There’s a storm coming…
I should have seen it. The signs and portents were all there. I was greeted by a murdered fox on my way to work. I left my copy of The Daily Mail on a bus. There was no milk when I tried to make tea. Everything pointed towards mega disaster, but I didn’t head the warning. I just slouched towards oblivion like a weak jawed antelope…
Human rights came under fire today with the announcement that prisoners, pedophiles and terror men with hooks for hands have received massive payouts from the European Court of Human Rights. All from the pockets of the UK tax payer! Those dirty Europeans laugh as they dish out ludicrous sums to terrorphiles and punch happy walking placentas before chomping on onions/pizza/bratwurst (delete as appropriate foreigner).
£4,700 for being ‘denied the right to free expression’, £22,000 for ‘missing the series finale of Ground Force‘ and £18,000 for ‘not being allowed to father a child through artificial insemination’ are just some of the sums being thrown around and while I can absolutely get behind the first two, I can’t understand anyone wanting to be the only pregnant Nazi enforcer on B-wing. Different strokes I guess.
The ‘Euro Gravy Train‘ is running out of control and I for one am enraged, I want to stab something European and I’m not alone. MP Philip Davies was so incensed after hearing the report that he felt compelled to state: ‘The sooner we scrap the human rights act the better‘. Then, as if to prove his point he threw acid on a cat’s face. Someone in the crowd pointed out that the cat wasn’t human and thus didn’t have those kind of rights, but Philip just went apeshit and bit someone.
As The Daily Mail brought out example after example (Abu Hanza claimed £15,000 for not having enough salted butter) I found myself quietly nodding in sage agreement. Human rights are stupid, they lower house prices and let foreigners into the country, they steal our jobs and abuse british women on the streets! I’ve had enough. Screw you human rights.
Old bums need help!
People tell me that The Daily Mail hates everyone, but I can tell you about someone they don’t hate. The sodding elderly. So begins The Daily Mail’s Dignity For The Elderly Campaign. The full scope of the campaign is unparalleled, with the Mail bringing no less than nine different examples of old people dying in squalor for the pleasure of regional British councils, The Mail say they’ll continue to shove dying old people right into their reader’s grills until someone does something about the state of this rotten stinking accent infected country.
Stressed and under pressure carers (or bastard carers as they are commonly known) are infringing on old people’s rights because they simply can’t spend the appropriate amount of time with each individual patient. Wait, are old people’s rights different to human rights? I’m confused by this whole thing. It was easier back when there was just women’s rights, but now there’s all sorts of ‘rights’ (short/yappy/edible/people who are behind on TV shows) and on top of that we have the overarching meta ‘human rights’, it’s too bloody much! The Daily Mail just isn’t making it clear which ones are the ‘good rights‘ and which ones are the ‘bad rights‘. I’m all for helping the elderly, but if that means Abu Hanza gets £15 to spend on scratch cards I am definitely out.
In other news I have learned that there are some people in this world that are worse than pedophiles. Some people don’t just blow you up, they create 7/7’s of the mind. 9/11’s of the heart. One of those people is scumbag swoonmeister Nigel Harman, another one of those people is everyone involved in the production of Downton Abbey. Downton has angered The Daily Mail for the use of a rape story-line in its latest episode. Something that TV critic Christopher Stevens described as ‘violent and explicit’ and ‘shocking and tasteless’ he even went on to say that Downton is ‘the last show that should join the sickening trend for violence against women’ – personally I would have choosen anything on Ceebeebies or Newsnight (Christopher Stevens: With last night’s desperate rape of Makka Pakka, In the Night Garden has reached an all time low).
Mr Stevens was suitably outraged with the whole affair. So outraged in fact that he described the scene in intricate detail over the course of a whole page. Which was great for me because I must confess I missed it on TV.
If you, like me, missed this horrible ‘visceral’ rape, an act that The Daily Mail feels nobody should ever have to watch ever, then fear not. It’s all available, videos, pictures and everything, on the Mailonline.
Unusual photo choice no.1: Side boob syndrome
This lovely bikini photo accompanied an article in which the pictured women’s MP husband had just lost his job. Fiona Natasha Syms took to Twitter to express her fury, while, I assume, also demanding that she be pictured with a little bit of side boob in all reporting, just in case anyone took her seriously.
- WW2 anniversary is not an excuse for a knees up Paxman tells Cameron. – Cameron tells Paxman ‘You’re a dick. Why can’t you just be nice for once?’
- Flying fear boy jets home by hypnosis – The true story of Peter Happening, the first human boy to successfully fly without aid from Abu Dhabi to the UK, after being convinced he was an aeroplane in a family hypnosis show.
- Now euthanasia for a women who could not cope with being blind – I can’t help but think that if The Daily Mail eased up on the whole ‘we hate euthanasia’ thing, this would probably be a viable solution to the Dignity For The Elderly Campaign.