I’m happy. You’re happy.
So let’s all pretend we’re not crying while our planet is slowly engulfed by the sun.
I still read the Mail, I welcome the end of everything.
Disgraced Co-op bank wanker Paul Flowers is an utter, utter bastard. A pink tie wearing, pie in the sky actor lookalike, rent boy shagging, pie mongering twitish b-wanker. Flowers, who was caught by the Mail on Sunday buying a veritable smorgasbord of drugs while also being the gay head of a lefty bank who enjoys rent boys is definitely, absolutely, positively a wrong-headed chubby faced deviant. FACT.
But now the Daily Mail have revealed Flowers also had close personal ties to the Labour party, sexy ties, ties with pictures of nude people on them. Said tubby fuck monster has been revealed to be BFF’s with both of the Eds, Balls and Miliband, he was also partial to a bit of the horse. He split his life between drugs, rent boys and doubles tennis with the Eds, sometimes all in the same afternoon. He had the Eds round for a sleepover, made up little songs about them and only made two friendship bracelets at the 2010 Co-op Croma away day, both of which were labelled ‘Eb’ it’s presumed that Flowers was so high on crack and young boys bums that he couldn’t spell the name. In an interview in 2006 he remarked: Ed has the softest hands, he tickles me when we play Fifa.
He refused to say which ‘Ed’ it was.
This close friendship, backed up by the Mail with interesting pictures of all three men at a formal gathering but far away from each other, totally, undeniably proves that the Eds joined Flowers having sex with crystal meth on a rent boy while singing show tunes, it also proves that everyone that works at the Co-op is a crack addicted commie tosser. It’s a logical progression and truly makes a well-rounded and absolutely convincing argument. I don’t think I can ever vote labour again. A vote for labour is a vote for crack.
It also makes me wonder just what the hell the Mail would make of this silly old picture…
Black faced morris dancers definitely not racist
In the most shocking thing that I’ve read since picking up my first copy of this goddamn paper the Mail today defended the actions of a group of Morris dancers who insist on wearing black face while performing their dance routine.
According to the Mail, the Morris men are just ‘upholding long-standing traditions and aren’t in any way racist at all, they’re just impersonating moorish pirates, they don’t burn crosses or anything, not until the second act’. Alfenstein Mcflamey, the leader of the dance troupe, who lists his profession as slave keeper, had this to say: Anyone who thinks we’re being racist is a racist. After all, we’re technically black, with the paint and everything.
Everyone loves upholding traditions don’t they? My favourite is female circumcision.
How violent crimes ‘are made to vanish like a puff of smoke’ – The recent spate of Ninja on Magician violence in Britain has been exposed despite all the evidence vanishing in a ball of dry ice.
Pensioners too slow for pelican crossings – Tests of the moving pelican crossing ended in the deaths of loads of old people after the speed was set to 55mph, an unnamed civil servant said this: Nooooo!
Fined, driver who knocked a cyclist off his bike and then boasted about it on Twitter – How dare they fine this brave public servant?