Sportsweak: Football to include fat subs

The cream of Daily Mail’s sportswriters came together this week in an attempt to determine once and for all what makes for the greatest atmosphere in football.

Their control for this socio-scientific study was the understated and reserved analogy of Borussia Dortmund’s Manager Jurgen Klopp, in reference to the Westfalenstadion’s home support:

“It’s very narrow. It’s a bit like when you are born and your mother is… (he makes a face as if in pain)… and then you come out and see the best of the world. It’s everything, like the sun going up”

"I can see the Kop!"
“I can see the Kop!”

So how did the land’s finest sporting rhetoricians fare when challenged with relaying their atmospheric delectations of the fine game?  Let’s find out:

Liverpool v Chelsea (Anfield, May 2005)
“Christ it’s loud.  Susan?  SUSAN?!”

Liverpool v Chelsea (Anfield, May 2005)
“The stadium turned into a giant beach ball and set off towards Toxteth.”

Everton v Liverpool (Pre-1990)
“Back in the old days, football supporters loved each other.  Regardless of rivalries and derbies, often the home terraces would cheer on the away fans.”

Feyenoord Stadium, Rotterdam
“I like a banging soundtrack to my football.  Chuck in some agro with the filth and some life-saving equipment and I’m anybody’s.”

South Korea v Poland (Busan, June 2002)
“I love it when fans leave a stadium to grab hold of the foundations and attempt to destroy everything they hold dear.”

Ferencvaros v Anderlecht, (Champions League qualifying, 1995)
“25,000 Woody Harrelson impersonators and moments of silence.”

Stade Velodrome, Marseille
“The atmosphere is so good, the home supporters turn on each other.”

Maksimir Stadium, Zagreb
“Susan?  SUSAN?  I’ll meet you… I said: I’LL MEET YOU BY THE… Oh, never mind.”

Boca Juniors v River Plate (La Bombonera, May 2008)
“F*ck football, bring on some guns and a brass band.  Why are we bothering with this stupid game anyway? Nobody can seriously support a team with a name like River Plate.”

What conclusion was drawn from this meeting of mighty media minds?  Sod the football, it’s all about the volume and the violence.  The panel will be presenting their findings to the FA next week, where they will suggest that most Premiership teams could avoid the burden of horrendous players’ wages by cancelling matches and sticking a bass bin and a nuckle duster under every seat.

The FA unveil the new Premier League logo
The FA unveil the new Premier League logo

It worked for Crown Green Bowling, so why not football?


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