Covering such varied and current topics as women who are aging, older ladies who love cats and womb bags in their twilight years discussing cashmere onesis, FEMAIL magazine is the one thing I always wished for: a window into the mind of posh weirdos with shriveled boobies.

FEMAIL is filled with all the lovely mindless crap we all know women love, Fred Basset cartoons, articles about weaponized cats attacking ex-lovers, horoscopes, partially dead hamsters sat on pretty bits of wood, fabric with pictures on it. They even dedicate two pages to different types of bow. It all feels a bit like a dying 50+ trying to reconnect with his ex-wife by buying her a deep fat fryer and asking her do a puzzle with him.

I could have lived without knowing that Kiki Dee is happy she didn’t have children.

And all of that comes before we get to Sarah Vine.

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Imagine Richard Littlejohn with the ability to create offspring while constantly babbling in aggressive rhetoric about facials and ghosts and ‘women’s issues’. Sarah Vine looks like a wine-addicted divorcee who’s only recent whiff of a relationship was appearing on ‘Dinner Date’ and losing because she looks like a cross-dressing warlock. I can’t even be nice and say that she probably owns cats, you can see in her eyes that she snaps the backs of kittens for a lark.

On a daily basis Vine dishes out advice on ‘why life is a risk you have to take‘, ‘why spitting on Morrisons shoppers is fine…‘ and ‘How to batter your face with chemicals until it looks either youthful or vague‘ and it’s always fucking nonsense. Here are some samples:

1) Why life is a risk you have to take – If you’re not born, you can’t nab a rich husband. You’d just be a poor pre-corpse.

2) Why you need to smash the wrinkles of off your smarmy eyes – Men don’t marry wrinkles

3) Why women were better in the 50s – We knew our place. Behind our men.

It’s this mess of useless tosh that worries me more than The Cancer or The Terrorists or The Polish. The fact that even the dedicated women’s section of the Mail reinforces the idea of the women as a second class citizen I find exceptionally depressing. I’ve heard they’ll be releasing a section aimed at foreigners (Immailgrant) to be filled with articles like ‘why I loved leaving the UK’.

Anyone taking the advice of this women should be spayed, as a race we can do without them.

On a separate note, I’m really starting to think Vine and LittleJohn are the same person, check out the mirrored poses on their official photos:

Newsburst

Elderly hide illness so they won’t be a burden – I can’t help but think they aren’t doing enough, killing themselves would make sure of it.

Could Pakistan give Saudis nuclear weapons? – Well, Christmas IS coming! 

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MiniTrue – Evolution, God’s Best Idea?

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

BREAKING NEWS

DOLPHINS ARE FUCKING UGLY, EVOLVING LEGS WAS GOD’S BEST IDEA!

Are Legs God's Sexiest Idea? (Flickr / a4gpa)
Are Legs God’s Sexiest Idea? (Flickr / a4gpa)

You remember that time we got kicked out of the Garden of Eden then regressed to aemobas who then evolved to fish-like creatures and eventually onto the land where suddenly legs became fashionable? Well thank fuck, because otherwise these celebrity tarts wouldn’t have anything positive to recommend about them. That’s right, flesh covered tibias and fibulas are en vogue right now as multiple Mail Online journalists salivate over legs like it’s Christmas Dinner up in here. Over just 3 days the Daily Mail became like an issue of Leg Sex, as long as those pins are long it doesn’t matter if they’re slender, skinny, enviable, toned or just Wow! Remember ladies, if you want to be attractive get some legs, check out the luscious lower extremities on show below.

Sexy Leg (Flickr / Rob Swatski)
Sexy Leg (Flickr / Rob Swatski)

LEGS LIKE WOW! STACEY KEIBLER SHOWS OFF HER BEST ASSETS IN TIGHT MIN DRESS

AND THE AWARD FOR BEST LEGS GOES TO…CIARA

NIKI REED SHOWS OFF LONG LEGS IN TINY CHECKED SHORTS

MIRANDA KERR SHOWS OFF HER ENVIABLY LONG LEGS

STYLISHLY SEXY! NICOLE RICHIE PUTS TONED PINS ON FULL DISPLAY

 NAYA RIVERA SHOWS OFF HER AMPLE CLEAVAGE AND LONG LEGS

KATE BOSWORTH SHOWS OFF HER SLENDER LEGS IN SKINNY JEANS

MARIAH CAREY STRETCHES OUT HER LONG LEGS IN NEW TEASER

WEAR SEXY CLOTHES IF YOU NEED HELP WOMEN

No this isn’t a lonely-hearts ad, it’s a cracking piece of investigative journalism. Lara Bingle, a someone, got her car stuck in the sand. What a silly bugger, it’s a 4×4 which means it can’t get stuck in snow let alone on a beautiful beach! I should just clarify that Lara Bingle is in no way connected to Chandler Bing.

