Charlotte Church no longer slutty! #Sad Face

The best thing so far to come out of this ‘grand experiment’?

Yesterday I uttered the words ‘Don’t throw my Daily Mails away. I need them for scientific purposes!’

That’s goodness right there.

The worst thing to come out of this?

Giles Fucking Brandreth.

Giles Brandreth. That educated peacockian travesty of a man, that special kind of idiot who over pronounces every word as if his mouth were a morse code machine and he still hasn’t figured out the time difference between a dot and a dash. I absolutely hate him. He’s the only thing that can ruin an episode of The One Show for me.

So you can imagine my horror when I opened my Mail to find a column written by him. Try imagining the double horror when I found out that he writes in the same way he speaks, in my head I heard a tiny perfect copy of Giles Brandreth yapping at me with all the rage of Russia finding out Putin has taken power again. Worse still, he was discussing his favourite quotes. So the Brandreth in my head was ‘doing voices’.

It was not a good start to the day.

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She’s a big girl now

In a move The Sun will probably describe as ‘fucking unfair’, or possibly ‘busty’, Charlotte Church spoke out yesterday about the aggressive and accelerating sexualization of women in the music industry. While the majority of her comments reek of a bed ridden washout pissing all over the Miley Cyrus bandwagon, Church (whose Facebook bio reads: Who remembers Pogs?) speaking at the annual John Peel Lecture*  actually sounded a bit like a human being when she made statements like ‘[Women] are encouraged to present themselves as hyper-sexualised, unrealistic‘ and that ‘she regretted appearing in fishnet tights and a corset for the video of her single Call My Name aged 19‘.

Church, who shot to fame at 16 when The British Isles discovered she had breasts in addition to a bearable singing voice, seems to be promoting the idea that women, even those that are pretty, can be seen by society as more than two massive fatty deposits wobbling about on top of a warm hole.

She must be fucking mad.

Joking aside, it was at this point that I began to see Charlotte Church as a bone-fide person. Someone who had made mistakes in her life and learned from them. Someone who was more than an object, better than a lamp. Someone who wanted to be accepted for her merits and stand on the same level ground as all of us white heterosexual males. Someone who could be taken seriously.

Then I looked at the picture accompanying the article…

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 This comes hot on the heels of yesterday’s Romola Garai story. Romola was pictured recently with no make up on as part of a campaign to force supermarkets to stop selling ‘sexist’ men’s mags  (the Mail inserted those quote marks, not me). But rather than running with the contextual image at the front of the article, the Mail dug up photos of a decade old photo shoot she did for Esquire. If sexual equality being undermined by norks is something that turns you on, the whole story can be found here.

*Who the hell thought this was a good idea? Does having Charlotte Church give a speech honour the memory of John Peel in any way? Next year the John Peel lecture will consist of Busted digging up his corpse and using it as a wash rag while they write a punk song about a spunky waitress with a twitch. 

In other news

The hunt for Madeline Mccann’s kidnapper continues to have its throat slit by the news cycle. Groundbreaking news pours in as The Daily Mail can now actually report the news that they tried to report yesterday but was seemingly embargoed by Crimewatch, just like that time with the Iphone 5 release.

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After seven years of ‘detectiving’, police on the Madeline Mccann case have finally ruled out the ‘no face man’ as a suspect. Despite him being a medical impossibility the coppers continued the hunt for years, arresting anything without a face. Rocks, place mats and caving were all wrongfully detained as Portuguese police struggled to grasp slippery justice. The debacle finally culminated in a deranged shot out with American born ‘Man with no face’ Dallas Wayne. A statement about the incident from a shrugging Portuguese policemen went: ‘Oh! Ay aya ya. Me Know NATHING’.

Then the English police stepped in. Now all the E-fits have faces. Good job boys!

Newsburst

Panic that drove Britain to slaughter 750,000 family pets in one week –  September 1939 and Churchill’s war cabinet became convinced that all dogs were Nazi spies. Rather than take any chances all family pets were rounded up and gassed in a bold plan many have dubbed the ‘Collarcaust’.

Rasher of bacon a day can harm a man’s fertility – Doctors have discovered men are inserting bacon into the tips of their penises, a study has shown that this practise is bad.

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