MiniTrue – Women Need a Slap…of Make-Up!

MINITRUE – CULTURE YOU CAN SWALLOW

Women! What the blazes are you playing at?!

In the last century we’ve given you everything. In the last century we’ve given you the illusion of equal rights. In the last century we’ve let you get your bestiality kicks with the King’s horse and pretended it was feminisim. We let you think one of your kind had got into Number 10 so you’d think gender politics were progressing. We’ve given you ample room in media to express your estrogen fuelled opinions, like on Loose Women or in our very own Femail section. We’ve given you opportunities to work for grown up companies and even be scientists, at lower salaries of course. We let you act the parts of women in plays and have even let you into stand-up comedy despite  critics informing us that women can’t be as funny as men. We’ve let you burn your braziers. We’ve let you wear cone-shaped braziers. We’ve let you appear on Page 3 without braziers. This year we’re even thinking of letting you expose those vile, milk dispensing teats in public so you can discharge the putrid liquid down the gullets of your newborn duty.

WE’VE GIVEN YOU EVERYTHING SO WHY CAN’T YOU THROWN ON SOME SLAP?!

Maggie - The Power of Some Slap (Flickr / mharrsch)
Maggie – The Power of Some Slap (Flickr / mharrsch)

That’s right, a plethora (oh yeah, I just used the word plethora in a really beautifully timed way) of celebrities (Hang on. I just want to clarify that I knew what the meaning of a plethora was before I saw ‘The Three Amigos’ film where El Guapo gives an accurate decription of what a plethora is to his henchman who has no idea. Glad that’s cleared up, let’s start again)

That’s right, a plethora (Props to me again) of celebrities have been unmasked this week, literally unmasked! These entitled shits had the nerve to show their natural faces in public despite knowing that it’s in the showbiz clause that they are to look perfect at all times. The only times acceptable for not being up to scratch is when we have carefully doctored their photos to create a campaign of love, hate or pity for them, when did these stars become so self-centered?

Anne Hathaway has been caught with no make up on and having, of all things, a flushed pink face. The DAILY MAIL REPORTER seems to have noticed she has been working out and is quite complimentary of her body but has to point out the make-up free thing, who wouldn’t right? It also seems that a picture of the Dark Knight Rises star shown nearly dropping a baby is enough to speculate she maybe pregnant and will undoubtedly be a good mother. Thank god for fact based journalism, throw some Maybelline on Anne and maybe your unborn child will be born with it!

Kate Moss looks less than glossy as she arrives for Playboy photo session, without make-up! When will these employees of the nation understand that it doesn’t matter what you’re about to do you need to wear make-up? If you’re about to give birth, wear make up. If you’re about to eviscerate a tiger shark with Chief Brody to see if it has Chrissie Watkins’ remains inside, wear make up. If you’re about to take all your clothes off and be made up and lit by the most experienced magazine in the world at lighting and making up women without clothes on, wear your own make up first Kate! Luckily Judy Cogan of the Mail Online explains to us that Kate can be forgiven for looking less than glossy without make-up and proceeds to show us as many pictures as possible of the star trying to hide her face. Grab some Rimmel Kate, get the lackluster London look!

Women! We’re just trying to help you be liked and lucky in love. The FeMail section of MailOnline has published findings this week which prove that make up will make more people like you and help your chances in love. Some French neuro-scientist has said that make up will do these things and there’s no link to any research or statistics so it’s pretty much gospel. In the report it shows that even people in TOWIE style thick make up, although untrustworthy, are more likeable and attractive than any silly woman who chooses not to doll herself up. So don’t listen to these vacuous celebrities who are trying to look natural, they’re trying to make you unattractive and hated so they can steal your boyfriend and your jobs. Grab your mascara wands, your lipstick lightsabres and your foundation sponges and be yourselves, under a mask of make-up!

WOMEN! DON’T LET IMMIGRANTS AND CELEBRITIES WIN, WEAR MAKE UP.

Don't Let Immigrants Win, Wear Make-Up. (Flickr / Cowtools)
Don’t Let Immigrants Win, Wear Make-Up. (Flickr / Cowtools)
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