Supposedly, according to Fay Strang on Mail Online, it’s no surprise that men helped this poor swimwear model out of her predicament because she looked sexy and was wearing a swimsuit. If she’d looked like Germaine Greer and was dressed in a burqa it’s obvious the men would have spat in her face and slashed her tires. Anyone else think it’s ironic that the Mail should think that women wearing sexy clothes results in men helping them? Usually they believe that if women wear sexy clothes all men will do, rightfully, is rape the shit out of them. I should just clarify Lara Bingle has nothing to do with Mr. Bingle the Christmas mascot.

Women take note, when leaving the house don’t wear jogging bottoms and a hoodie. Ms Bingle’s forethought is a revelation providing all women with a way to ensure they can get Y-chromosome help each time they inevitably need it throughout the day. Luckily Lara Bingle was dressed in her work clothes otherwise she could still be stuck, crying on the bonnet of her Range Rover as other exhausted women cried at the car trying to make it move. Thank god for swimsuits. Thank god for men. I should just clarify that I have no idea what a Lara Bingle is.

Beach Burqa (Gregory Jordan)
Beach Burqa (Gregory Jordan)

Sportsweak: Football to include fat subs

The cream of Daily Mail’s sportswriters came together this week in an attempt to determine once and for all what makes for the greatest atmosphere in football.

Their control for this socio-scientific study was the understated and reserved analogy of Borussia Dortmund’s Manager Jurgen Klopp, in reference to the Westfalenstadion’s home support:

“It’s very narrow. It’s a bit like when you are born and your mother is… (he makes a face as if in pain)… and then you come out and see the best of the world. It’s everything, like the sun going up”

"I can see the Kop!"
“I can see the Kop!”

So how did the land’s finest sporting rhetoricians fare when challenged with relaying their atmospheric delectations of the fine game?  Let’s find out:

MATT LAWTON
Liverpool v Chelsea (Anfield, May 2005)
“Christ it’s loud.  Susan?  SUSAN?!”

DOMINIC KING
Liverpool v Chelsea (Anfield, May 2005)
“The stadium turned into a giant beach ball and set off towards Toxteth.”

MIKE DICKSON
Everton v Liverpool (Pre-1990)
“Back in the old days, football supporters loved each other.  Regardless of rivalries and derbies, often the home terraces would cheer on the away fans.”

GRAHAM POLL
Feyenoord Stadium, Rotterdam
“I like a banging soundtrack to my football.  Chuck in some agro with the filth and some life-saving equipment and I’m anybody’s.”

IAN LADYMAN
South Korea v Poland (Busan, June 2002)
“I love it when fans leave a stadium to grab hold of the foundations and attempt to destroy everything they hold dear.”

MARK ALFORD
Ferencvaros v Anderlecht, (Champions League qualifying, 1995)
“25,000 Woody Harrelson impersonators and moments of silence.”

LAURA WILLIAMSON
Stade Velodrome, Marseille
“The atmosphere is so good, the home supporters turn on each other.”

JOHN EDWARDS
Maksimir Stadium, Zagreb
“Susan?  SUSAN?  I’ll meet you… I said: I’LL MEET YOU BY THE… Oh, never mind.”

NIK SIMON
Boca Juniors v River Plate (La Bombonera, May 2008)
“F*ck football, bring on some guns and a brass band.  Why are we bothering with this stupid game anyway? Nobody can seriously support a team with a name like River Plate.”

What conclusion was drawn from this meeting of mighty media minds?  Sod the football, it’s all about the volume and the violence.  The panel will be presenting their findings to the FA next week, where they will suggest that most Premiership teams could avoid the burden of horrendous players’ wages by cancelling matches and sticking a bass bin and a nuckle duster under every seat.

The FA unveil the new Premier League logo
The FA unveil the new Premier League logo

It worked for Crown Green Bowling, so why not football?