I realised today that I’ve been reading the Daily Mail for a month. Apparently I’m a racist now.
Welcome to a world where everybody stays in their own country and no new babies are born. People age until they are 75 and then stop and live forever.
Welcome to a city where women are not paid attention to, unless they are feminists having a go at other women.
Welcome to a street where pandas having miscarriages is fine but being famous and sweating is not.
Welcome to the Mail.
Dignity for the Elderly 2: Dignity for the Dead
Today the Mail unveiled the shocking news that the NHS is forcing old people to sit in supermarket trolleys for hours at a time before being seen. Poundland trolleys mind you, not anything dignified like a John Lewis trolley. This ongoing systematic abuse of OAPs has come to light due to investigations conducted this week by the The Mail using the freedom of information act and, when that took too long, getting some doctors really high and tickling them. NHS staff across the country are refusing health care to anyone over 60 unless they’ve sat in a supermarket trolley for a ‘jolly long time‘ or suffered a similar horrific abuse, all because GPs are bloody sick of seeing scenes like this:
It would appear that this ‘flagrant shit rubbing in faces campaign‘ is a direct response to the Daily Mail’s Dignity for the Elderly Crusade, the massive torrent of abuse beginning when 23-year-old surgeon Evident Michaels spat in an old person’s ligament during a routine knee replacement. Michaels had this to say: ‘The nearly-dead always look so bloody serene and happy, yet when no-ones looking they fuck off to The Daily Mail and tell them everybody’s trying to do them in. ‘I don’t think my wife is alive, young people exist, my wrinkled arms are pleasant’ I, for one, have had enough. I’m going to give them something to moan about. I’ve got a trolley and I’m going to take away their shoes if I get a chance.’
Commentators are shocked at the treatment seen so far, with one elderly patient being forced to draw a picture of a horse in charcoal on a live horse and being told to ‘start again‘ for 71 hours and 34 minutes – all but three days. ‘Patients who are forced to undergo this kind of treatment will probably grow a snapped bladder and lose muscle definition on their hips. They’ll end up looking like run over foxes’ said Hanns Hands of Patient Concern ‘We’ve heard that old people in the North East are being coated in breadcrumbs and forced into a pigeon coup before being allowed to pick up prescriptions. One big peck from a man-sized pigeon is enough to finish your average Anthony Hopkins. It’s literally a worst case scenario’. Other abuses suffered include Mike Ridgebit from Slough having Piri Piri Pot Noodle stitches put into a wound under his nose and Susanneannean Dover-Sole being made to eat bandages, Richard Littlejohn had a cry about that one.
David Cameron tweeted: Screw ’em. They’ll be dead before the next election. I’m off to polish some gold.
Midwives ‘put baby in stationary cupboard’ – Nobody seems to believe they thought the baby was a pen. Despite them being able to write their signature with it.
80 executed for watching soaps – Bad Korea gets weirder as Kim Jong Son orders the execution of anyone caught looking at soap. Hygiene levels have decreased exponentially as people are forced to wash with their eyes closed.