MiniTrue – The Great British Bake Off Special

Uh-Huh Honey! So the big CULTURE NEWS in the US today might involve the KKK (KanyeKimKardashian) engagement but over here nothing can topple the might of the Great British Bake Off Final tonight.

So to celebrate I’ve decided to go back through the Daily Mail coverage of BBC2’s most celebrated show since Going Live! to see how right or wrong they got it.

Three, Two, One….Bake!

3, 2, 1...BAKE! (Image Courtesy Scalio / Flickr)
3, 2, 1…BAKE! (Image Courtesy Scalio / Flickr)

EPISODE 1:

VICT-GORE-IA SPONGE! FLESH FANCIES! SINEW STRUDEL!
Alasdair Glennie was horrified at the amount of accidental cuts suffered in the kitchen this year dubbing the show as having more gore than an episode of Casualty. Admittedly there were a few moments where contestents cut themselves and a blue plaster was shown on screen but it was hardly The Human Croquembouche. Surprisingly, it wasn’t just the splatter, our intrepid Mail reporter was even more upset that viewers were happy to see the blood, sweat and tears of #GBBO back on their screens. A man left.

EPISODE 2:

RUDDY HELL, IT’S SOFT MEL!

This week, Laura Cox didn’t discuss the show’s contestants at all but chose to focus on the fact that Mel Giedroyc, a Lithuanian immigrant no less, puts on weight if she eats cake. I’m not sure if it’s a quote from Mel but according to this piece she puts on weight by “gorging on cakes, bread and quiche”. None of this would be remiss if it weren’t for the fact that adorning the article highlighting the cheery Mel’s weight there is a huge advert for how to make a Jam Roly Poly. Subtlety is not doesn’t even come close! A woman left and Mary Berry has Bingo Wings!

Mail Reports Mary Berry Has Bingo Wings (Flickr / Vicious Bits)
Mail Reports Mary Berry Has Bingo Wings (Flickr / Vicious Bits)

EPISODE 3:

TITS LIKE A CURDLED BLANCMANGE!

Week three and coverage from Jim Shelley started us down the road of no return to baking euphemisms which all seem to involve the female contestants. This week we were treated to his ability to derive some kind of innuendo into anything. Beca’s surprisingly ‘tiny macaroons’ and the ‘beautiful shine on her ganache’ as well as Mark’s ‘weeping meringues’. However the star line from this week’s coverage is when Kimberley mentioned she’d not made Crème Anglais before but knew what it should look like, which Mr. Shelley believes most girls should apply to more than just cooking. A man and a woman left this week and Paul Hollywood wants to give it to Ruby, Star Baker that is!

EPISODE 4:

I DON’T KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THIS WEEK WAS ABOUT!

A man left this week. Also Christopher Stevens got confused whilst writing about the programme and explained that if #GBBO was a sitcom it would be available on Iplayer a week earlier and so we wouldn’t have to wait for the next episode. I got confused and had to lie down.

EPISODE 5:

RUBY NEEDS A MAN TO HELP UNCLOG HER SULLEN PIPES!

Daleks are Metrosexual. That’s right according to Jim Shelley, the Dalek cake cooked on this weeks show was “original and, um, metrosexual”. I don’t know how and neither does Jim but it’s exciting news for all those who like Fantasy, Dominatrix, Metrosexual fan fiction, Ex-Sperm-Inate indeed. A man left this week which was upsetting for Ruby who when trying to make a piping bag fluttered her eyelashes to try getting a man to do it.

Daleks Are MetroSexual According to Jim Shelley (FLickr/Jonoakely)
Daleks Are MetroSexual According to Jim Shelley (FLickr/Jonoakely)

EPISODE 6:

PAUL HOLLYWOOD EXPOSES RUBY (aka HITLER) FILLINGS!

Jim Shelley is back again this week highlighting more double entendres (Sticky Buns, Exposed Fillings and more) and likening philosophy student, Ruby Tandoh, to a slutty war criminal in the proceedings. That’s right he likens her to Mata Hari, an exotic dancer who was convicted as a German spy and executed for war crimes killing more than 50,000 men. Basically he called her BITCHLER! A man left, he wasn’t responsible for war crimes but he used hemp in a tea loaf so was probably a leftie!

EPISODE 7:

GREAT BRITISH BLOKE OFF!

Controversy abounds this week as Glenn is voted off leaving an entirely hormonal, x chromosome cast of contestants. Mail Online writer, Alisdair Glennie, is aghast at the blatant sexism apparent in the favouritism towards women on the show despite two out of three past winners being male and an abysmal baking week for Glenn. He is backed up by celebrity chef Nigel Slater who tweeted he was sad to see Glenn go which supposedly amounts to complaining about the rampant sexism on the show. A man left this week, as if you didn’t fucking know everyone’s complaining about it!

Sexist Show as No Men Left For Week 8 (Flickr / krawallmaedchen)
Sexist Show as No Men Left For Week 8 (Flickr / krawallmaedchen)

EPISODE 8:

HAVE YOUR SPOTTED DICK AND EAT IT CHRISTINE!

This week was all ‘Carry on Baking’ which you can read all about here;

MiniTrue – Culture You Can Swallow

A woman left cause there’s no men left!

EPISODE 9:

PRINCESS DIANA TURNED US INTO A NATION OF PUSSIES!

No, I’m not lying. Quentin Letts of Mail Online managed to shoe-horn Princess Diana into a piece about #GBBO. In this week’s Semi-Final choux-down, Kimberley (the quiet one), Frances (she of little substance), Ruby (the holocaust harlot) & Beca (the one who’s too welsh) were just too plain emotional. According to Letts, we should remember what it means to be British and keep a stiff upper lip, not cry about every little emotion. Wellington, Kipling & Windsor all knew how to act in the face of war, suffering and death, with grace and no discernible care for others. Then after the Labour 90’s we’ve all become like Diana Princess of Wales, emotional wankers who cry about nothing and hate Welsh people! Thanks Great British Bake Off for bringing this to our attention. A woman left this week because she was too Welsh.

Princess Diana - The Cause Of All Our Tears? (Flickr / Thragor)
Princess Diana – The Cause Of All Our Tears? (Flickr / Thragor)

EPISODE 10:

TEARS, TITS AND TWITTER TANTRUMS FOR TASTY FINAL TRIO!

It’s all to play for tonight with three surprisingly strong contestants despite having their strengths (Ruby = Her Looks, Kimberley = Determination & Frances = Style) and their weaknesses (Ruby = Her Lifestyle, Kimberley = Over Determination & Frances = Can’t cook without Ikea bags full of equipment) dissected by DAILY MAIL REPORTER online.

Let’s hope this final has as much drama, war, genocide, blood and Princess Diana as the rest of the series, altogether now… BAKE!

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