My dad went to the UK and all I got was this malformed kidney

Hello.

Welcome back to Mail land. Welcome to Today’s Mail.

Daily_Mail_newspaper_front_page

Comin’ over here, stealin’ our health. 

Don’t you just bloody hate the NHS?

If they aren’t accidentally leaving a surgical goat inside an OAP or microwaving some guy’s kids, they’re nearly always leaving a disabled to die in a corridor or mistakenly giving a skinny person a gastric band. Yes, the NHS are shit, but you get what you pay for right?

Well. Not quite.

Y’see, the Mail have informed me today that there are hordes of sickly tourists waiting out in ‘Europe’, foaming at the beak to get into the UK and finally have that corn seen to on the NHS gravy train, all at the expense of the downtrodden old British taxpayer. The Health Tourists are coming!

I have to admit I’m glad they explained health tourism in the article as I had originally interpreted it as people going to the Isle of Wight for the weekend to witness the opening of a Fitness First.

Apparently, because we keep treating them, the health tourists keep pouring in, and the NHS are just making it easy for them. Throwing donated hearts at the nearest border, offering aftercare across Europe and paying for flights to and from the country (as long as you can prove you were ill on board) are just a few of the ways that the NHS bend over backwards for these infected outsiders. It really does seem that, as long as you’re foreign, there is such a thing as a free tracheostomy.

With this in mind, the Mail revealed a survey released today which estimates that health tourism’s ‘true cost to taxpayers is 100 times bigger than some estimates‘.

The true cost is 100 times bigger than some estimates‘. As I considered this I realised the fact that any estimate, even if that estimate is that the true cost of health tourism is 1% of the NHS budget for that period, means that all of the NHS budget for that period has immediately been spent. If this estimate is to be believed, than all of the money disappears the very moment any estimate is made.

I didn’t even want to consider the fact that the actual true cost of health tourism, if today’s survey is to be believed, is actually 100 times bigger than the estimate in today’s survey. 100 times bigger than 100 times bigger than the original 1% that I estimated.

So as soon as any estimate into the true cost of health tourism is made not only do we lose all of the NHS budget but we also owe the health tourists money? Screw it, I say we’re better off not knowing.

Kailish Chand, of the British Medical Association, said: ‘There is little evidence that health tourism is a significant burden on the NHS. THe £40 million written off by hospitals in England and Wales over the last four years is approximately 1% of the NHS budget for that period.’ 

We’re all fucked.

Newsburst

No…It can’t be them…Can it? – spoiler alert: it’s not. Yet the Mail still devote a two page spread to some royal lookalikes in a bath with a baby. Surely that space would be better used shouting at women or gays or something?

Side saddle is riding high again – I don’t know what any of this means. Apparently riding side saddle is back in fashion for women. To me this seems like a news report from Middle Earth. I’ve never meet any women that has an opinion on a horse.

Clone cure for baldness – This is brilliant, but when are they going to get around to curing baldness for humans? As far as I’m aware there’s only one clone on the planet and that’s a bloody sheep.

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