The Fit, The E-fit and The Bene-fits

Hello friends,

I’ve now been reading The Daily Mail for a week, but my journey is far from over. At the end of the first week I sat down to quietly berate myself for everything I’d talked myself into. I lit some candles, got out my favourite hammer and some old milk, but then instead of the old ultra violence, I ended up defining the parameters of my quest. I have created a set of rules for myself to follow for the next year, in a futile attempt to stay sane:

1) I will read The Daily Mail every day for the next year. I will not read the Mail on Sunday, I need to draw the line somewhere. Okay, I might read The Mail on Sunday.

2) I will write a post for every Mail I read, but will probably write-up Friday’s and Saturday’s Mails together at some point over each weekend.

3) I will take a photograph of myself with every Mail I read as proof of life. These will be available to enjoy in the Gallery section of the site.

Enough about me. Let’s do this!
Daily_Mail_14_10_2013

The Fit

My favourite part of The Mail today was the true life story of one women’s struggle to overcome adversity, one women’s ordeal to fight the system. Buckle up, it’s Pussy Parrot Riot.

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As I sat on the train reading of a lone woman’s serialised struggle to convince the world of science that her parrot had advanced cognitive abilities I wept. As she realised that the one thing stopping her from being recognised by the scientific community was the love she harbored for her squawking spider infested boyfriend with a shit facsimile of feet I yelped in anguish. As the relationship turned sour and the parrot began withholding love and pissing on her scientific papers just to ‘push her buttons‘, I felt her pain.

And then I thought: The Daily Mail is fucking weird.

Seriously? In the middle of benefit fraud, Madeline Mccan and relentless recession we get this?  A torrid love affair between a woman and a parrot in graphic detail? (for anyone wondering, the sex was mainly oral, no full penetration). The Mail hate Muslims but don’t mind women with unhealthy obsessions with birds? This is just weird.

Right-wing, right-wing, right-wing WOMEN LOVE PARROTS! right-wing.

It’s such a harsh change of tone that I didn’t see it coming, like the end of Kill List.

The E-Fit

Guess who’s back?

Madeline Mccann!

Shit, sorry. That was really insensitive.

Just to clarify, Maddie isn’t back, she’s still definitely missing.

But the story is back!

As I type, Crimewatch plays in the background (Crimewatch is like a version of The Daily Mail that talks to you). I felt I had to watch it, after The Daily Mail’s big all new Maddie breakthrough consisted of a giant advert for Crimewatch. Apparently they have all the news and they aren’t sharing. All The Mail could do was report that Crimewatch has new news.

So today I watched my first episode of Crimewatch, another fucking milestone in my life.

Turns out Crimewatch doesn’t even need all this aggressive Maddie peddling to get viewers, I’d  recommend it for its double awesome theme tune alone:

Frustrated by this lack of real news, The Mail fell back on relentlessly calling a drawing of a man evil. They choose to run with the headline ‘Smirk of the Maddie suspect‘. The full stupidity of which really comes to the forefront when we remember that nobody at the Mail has ever seen the suspect, just the e-fit photo. If they had any integrity the headline would read: ‘smirking bastard computer generated peado’.

They also bashed Portuguese policemen a lot.

 & The Bene-fits

I could only read on in shocked horror as I stared at this morning’s front page, my mouth agape, as it dawned on me slowly that maybe, just maybe The Daily Mail doesn’t like foreigners.

David Cameron was warned last night of the growing problem of benefit claiming immigrants. Said immigrants are currently covering a land mass equivalent to the size of Glasgow and have grown into a singular horrible organism. This giant, pulsating, conjoined fleshy mess keeps signing on and moaning in a mixture of Polish and Yugoslavian and generally looking like a bad Cronenberg effect. After learning that this ‘foreign body‘ had already swallowed Portsmouth, Boris Johnson was heard to exclaim that ‘a day of reckoning will fucking come!‘ then he took up a Holy Spear,  jumped on the back of some twat walking out of Morrisons and galloped of into the sunset, never to be seen of again.

This is exactly the kind of political pressure David Cameron didn’t need.

Side note!

The Mail is changing me. Yesterday I found a legion that looked just like Paul Dacre.

Newsburst

Strictly fans’ fury over Corrie Star trained as dancer – In a complete misunderstanding of the rules of the programme, idiot fans of Strictly Come Dancing riot in the streets after learning that Natalie Gumede is being taught how to dance inbetween the live shows. An especially enraged member of the crowd set fire to a pair of Bruce Forsyth’s best tap shoes from 1973 that he had purchased on eBay, all the while screaming ‘It’s just not British!’

Amanda: I was sexually assaulted by top comic – Amanda Holden continues to downplay her failed marriage to Les Dawson

So will this £1,200 3D printer transform our homes or just drive us all dotty? – Translation: Furious old bastard can’t use technology, rather than admit that the only thing he’s good at is dying, man claims technology is useless.   

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