SHUT UP PROLETARIATS! YOUR MAIL KNOWS BEST

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

You think you’re so fucking smart, right? oooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo       You think if you wear an item of clothing you know what it says about you, right?                                                                             You think if you meet with an ex-lover or an old friend you know the feelings in your own heart?                                             You think you have any idea what goes on inside that silly little head of yours? Well you don’t.

Have no fear, for Mail Mother is here for you. Mail Mother will spit on your cheek and rub off the chocolate stains.  Mail Mother will tell you who to love and what your friends really think about you.

MAIL MOTHER KNOWS BEST. Sleep well children.                                                                                                                                                                                                                     

Mail Mother Discipline Up In Here (Flickr / antefixus21)
Mail Mother Discipline Up In Here (Flickr / antefixus21)

So this week, MiniTrue’s ‘Mail Mother’ has cast her beady eye across Showbiz and told her brainless brood exactly what to think. Listen up celebrities, we’re watching you!

DIDN’T YOU SPLIT UP? JAMES NESBITT & ‘ESTRANGED’ WIFE SPOTTED AT HOBBIT PREMIERE

James Nesbitt, he of Cold Feet, The Hobbit and the one about deep sea mining just doesn’t know when to give up! He is also incapable of understanding the inner workings of his heart and the relationship he has with the mother of his two children. What kind of DumbleDick goes to a film premiere with a women he no longer gets blowjobs from? The two children they share and years of friendship are not a good enough reason. You spilt up Jimmy! Mail Mother says you should go stag & she’ll give you a toothless good time.

ALEXANDRA HOLLYWOOD HAS ABSOLUTELY, UNDENIABLY & WITHOUT A DOUBT GOT BACK WITH PAUL ‘SLEAZEBAG BUT SEXY’ HOLLYWOOD

The last year of infidelity, public breakups and Paul Hollywood’s leering behaviour on Great British Bake Off (See Our Delicious MiniTrue Coverage of GBBO here) means nothing. All that matters is a lady, who used to be married to a man, went for dinner, gave the man a hug and has a ring on. He’s a silver-haired fox who can make butter melt and then bake a scone with it, of course he’s winning her back and she’s falling for it. Ready, Set, BAKE! Mail Mother knows he won’t leave Alex with a soggy bottom!

GARNER’S NOT AFRAID OF CARBS OR LOVING HER CHILDREN

Jennifer Garner, who I imagine is an actress or model or singer, may well be in love with carbs. Ms. Garner may well have a sexual relationship with carbs. There’s even a remote possibility that she entices her offspring into eating the dreaded carbs. One thing we do know about Jennifer Garner is, she’s not afraid of carbs. It’s unlikely that the picture Mail Online snapped of her solemnly carrying her children and clutching a carb filled baguette is evidence of her facing her fears. This woman just isn’t afraid of them! Mail Mother knows a blinkered, fearless fool when she sees one. Be afraid Garner, be very afraid.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

All The Girls Love Mr. Hollywood (Flickr / Natman)
All The Girls Love Mr. Hollywood (Flickr / Natman)
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