Quick, someone throw a brick. It’s only the bloody Chinese.

Hello world

Welcome me back with open arms. Wide arms.

I think a cuddle might be just the thing to make me feel less stabby.

Hands up who volunteers to cuddle the guy with a copy of the Daily Mail in one hand and a knife in the other?

Daily_Mail_16_12_2013

Step back China, you’re standing on my dick.

Who here remembers the Chinese? I have to admit that I’m the kind of person that always forgets they exist until someone hands me a plastic car or an alkaline battery, then it all comes flooding back.

Unlike me The Daily Mail remembers the Chinese, they remember the chinese like a bitch. I mean, how could they forget them? they pull a face like a cat getting ‘its pump on’ just thinking about those little meat faces, tonal based language sets and all the politeness. Yes, Chinese people are both foreign and communist and, to The Mail, that’s akin to accidentally having a sexual relationship with someone who works at Eddie Stobart.

Hot allegations made today claim that the UK are wasting money by giving millions of pounds to China in aid that they don’t need. The Chinese, for their part, just laugh and carry on swimming around in a giant vat of pounds like an ethnic Scrooge McDuck,  while we stupidly throw money at them like it’s someone we hate with a disease that we’re scared to touch.

While giving money to foreigners alone is normally enough to start a metaphorical teenage hormonal fire in the belly of The Daily Mail, these fresh stats have then thrown a metaphorical can of gas on said fire by showing it a metaphorical One Direction video causing the teenage aspect of the aforementioned fire to build into a frenzy and start smashing the metaphorical place up. Metaphorical people died while the building burned down, while cats and kids made of metaphor were badly hurt. But who cares about them? they aren’t real.

The Chinese just aren’t third world-y enough to deserve our money. When was the last time a Chinese person died of dysentery? Did George Michael ever make a charity single for Beijing? Fuck No!  These people don’t need our aid, they make batteries. China is a superpower, the Chinese people are surrounded by Ipods, they make the goddamn things. Have you ever seen a charity advert where the little starving kid is rocking some Limp Bizkit on his Beats headphones? No. There’s a reason for that.

Littlejohn had this to say: It’s the geographical equivalent of one of those buskers you see with £16,000 guitars. I’m not giving those Chinese twits any money until they sell that Fender Strat they’ve been hiding under that sleeping bag. It should be written in law that if you have Itunes in your country then you can’t be on the aid list. Screw ’em, just wait for a Tsunami.

Just days before The Daily Mail ask ‘Why are we giving money to the Chinese?’ it was revealed that, in a massive display of wealth, the Chinese government have just landed a rocket on the moon. The Mail can today reveal the contents of said rocket: Pound coins. In a massive fuck you to Old Blighty, the Chinese government have been storing the 27m pound coins donated by the UK taxpayers in aid money over the last year and have just blasted them to the moon in a shitting rocket. Apparently they were aiming for the sun.

A government official was quoted in saying: Fuck you whitey!

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