SWALLOW THIS YOU CULTURE JUNKIES

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Ian Watkins - Sex Offendor (Flickr / sam_stott)
Ian Watkins – Sex Offender (Flickr / sam_stott)

Punnilingus (n): 

  • To arouse or entertain an ignorant party using coy wordplay or meaningless play-on-word references.

People are stupid. People need news. This is our motto over here at Mail HQ. People need news that they can stomach because the world can be  a cruel, unrelenting place.

PAEDO-HORROR: NU-METAL LEAD SINGER CHARGED WITH 13 SEXUAL ASSAULT CHARGES INCLUDING 2 FOR RAPING A BABY

Imagine reading that. Imagine reading that Ian Watkins had raped a baby in those cold harsh terms. Imagine having to take in news in such a clear, unbiased and direct manner. Imagine having to face up to the reality of news with no buffer. It just doesn’t bear thinking about does it?

ENFANT TERRIBLE: EVIL SHINOBI VS. CUTE DRAGON NINJA RESULTS IN PEACHES GELDOF TWEET FAIL

Now wasn’t that easier to stomach? Wasn’t that a nicer way to read that someone had sexually assaulted a 12 month old child? Doesn’t the world feel a better and safer place to live now? The government will sort out all the evil people, the army will sort out the non-English people and The X-Factor will stop the polar ice-caps melting. The Daily Mail is the new Buddhism.

Here are some of the easier to stomach, completely true play-on-word headlines from the world of Showbiz this week;

THE ONLY WAY IS BUSH-EX?

Is this a political attack on the Obama Administration? Is Mail Online showing its political colours by harking back to the days of 9/11 and the War on Terror? No, someone called Chloe from The Only Way is Essex fell into a bush.

FEELING AUS-SOME!

Hugh Jackman has cancer. A lot of people have cancer. Do we need information about cancer awareness? Do we need statistics about preventive, medicinal measures? No, we need to make a pun about his country of origin of course!

PROJECT RUN-AWAY! HEIDI KLUM SHOWS NO FEAR

It took me ages to get this one. I was trying to work out if it was to do with Boris Johnson, his IQ test and plans for a fifth London Airport or maybe to do with jet engine emissions. It’s not. She’s a model. Runway model. She held a tarantula. Arachnophobia. It just writes itself this stuff doesn’t it?

HAIR ‘MARE: KATE GARRAWAY SUFFERS FROM FLAT LOCKS

Slightly simpler train of thought this one, she had a “hair nightmare”. What’s more important is that this unkempt presenter turned up to work carrying her belongings in a blue plastic bag! This news headline should have read; ‘THIS WHORE-NING’! What kind of unbelievable shit carries stuff around in a blue plastic bag? I can’t tell you how mad this ITV shitbag made me. If the article hadn’t been preceded by the pun-tastic headline, I think I would have killed someone.

THIS WEEK’S RELEASES

– There were albums and books and films released this week but they don’t matter because they’re not TV or SHOWBIZ

Tearable Puns (Flickr / Ben+Sam)
Tearable Puns (Flickr / Ben+Sam)
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