Today the Daily Mail is angry. Angry with Edward Snowden, the little shit. But it’s not just Snowden that’s riling them up, The Guardian, that famous birthplace of malnourished liberal children, also deserves a bloody good kicking. This latest furore comes hot on the heels of statements made by Andrew Parker, the head of MI5, that the Guardian’s recent publishing of Snowden’s leaked NSA security cables ‘amounts to printing a guide book for the best way to avoid detection when plotting an atrocity‘. I didn’t read it myself but it’s supposed to contain lots of amazing tips like: ‘don’t shout‘, ‘no heavy petting‘ and ‘do not like pictures of bombings on Facebook‘.
Claiming that the Guardian’s expose was like ‘handing a gift to terrorists‘ Parker and The Mail both condemned the abortion happy liberal clubhouse for essentially handing some terrorists a bomb, pointing at Big Ben and mumbling ‘wouldn’t that look better with a plane going through it?’
I really don’t have the heart to tell them that no self respecting extremist subscribes to the Guardian.
It really doesn’t matter that Snowden and The Guardian have exposed the systematic ongoing breech of human rights being conducted by the NSA, MI5 and others because we’ve already learned this week that, according to The Mail, the only people that deserve human rights are the elderly and none of them know how to use email, so it’s fine. Plus Snowden lied to the NSA, what kind of shit does that?
David Attenborough is a beef faced sideways smiling hemorrhage. An underwhelming state funeral waiting to happen. A crude suit disguised as a man watching animals. On top of all this, it turns out that the nations favourite animal bumming geriatric is a fucking liar. Veteran cameraman Doug Allan tells The Mail today ‘that the BBC fake wildlife shots all the time‘ and that he understood why ‘people felt deceived‘ when the BBC lied to them. The revelation seemed to be that certain parts of Attenborough’s nature shows are filmed in zoos or sets and then made to look as if they took place in the wild, all of the animals are actually chickens in suits and none of the ground is real. The animals are suspended on hooks and the floor surface is comped in later using special effects.
Colour. Me. Livid.
As Doug himself said: ‘You can’t make a film about mice just by going into a meadow and looking at mice‘, you have to take a bloody camera, otherwise it’s just looking, Doug. You also have to tell the audience at the start of the show that you’ve used a camera, otherwise you’re no better than Harold Shipman.
I don’t think any of this is a revelation to anyone that’s actually thought about the issue. It’s understandable to me that TV crews on a schedule and a budget will do whatever they can to get the shoots they need. No, the real story here is that the only thing that’s fake about David Attenborough shows is Attenborough himself. Dude’s been dead for years.
Bonus: What the hell is Open All Hours?
I’ve read three copies of the Daily Mail so far, and two of them have contained articles devoted to misery shaped TV show Open All Hours. A TV show that, even in the 70’s, was a relic of a bygone era. The Mail are very excited because apparently this ‘national treasure’ will be back on screens this Christmas in a special episode penned by the writer of Last of The Summer Wine, a TV show mainly about what geriatrics get up to in baths from what I’ve seen.
The Mail are also demanding that abaci replace Iphones and that the knitting needle once again should become the weapon of choice for abortions. I want to complain that this show is ‘irrelevant’ and ‘boring’ and doesn’t belong on TV but deep down I know this is a good thing, it’ll give old people something to die along to when they can’t afford the Christmas heating.
- Leader of the far right EDL quits to work for tolerance – On first glance this seems great, however ‘Tolerance’ are actually a hate group that will set fire to anyone who has any colour on their face whatsoever. Including people who are ‘just a little bit flushed’.
- IMF doubles UK growth forecast – This is the news that the UK has doubled in landmass since 2006. Planet analysts are concerned that Ol’ Blighty is about to swallow France.
- Maggie was far sexier than Bridget! – In the Mail’s ongoing quest to sexualize Maggie Thatch she is posthumously entered into a swimsuit competition with Rene Zellweger, the scientific curiosity responsible for playing Bridget Jones’ Dairy.