Daily Mail says: ‘F*** you internet!’

Today I remembered a time when I read books.

I also read comics back then.

Now all I read is The Daily Mail.

Everything is awful now.



Shock news! Today David Camerameron attacked facebook with a kosh for being a hive of scum and villainy of equal landmass to Mos Eisley. In a thrilling turn of events the PM launched himself at Facebook brandishing drab knives, foaming at the mouth and screeching bloody obscenities in a vain effort to physically destroy a virtual social network.

Prime Minister Davey is upset because Facebook have refused to remove a video of a live beheading but have taken down all of the hot breast feeding vids. While he likes to see the future of Britain at the teet, he’s enraged by the fear that young ‘uns seeing these beheading videos will forcibly will their own heads off in an effort to ‘get the celebrity look’, so he’s double angry.

Facebook claim that they will remove any beheading videos being posted for sadistic pleasure, but at the same time they will not take down any videos being used to condemn or highlight the atrocity of the act. This seems like a sound tactic, until you read that the video they are refusing to remove is called: ‘ZOMG! Challenge: Can anybody watch this video?

Unperturbed by his futile attempt to smash with his fists something that is essentially just information, Camerameroon leveled up and took the fight to Twitter: ‘it’s irresponsible of Facebook to post beheading videos, especially without warning’. In reference to the missing breast feeding videos he also added: ‘They must explain their actions to worried parents.’

But he still doesn’t seem to have grasped that Facebook isn’t a real person. It doesn’t post anything. It’s a website. His confusion is understandable though, he’s a dick.

Resolute in the face of all this virtual anger, The Daily Mail hit the unlike button on Cameron and argued for harsher controls of the internet while at the same time having a good old moan about regulation of the press:

‘When a rouge newspaper group was caught hacking voicemail [David Cameron] invoked the full panoply of a judge-led inquiry to explore yet tighter controls on an industry struggling to survive…yet the unregulated internet with its sites promoting paedophilia, suicide, pornography, terrorism and every imaginable perversion, is the real threat to society’s well being in 2013’.

Arguing for and against freedom of speech all in one paragraph. Textbook Mail.


Guardian leaks ‘let terrorists escape’ – In another national security shit up The Guardian HQ’s dodgy plumping allowed terrorists to escape police clutches again. When some piping outside liberal HQ burst all over the scene of a high octane police chase the pursuing officer’s clothes got really wet, making it very hard for them to run fast. Subsequently the terrorists escaped.

Don’t cry Ruby, you might be the next Nigella – Charles Saatchi has announced that he was so impressed with Ruby’s performance on GBBO that he’d really like to strangle the life out of her. Marriage is optional.

British Gas sacked me in hospital bed – Today it was revealed that the boss of energy giant British Gas would always ask staff to climb into a hospital bed with him before sacking them. ‘It was the only way I could do it’, he said, ‘I can only say ‘you’re fired’ when top and tailing’. 

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