London 2050: A wobbling mess of massive dead eyed lard monsters


When someone finds out I’m reading the Daily Mail their reaction is normally ‘are you a racist yet?’ Which, as far as questions go, is a pretty shitty icebreaker. However, the tacit racism that I’ve chosen to rub all over my face on a daily basis isn’t the thing that’s getting me down the most, the one thing that’s really starting to tattoo itself across my soul is the ‘shock fatigue’.

Every day I’m faced with another ‘shock report‘, a hot slice of ‘doomsday scenario‘, or a fresh pan of ‘nightmares of causality‘. Regardless of whether it’s the white bread brand that’s trying to turn England into a Muslim paradise or the French sneaking bad donkeys into UK horse skins, everyday The Daily Mail wheels out another banal, dead eyed 90’s RnB style threat to Cricket and Bruce Forsyth and everything England holds dear.

It’s exhausting.

My jaw is ageing at twice the speed of the rest of my body due to hanging agape so fucking often.

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Hey Fatty. Put down that Jaffa Cake and read this!

Today’s ‘doomsday scenario’ has come about from the simple fact that you people won’t stop bloody eating. You won’t stop bloody eating and it’s killing you, killing you and everyone around you. By 2050 over half of the UK population will be obese and it’s all your fault because you’re one of them. But you don’t care that do you? You’re hungry aren’t you? I bet you’ve got a pasty on the go right now, just to ‘give you the energy to use the keyboard’. Just microwaving a chicken to ‘tide you over till breakfast’ are you?

You people make me sick.

A shock report published today by the National Obesity Forum simply repeated the words ‘The UK is crazy fat’ 500 times. Edwin Middlemannn of Croydon, as if trying to prove the report’s point, spent four hours rolling around on his back in the Whitgift Centre because he’d fallen and couldn’t raise his ubiquitous girth from the crisp sodden floor, while women in Thanington Whithout reported being bloated ALL DAY. Things are at crisis point.

It’s official, Great Britain is a lard sodden flesh hole. In fact, the only thing only thing ‘Great’ about Great Britain is its population’s BMI (zing!). Yes, according to today’s Mail, the grand old U of K is filled to bursting with waddling pig skins who breastfeed their children KFC mega buckets and are confused about how to eat properly, meat shapes who spend their days relentlessly shovelling margarine into the gaping chasms in their faces thinking they’ve taken the ‘healthy option’ by removing the wrapper. And according to the experts, it’s only going to get worse, Alabaster Lessfat, a cardiologist, stated today that this is ‘the greatest threat to health worldwide, as the population of the UK get too fat for our tiny Island they’ll simply start choking other nations with their girth’. In short, we’re all fucked.

The situation is so bad that Jamie Oliver is constantly vomiting: ‘Everywhere I look, all I can see is people who have stuffed balloons into their skin, I’m so sad I can’t play the drums anymore’. 

The only problem with all of this is that the report isn’t in any way based in fact. This is the only report of its kind that takes into account people who will be fat in the future.  The report states that people get fatter as they age, therefore, it can be said that everybody in the UK that is skinny now will be obese in the future. Therefore everybody in England is obese.

Using this same logic we can say that everybody in the world was, at one point, a child. Therefore if you’ve ever had sex on, with or near another human being you’re a pedophile. That’s not me calling you a pedophile, that’s the National Obesity Forum. The National Obesity Forum is calling you an obese pedophile. You gonna let that happen?

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