Grandmother catches storm forging signature! Storm gives women cancer!

Sometimes everything seems pointless.

Sometimes I wish that my alarm clock would wake me up by glassing me back into oblivion rather than forcing me to get up and face the torment of ‘outside’.

Sometimes the existential black dog that hides under every sad rain cloud comes gunning for you, blood dripping from its teeth and your scent firmly planted in its nostrils.

But sometimes The Daily Mail offers guaranteed cash or Lego to every reader!

Sometimes dreams really do come true.

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Fuck you, you left wing storm!

Grandmother, cat taxidermist and lover of small porcelain crayons Lorraine Kane triggered a major probe into alleged electoral corruption when she revealed today that her family had been signed up to the Labour Party without their consent by the U.K.’s first bastard super storm.

Claims were made that the Unite union (more red than a period) and Ed Miliband (over cheeked Siamese separation operation survivor) are in cohorts with sentient weather. Using the chaos seen around the country last Monday as cover, this ‘weather coalition’ proceeded to sign hundreds of families up to the Labour Party, to rig votes, in a gutsy move labelled ‘edible’ by British politics very own spina bifida baby Lembit Opik. Mrs Kane claims to have witnessed the storm trying, a number of times, to forge her signature before Milliband approached and passed the cack handed disturbed state of atmosphere a bag of money and patted it on the cock for a job well done. It would seem that the plan is to sign everybody in the UK up to the Labour Party in the hopes that they’ll keep voting that way out of ‘loyalty’.

Said Mrs Kane: My signature is made by placing both thumbs together over the pen and twisting downwards into concentric circles. Something that’s quite easy if you have hands.  The idiot wind must have been there for hours. She laughed while offering children boxes of Tena Lady.

David Cameron, reacting to these fresh allegations but still trying to look popular, pulled over his Renault Twizy, punched off his Google glasses and said: I Wanna drop a 187 on this crip, I be trying to hate the game the game but the player’s got such a kickable face. Calm down dear, I be dropping truth bombs fo’ sure.

Nobody understands him anymore. He’s a dick.

Milliband refused to comment, but did gurgle into a cup and slap an aide with his tie.

Penalty Shit Out

In celebrity news Sven Goran Eriksson continues to get ‘dirtier than a Halal kitchen’ with the publication of his sexy autobiography ‘Confessions of a Football Manager’. The book is being serialised in The Mail ahead of its feature film release next summer, starring Neil Morrisey as Sven.

In the interests of the british public, here is a sample:

I pushed down on slot A with screw F before realising that this job could not be completed in less than an hour without two men, but I continued regardless. She had began to shake nuts E & K laboriously, like a wet dog drying its coat, she jumped slightly whispering ‘Billy Bookcase’. I quickly finished my cigarette, said ‘extra time’ and inserted protrusion K, it was at this point that I wished the instructions had come in Swedish, she had a look on her face like a full moon.  It was here that Ulrika stopped me and asked me to describe cogs to her in English, at this point I had not mastered the word ‘circular’ so the following hour was difficult. Looking back, I think she had done this to mock me…

Newsburst

Murder police quiz man after car mows down girls – Bad police! Even I can see they should be looking for a car

When will Dave show his claws? – Peter McKay continues to pile pressure on with his growing ‘Cameron is a ferret’ campaign 

Now Brussels want to suck the suction from our vacuum cleaners – The Mail riles against news that a delegate from Brussels will be touring British houses and sucking on their vacuum cleaners until they conform to EU regulations. Is there nothing those bastards won’t do?

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