The Summertime Double Elderly Special

I’m slightly behind at the moment, but fact is as I’m doing this for a year it’s gonna happen every so often.

Let’s take a trip back in time to yesterday’s Mail!

As yesterday is behind us we can take this time to look back and reflect. To think about how simple we were back then, to look at our mistakes and think about how far we’ve come.

There’s no way that today we’d abuse suffering animals just for fun, would we?

We wouldn’t taunt them at their most vulnerable, smashing their sad little emotions against the rocks and making them feel like furry malformed idiots, we’re above all that aren’t we?

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Take a long look at that Panda. She looks sad doesn’t she? Know why?

She’s just had a miscarriage.

Yeah. ‘Never mind sweetie, better luck next time‘.

Thank god we’re beyond that sort of thing now.

Bad Elderly (Mega Peado)

In big news: Jimmy Saville was never caught! Yesterday the Mail was flabbergasted to learn that during a police interview two years before his death The U of K’s greatest kid fiddler wasn’t discovered and arrested. But then again, it’s not surprising. The interview was conducted by women.

Stephen Wright of the Daily Mail said: ‘This is a massive blunder by the boys in blue. How can you send women to do an interview like this? it’s a miracle Saville didn’t abuse them’.  Transcripts of the interview released yesterday seem to have proven to the Mail that the Police investigation into Jimmy Saville was ineffectual, that he was treated with kid gloves.

And everyone knows that kid gloves are the worst gloves you can give to an accused peadophile.

Despite this, the Mail is backing plans to reanimate his corpse for the summer period once every three years. Saville’s demented meat sack will be allowed to roam Britian in a teenager cull that everyone hopes will really give them something to be afraid of. In an interview yesterday Boris Johnson stated ‘this should keep the little shits in order. Let’s see them riot with Jimmy bearing down on them with a fifteen inch hard on. Did I say hard on? Sorry I meant hard on‘.

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Good Elderly (Pensioners who keep their hands to themselves)

I’ve said it before, I’ll say again: The Daily Mail fucking loves the elderly.

But what they seem to love even more, is congratulating themselves on what a great job they are doing in helping the elderly not get stabbed to death by ‘bloody labour’ like Ed Milliband wants. As the government rethinks recent ideas about limiting loans to elderly people to those with less than £23,000 in the bank, the Daily Mail literally choked due to patting itself on the back really fucking hard. It even went so far as to print a column called ‘Praise for The Mail’s campaign’. I just wish someone would toss The Mail off so he could shut the fuck up.

Lord Lipsey had the final say on the matter with his commendation of The Mail’s Dignity for the Elderly campaign: ‘If poor elderly people get government help to be looked after before they die, then rich elderly people should bloody get some too. After all, I have no intention of being poor when I’m old. I’m not an idiot. Thanks to The Mail this won’t happen. The government can just shit off‘.

Then he strangled a fox with his bare hands.

Newsburst

Now three in five doctors aged under 30 are women – All of them would be better off knitting.

PC stole £23k from widow, 94 – The recent Packard Bell recall has not gone well. There are still a number of Easynote laptops in rural England that have ‘cyber arms’ and like a bit of stealing. Watch out. 

Labour’s new spokesman for women and a topless shoot at 15 – Neither of these things were related. But the headline had women in it so I guess they felt obliged to show breasts. 

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