When you gaze into the abyss…
I bought my first ever copy of The Daily Mail today. I’m trying to find out exactly what it is. I’ve never read it before and it seems unbelievable to me that it could actually be as racist, misogynistic, homophobic and hate-centric a paper that it is purported to be. Each day I will read it to try and get a taste for its overall flavour and will report my findings back to you, dear reader.
Women wear less clothes!!
It was a big day for women in Mail land as today’s issue featured over 4 of them. Smash you glass ceiling! Tulisa was described as having an elegant side (whichever side is in a bikini), Middle-Ton shot the crap out of some birds, Diana was dragged screaming from her grave to be lorded over for a brief time and Maggie T made a special guest appearance as she ‘French hiped’ her way through Oxford. All in all, for a paper that seems to have built its reputation on hating them, I got the impression that The Daily Mail was more interested in looking at women from afar while paying one of the poor boys to whip the tip of his penis with a switch. They love women.
Things started to get uncomfortable on page 2 when a fairly standard ‘Fat golf bloke booted off Strictly’ type article was derailed by exclamations of ‘Countdown girl’s got a bum!’ and reporters who were shockingly surprised to learn that Sophie Ellis Bexter has legs. But things started to get really hot around page 29 when they wheeled out the serialisation of Jonathan Aitken’s revealing biography of Margaret Thatcher. Never in my life have I wanted to read about Margaret Thatcher. I know most people would say: “the only thing I want to read about Thatcher is her obituary”, but I don’t even wanna read that, obituaries are depressing. This, however, promises to be swish tits, it’s not about boring old politics, it’s about all of the good stuff; Like that time she showed a bit of leg to Putin in Checkers, or Boris Johnson calling her fit.
Here is a sneaky taste:
Lady Thatcherly’s Lover
Exerts from ‘The Real Maggie‘ by Jonathan Aitken
Margaret rose from her position on the bed softly, like a fully limbed leper, and in response to my inquiry about ‘going doggy’ she replied slowly “The lady’s not for turning”.
She continued to face me as she backed out the door.
I lifted the cutlery and moved to follow her but ‘Snobby Roberts’, as she was known back then, was gone. All that was left were her hairs on the pillow, I collected them up and fashioned them into a small dog. The hair dog spoke to me in the summers of ’87 and on cold nights it would whisper raspy miner based insults while the light dwindled around the fire. But one heavy August night, just after the Falklands,as quickly as it started, it stopped and spoke no more.
The Real Maggie is available from all good bookshops.
Bonus: David Cameramaroon’s Panasonic ‘Fuck The Poor’ bread maker
While the rest of the country leaks salty brine from their teets because David Cameramaroon has a bread maker, the Mail stands alone, today printing its top ten best makers. This celebration of our Fuhrer’s decision to not set foot in shitty old Waitrose was made even more special by the dragging out of everyone’s favourite stupid eyed wheelie bin disguised as a man: The Harry Biker!
Mr. The Biker did cast his eye yonder over all of the breadmakers in the land and did pass his tubby judgement unto each and every one of them. The Panasonic Poor Fucker, David’s Cameron’s yeast womb of choice, scored a perfect 10/10. This wonderful little ‘boys toy’ managed to beat the Lakeland plus (‘keep warm functions!’) and, controversially, the Clockworks Bread Maker (‘dismembered robots head’) and formed a coalition with The Harry Bikers heart simply because it ‘sprinkles nuts evenly‘ and ‘pisses on poor people’. He even went on to say: ‘My eldest son who’s about to leave home – has even asked for a bread maker as a moving in present’.
They also gave Harry Biker David Cameramaroon’s yeast infection to try out, this also scored a perfect 10/10 due to ‘weight loss induced by vomiting‘ with Harry even going so far as to say: ‘My eldest son who’s about to leave home – has even asked for a yeast infection as a moving in present’.
- One in four serious criminals are foreign! – isn’t it worse that three in every four aren’t?
- Pippa Middleton shoots birds! – But according to the Mail the real news is the £350 Dubarry wellies she did it in.
- Columnist Dominic Lawson accuses the BBC of drafting in left of centre audiences for political programmes! – ‘Why does no one clap when I suggest mass culls of benefits claimants?’