Sportsweak: High Wages Justified by Spurious Tasks

The Daily Mail continues to break new journalistic ground by showing us the human side to our beloved sporting heroes.

Sportsweak is often shocked by the fact that sportspeople are from the same genus as you and I.  The word “people” being in there is a good indicator, but thank goodness Sportsmail is on hand to remind us that they partake in the sort of activities that us simple plebs take for granted.

In a snapshot of just one day, here’s some revelations that are on the front page of the sports section.  Perhaps their ability to multitask being all-round super-duper sportsfolk and an inspiration to us all with the sort of panic-inducing endeavours such as shopping in a supermarket, looking at a smiling child or remembering how to tie a double knot justifies their surprising salaries.

I know I couldn’t score the winning goal during my team’s shock cup success while wondering whether I had enough garlic cloves.  We are too quick to judge.

So here they are (well, footballers – other games aren’t real sport).  Fall at their feet for they are Gods:

Ronaldo buys Normal Food.

“[Ronaldo’s shopping] include[s] pineapple, cucumbers, salad, bananas, tomatoes, semi-skimmed milk and some lean mince.”

This was a double shock to Sportsweak.  I was under the impression that footballers lived off discarded shin pads and the crushed dreams of pushy parents.

Per Mertesacker able to Coordinate Steps. 

“Known as a shy retiring type, the Arsenal defender did his best to cover up on Monday afternoon as he ran errands in north London with his wife Ulrike Stange.”

It’s intriguing to read that the German international footballer’s wife, Ulrike Stange, is a German international handballer.  Apparently their first-born is a German international faceballer and Mertesacker’s convicted sex-pest Father is a German international testeballer.

M’Baye Niang doesn’t have a Car Crash and is not in Police Custody.

“A report in French newspaper Le Parisien claims that the player was not driving the vehicle at the time and was not in police custody as a result of the crash.”

It also goes on to tell us how the Ferrari was painted in the colour of Niang’s parent club AC Milan.  That’s more like the behaviour of the footballers we’ve come to know and envy, because I hear it’s very difficult to get hold of a Ferrari in that colour.  Show-off.

Manchester City Players get their Cars Cleaned.

“Alvaro Negredo takes a short walk to his car which has been prepared for the in-form striker.”

Mertesacker could only perform the walking action, whereas Alvaro has obviously become drunk on his own abilities and is using his new found swagger to goad his fellow title-chasers.  I have it on good authority than when he tried to start his car he had overdone his thinking for the day by having his car cleaned and walking.  Instead of performing a simple three-point turn, he forcefully pressed his face into the passenger seat head rest and urinated over the onboard sat-nav.

Fellaini hurts himself and can’t play.  Recovers.  Plays.

“The 26-year-old is nearing a first-team return, and Belgium’s physio Lieven Maesschalck said: ‘Marouane is desperate to get back on the pitch.’”

Sigh.