STOP EATING, START CUTTING

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Firstly, I just have to get this off my chest. If surnames are all derived from somewhere then where the fuck did ‘Dickinson’ come from? Was a Celtic father found with his scabbard buried deep into his first born male heir? Was incest so common that people thought it would be socially acceptable to highlight inter-generational, familial buggery in such a way? Do people with the surname Dickinson not change their name by deedpoll as soon as they start Secondary school? It’s very bizarre and I had to share that with you educated readers, please let me know any trivia in the comments below. Anyway…

Hello MiniTrue fans, I hope you’re well. Are you eating your lunch? Are you working an 8+ hour day with a designated time somewhere in the middle that you thought was for sustenance foraging? Are you waiting in line at Pret A Manger or some pretentious, over-priced cafe where all the food is soaked in barley, quinoa and breast milk coulis? I thought so. Well guess what? The Daily Mail has revolutionised your lunch hour. The ‘Femail’ writer Katy Winter has opened up your world in that precious hour when you’re not glued to a monitor. Mail Online has found a way to stop you eating at lunchtime and improve not just your buns and tums but the areas of your body you didn’t even know about.

NO MORE KNINKLES: NOW THERE’S A £500 LUNCHTIME LIFT TO BANISH THAT SAGGY SKIN 

Kninkles - These Could Be Your Legs (Flickr /Heather & Mike)
Kninkles – These Could Be Your Legs (Flickr /Heather & Mike)

Kninkles. That’s knee wrinkles to you shallow mother-fuckers with no self awareness or feminist knowledge of the power of beauty. As the article points out, Kninkles are one of the biggest signs of aging along with liver spots and a catheter. They are the bane of your life and we can’t believe you’ve let them get so out of hand, you look older than Helen Mirren and you’re only 32. Lucky for you we’re at hand to highlight all of the mythical minefield areas of your body that you have let slide. Just imagine what the tops of your legs would have looked like if we hadn’t told you about the thigh gap? They would have looked like the two fat, clay-mation bikers from Michael Jackson’s ‘MoonWalker’ film squeezed into fabric, enveloping your vulva like nuzzling whales on a coat-of-arms for SeaWorld. Your legs would have looked shit.

Knife Yourself To Beauty (Flickr / aka Quique)
Knife Yourself To Beauty (Flickr / aka Quique)

Well praise be to Mail Online for bringing the shitty bits of your bodies into the spotlight, and be mindful this is only targeted at women because male knees age beautifully. When old men put their knees together it’s like a baby’s bottom which is why so many elderly male relatives sit grandchildren on their knees cause it’s soft like a fucking cloud alright? That’s fucking science, OK WOMEN? So, below is a list of the other areas of your body that you need to tone up, trim down, cut to pieces, pump full of chemicals and generally mangle into a state of beauty. Nip Tuck or No Fuck as they say in LA.

PULPY PERINEUM  = FATTY DEPOSITS BETWEEN YOUR VULVA AND ANUS

FOLLICINKLES = WRINKLES UNDER THE SKIN WHERE YOUR HAIR GROWS FROM

COOKIE JAR LIDS = CHUBBY EYELIDS

LUNAR LOBES = TOO MANY HELIXES ON YOUR OUTER EAR RESEMBLING CRATERS

EPIGLOTTITS = LARYNX WHICH RESEMBLES A BREAST OR NIPPLE

METATARESHOLES = CELLULITE ON THE TOP OF YOUR FEET

SCRAPULA = LACK OF TANNING UNDER YOUR ARMS

PAREIDOLICOOCH = THE IMAGE OF A FACE IN YOUR VAGINA

Beauty, Glamour & Personality (Flickr / spike55151)
Beauty, Glamour & Personality (Flickr / spike55151)

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

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