Sportsweak: Cristiano Ronaldo is radiating gamma rays from the decay of titanium-44

In no way a marketing ploy from sportswear giant Nike, it has come to light that Cristiano Ronaldo shares an uncanny resemblance to the remnants of a supernova.  Every England fan’s favourite winker has been able to find a sense of personal serenity by starlit training sessions that has brought him closer to extra-terrestrial life.

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What started out as a seemingly tired sports cliche, when a commentator dubbed a free-kick as if “from another planet”, has resulted in Ronaldo’s realisation at his ability to communicate on a astronomical level with constellations far beyond that of the trappings of the modern game.  After the comment, his boot makers were quick to respond.

Cristiano was always looking to find a way of interpreting his kindred stellar passions with his work on the pitch and now, thanks to the marvel of digital printing on synthetic materials, has been able to express his personality and style of play through the medium of footwear.

Ronaldo uses his fingers as antennae to communicate with celestial beings.
Ronaldo uses his fingers as antennae to communicate with celestial beings.

Accompanied by a video that perfectly juxtaposes his sprinting ability with vintage film of a monkey on a boat, it is believed that this short video is the first in a suite that shows Ronaldo’s passing prowess alongside a giraffe in a sportscar and his magical dribbling interspersed with images of a muskrat playing table tennis.

The Portuguese superstar wipes some ectoplasm on Bale's palm for good luck.
The Portuguese superstar wipes some ectoplasm on Bale’s palm for good luck.

The “celestial body that radiates energy” (or Ronaldo to his team mates) is going to prove that aliens are crap at the beautiful game when he dons his new boots and leaves Real Madrid next summer to join Alpha Centauri Wanderers on a season-long loan.

Either that, or we’ve all been staring at those new boots for the last ten minutes.

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